Taking a Patient out of Memory Care for Christmas?

mwk

This is my first question to the group - my mother has pretty severe Alzheimer's and is in a lovely memory care facility which she believes is temporary while we are putting an addition on our house for her. I live close by the memory care facility and some times take her our for a meal, for church, even over night for Thanksgiving. She always hates to go back to memory care. I was planning to take her out of memory care for Christmas eve and Christmas, but a support counselor encouraged me to think about not taking her out and letting her maintain her routine in the facility and just visiting her there. That it actually might be doing her harm by taking her out and putting her back in. Does anyone have advice? Should I only be visiting her at her facility? Thank you!

jgreen

Hi @mwk

Welcome. So sorry you have to be here; glad you found this wonderful group.

My advice is to stop and ask yourself if you are doing this for her, or because of the fond memories YOU have from past Christmases and holidays? If your mother’s disease has progressed to a later stage, as you say, then the holiday may no longer have any meaning for her. I am sorry to put it so bluntly, but it is best that you try to see things from her perspective now as it is very different from your reality. It might be best for you to visit her at her facility and bring her a nice Christmas gift or food that she can eat. That way you can visit with her and enjoy that special time, and then spend the remainder of the holiday with your other family and friends.

There are great resources out there to help you learn about this terrible disease - the book The 36-Hour Day (8th edition.) and YouTube videos by the Dementia Careblazers, Tam Cummings (Wellmed Charitable Foundation) and Teepa Snow. Plus returning to this site to see what other caregivers have to offer from their own experiences.

Take care of yourself. Come back and let us know how you are doing. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

mwk

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260517#Comment_260517

Thank you!!

Quilting brings calm

Ask if the MC is putting on a family dinner, party, or having musical entertainment. Attend that with your mom and jet that be one your new tradition. Then visit her or Christmas Eve or the evening of Christmas Day.

I think we feel the loss of the traditions much more than they do. In addition, they get stressed by any change in routine, too much noise, too many people, etc.

SiberianIris

My mother has been in MC for 4 months. She is in early stage 6 with Alz. The "story" we told her when she moved was that she was going for rehab and physical therapy (she loves PT). She was unhappy at first, but because she is very social and extroverted, has come to enjoy the activities and extra attention. She loves the staff, and they love her. She's even made friends with some of the other residents.

Still, when my brother or I visit, she asks when she can go home. We tell her "when the doctor says it's ok" and then redirect her with something that interests her, like family photos. For every visit, I bring my "bag of tricks" that includes family photos, magazines, her favorite treats, etc. to redirect her when needed. Her short term memory is so short, it works. Lately though, her asking to go home has changed to "Can you take me to see my house?". For that, I keep it light and say "Yes, but we'll have to do it another time, because I have a doctor's appointment, it's raining, etc."

We have not taken her out of MC for several reasons. Number 1 is we fear having trouble getting her back in. Secondly, she is nearly 97 years old, still walking but quite frail, and sometimes incontinent. She is a fall risk, and we, her children, are elders ourselves.

We recently attended the memory care Christmas program. It was beautifully done, and we all had a wonderful time. We stayed after it was over and had dinner in the MC with Mom. It was the first visit she never mentioned anything about going home.(!)

Last Christmas, when she was in early stage 5, we had a small family gathering at home with children, grand children, and great grandchildren - about 20 people. Mom enjoyed it, but couldn't follow the multiple conversations. Afterwards she kept asking me "who were all those other people - why were they there?" She thought her great grandchildren were her grandchildren. She couldn't place her actual grandchildren and their spouses who are now in their 30s-40s.

Now she seems to do better with short visits with just 1-3 people at a time, so for the actual holidays we'll rotate the visits and visitors over several days.

SDianeL

Welcome. I would trust the recommendation of the support counselor of the facility. Celebrate with her at the facility in a small group. Taking her out may cause her anxiety due to a routine change, and taking her back does cause anxiety. I know this is a difficult decision. Do what’s best for Mom.