Alone, A New Realization

howhale

It came to me overnight when, as is often the case, I found myself awake way too early. Thanksgiving came and went with dinner at one of the daughters home with most all our family and my brother's family attending. I made it through but, as i suspected, the world fell apart afterwards. I felt lost among all my close family. I wandered room to room. I watched as they all were enjoying the day and was happy that they could do so. I do not want my life to contaminate theirs. They have too much yet to live for and to enjoy. In the days since Thursday, it has been silent with very, very little communication as they continue to enjoy the long weekend. It became clear to me then that something had changed. My dear wife's illness took us out of most events with family or others years ago and completely removed us in the last couple years. We would sit alone together on every holiday, birthday, etc. Most would call. No, I take that back, most would text some greeting and to confirm we were alright. Seldom would we see them until, maybe, a day or days later for a visit. Recently I noticed photos on family member Facebook pages of many of them at events together over the past couple years. Guess I had just not ever looked. I was too busy to do so. And then, during the night, it came to me. Because much time passed when my dear wife and I, as her primary caregiver, have been unable to participate in anything, family continued to live life as they should and as we would want. My family lost my dear wife and me years ago. Yes, we were alive but, as so many of you know, our life was totally consumed by this disease. Realizing that we had not been a part of so much, left our children and family to find their way to go on. I do not think it will be changed now. It is too well established and I, alone, cannot replace their mother and they do not know how to deal with me alone. It is not their fault. It was survival for them and I do not want my life to hamper theirs. It did make sense to me, in this realization, that my family lost both my dear wife and me years ago so they have been able to process some grief for a while now. I know they love me and they worry about me, but I do not want to impact their life in a negative way. If they have found a path forward, I want them to continue down that path. I, unfortunately, am still drowning in grief because I have just lost my dear wife. This horrible disease impacts the lives of so many but in different ways and at different times. Those of us caring for our loved one every minute of every day for years cannot afford to let grief overtake us while in the midst of our mission. It comes after like a tsunami. For those on the periphery they lost bits of us over time and with each bit they could grieve for that loss but try to move forward. They could not be totally consumed because they had family, children, lives to continue. I am not sure if anyone else sees their life unfolding in this way but I appreciate that I can share my feelings here. It helps. I do not know yet how I will go forward but however it proves to be, it cannot hurt my family any more, I will not allow it, .

SDianeL

I understand. I don’t want to burden my family by talking about my sadness and grief. Even around family I feel alone. I’m going to see my sister who has dementia on Wednesday. She is now with hospice. She was diagnosed 14 years ago. 😢💜

alessandro64

Beautiful thoughts.