How to answer if your DH says he is dying.

Palmetto Peg

My DH is in the late stages of dementia. He has difficulty swallowing, and has lost nearly 40 lbs. He is wheelchair bound, sleeping a lot, and is double incontinent. During this Christmas season, the MC facility where is lives is having a lot of entertainment come in. Their performances are mostly Christmas music. He starts crying every time, and I usually remove him to a quiet place and calm him down. Yesterday, it happened again. I took him out, and I asked him why he was crying. He said it was his last Christmas and he was sad! It was all I could do not to cry, and I didn't know what to tell him. I finally said that no matter what happens, I would be with him. What should I say? He has said several times that he is dying, and I usually just say "not today". I feel like he may need the acknowledgement that he is, in fact, dying, but I am afraid to say it that bluntly. What would you do? This is so hard!

harshedbuzz

When dad initially did this, I did the same as you saying "not today" or "not on my watch; mom'll kill me if I let that happen".

In retrospect, things improved when his doctor talked about it being a nature part of life and that he'd have support if needed when the time came. A friend called on the chaplain from the hospice to talk with her mom which helped in the moment.

HB

Palmetto Peg

Thank you, HB! I like the idea of asking the Chaplain to talk to him. My DH is very close to our Chaplain, and I think that might be who could help DH be more settled. I'm going to talk to Chaplain tomorrow!

ARIL

Oh, I am sorry. This is very hard to hear, I know.

My father increasingly asks me whether he is dying. It is somehow easier as a question than a statement, but I have said different things. For example,

“Well, you are human, so it is true that you will eventually die. But there is no reason to think that your death is imminent.”

“Your doctor has not told me anything that would suggest we should expect your death soon.”

“For a person who is 92, you are doing pretty well. But of course death comes to us all in time. Is there something that concerns you?”

“From my perspective you seem to be OK. But you know how you feel better than I do. How are you feeling today?” If the answer is “not too well,” I go through a list: Is your head hurting? Do you feel sick at your stomach? Etc.

If he told me he knew this would be his last Christmas, I might decide where I needed the conversation to go. I might say, “We have had a lot of good Christmases, haven’t we?” and then reminisce about times when I was a child or when other people he loves were present (e.g., “Your mom and dad used to buy you an orange for Christmas when you were a little boy, didn’t they?”). I might say that I hope it isn’t his last one, but whether or not it is, we will do our best to enjoy being together.

So hard to hear. And maybe the goal is to simultaneously provide comfort that you are there with him and also to acknowledge his feelings and the reality of life’s trajectory. That’s tough, especially when these conversations are so heartbreaking for us.

midge333

@Palmetto Peg : He is slowly dying. I think it is wrong to tell someone they are not dying when they, in fact, are dying. I think your approach of telling him that you will be with him no matter what happens is the right approach.

Palmetto Peg

Thank you all for your responses. It is such a hard conversation. I am going to talk to the Chaplain, and ask him to talk to my DH. After that, I will keep reassuring him that I will be with him no matter what. It is so hard to see him just wasting away, and when he cries my heart breaks. You all know what I mean! Hugs, and many, many thank you's for the support here.

Jgirl57

(((Hugs))) (((Hugs))) (((Hugs)))

trottingalong

Big hugs

SDianeL

so sad. Is he under hospice care? If not maybe get them involved. They usually know how to answer these questions. I think your answer was correct. Hugs. 💜

Palmetto Peg

He is under hospice care. I plan to talk to the nurse when she comes on Wednesday. Thank you!