Mother wanting to leave AL - arranging movers

kzwilliams

I just moved my mom into AL the day before Thanksgiving - not even two weeks ago. That day she said she’d “sleep on the couch” (I haven’t sold her condo yet). I said she was moving that day, and she had to stay there. She’s been in the decision-making process of where to go. I tried to pick the best possible place, and this was the only one that she would entertain moving to.
I visited a few days later and she followed my car out to the parking lot, and demanded to get in so she could go back to her condo. I didn’t let her get in. The staff escorted her back inside. She even called the moving company the following week to move her stuff back into her condo! Thankfully, the moving company called the assisted living place and they caught it. After that, my brother and I devised a lie that the condo was sold, and she couldn’t
go back. Now, she’s saying that she “wants to find a small apartment”. I asked why she doesn’t want to live there, and she says that everybody has gray hair and has a walker. I told her if she didn’t dye her hair, she would have gray hair too! She’s on the young end of things, 76. She has many friends older than her, who have these things, and for whatever reason, this is a sticking point. It’s humorous until it isn’t.
She still has access to her finances. I have DPOA.
I know memory care isn’t too far off.
What should I say? What should I do?
The AL place has been very helpful, but I just don’t know what to do.

Quilting brings calm

This is common behavior for people at her stage. Especially if they don’t believe they have issues. Try as much as possible to restrict her access to the phone and her money. Make sure the AL continues to head off people showing up to move her.

It takes 3-6 months for people to get adjusted to living in a facility. People here suggest that continued fiblets such as selling her condo, doctor has to give the ok for you to move, etc to help minimize the ‘I want to leave’ discussions.

pamu

My mom was in AL for only 18 days before she eloped and was hospitalized. She wanted to move there initially (it was a perfect fit) and soon after her delusions ramped up and she talked about wanting to leave. After the elopement the staff at the AL said she would need to be stabilized before returning. They were not a locked down facility and did not have the staff to monitor her full time (understandably so). From the hospital she was admitted to MC (lock down) and it has been a difficult 3 months. She begs to leave every day and in the beginning would try to escape. Luckily the staff at her MC is very supportive and communicate regularly. We feel it's the right place for her, but it's still difficult. I have DPOA and it was activated when mom was hospitalized so we were able to make the decision on her behalf. If you're not already, make sure you are an authorized representative with her physicians so you can receive and share information. Keep coming to this forum, there is so much information and support.

H1235

Welcome. In my opinion she should not have access to her finances! She is vulnerable to scams. What if she finds an apartment and gives them a deposit. She may decide to call a car dealership and buy a new car and have it delivered. The next moving company she calls may may just arrive and start loading things up. You can’t count on a business to act ethically. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. For my mom this was the biggest problem. She won’t use her cane and thinks she would be perfectly fine to live in her own home. I constantly worried she would try to leave Al. I recently moved her to a nursing home. She is bitter and angry at all I (dementia) has taken away. Medication has helped. Your mom is probably never going to understand her need to be in Al. That lack of understanding and acceptance may cause safety issues if she decides to leave Al on her own. Given she still has access to her finances this is more easily done. She could call a taxi/Uber and end up who knows where. Taking over her finances against her wishes is tough but necessary. My mom will still occasionally ask/demand bank statements. I avoid the topic or just tell her I forgot to bring them. (Al wiped her out financially and she would be devastated to see her very meager account) I would avoid having any kind of direct discussion where you try to reason with her. You will often read on this site that you should never try to reason with a person with dementia. The reasoning will turn to an argument and you will always loose an arguments with a person with dementia. She does not have the ability to understand reason. My suggestion would be to do things without telling her. If you haven’t already have the mailing address for everything changed to your address. If she questions why she isn’t getting bank statements tell her you will look into it. While she is out of the room get her debit and credit cards. I know it seems wrong, but she will never agree to give them to you and she will get upset and stressed out over the whole thing. She will probably also get angry with you and you don’t need that. With any luck she doesn’t even miss them. I hope you can find a solution. This is a great site to share ideas, vent and just for reassurance that you are not alone.

JulietteBee

That is horrible! This disease is horrible! I am so sorry you have had to go through that.

Incidentally, my mom also took issue with all the "old people with walkers." My mom is an octogenarian herself, but I guess seeing the multitude of walkers and scooters made her feel they were all much older than her, as she walks unassisted.

As my mom's loss of executive function became apparent in 2023, my role as her DPOA was activated. She now has zero access to her accounts. She was double & triple paying bills, and being generous with gifting away her nest egg.

Playing on her fear of scammers, I managed to convince her to let me keep her debit card at my house. Her checkbook was already in my possession. I did leave her with her credit card.

While it is ill-advised, I set the acct to notify me of any and all purchases made. She lives in an IL facility and enjoys going on the facility's bus when the group goes shopping.

As your mom's DPOA, you need to change all her banking passwords and set up 2-step verification on all of them. Set up her patient portals and change passwords if she already had them. Also, put Life 360 on her phone so you can track her if she ever tries "running away from home."

She will get mad at you for taking away her independence. She will eventually get over it. You need to remind yourself that you are only repaying the favor from those years when she kept you safe during your childhood.

taylor14

I'm going through the same thing with my 58 year old mom right now. We just got her moved in on Thursday. She's making a lot of the same comments about how old everyone is, they won't talk to her, etc. She's just super mad. It's so hard.