Wanting to go home...

SDianeL

I saw this on a Facebook post by Creative Carer. Great tips on what to say or do when our loved one says they want to "go home"…

The desire to “go home” is heartbreakingly common in the later stages of dementia. During the last few years of my mum’s life, she often spoke about her parents and longed to be back with them.There are many reasons why someone with dementia might ask for their mum or dad. Disorientation—whether to time, place, or even people—plays a huge part, and when memory loss is added into the mix, confusion and worry can easily take hold.In the beginning, I found this really difficult. I would try to explain the reality to her, gently pointing out that she was in her eighties and her parents couldn’t still be alive. But it didn’t take long to realise that logic only upset her (and me) more.As dementia progresses, the brain tends to hold on to earlier memories and let go of the newer ones. Mum’s mind lived in the years when her parents were still at the centre of her world. The kindest thing I could do was to meet her in that place. Whenever she grew anxious about “going home,” I’d chat with her about her mum and dad—reassuring her that they’d be back in Bedale soon. We spent so many lovely moments planning what we might cook for them or imagining where we could all go for a drive.I filled her room with photos of her parents—on the wall, on the window ledge by her chair—and made little reassurance cards with their pictures. At that stage, her mum and dad became part of daily life for James and I as well.When she asked where they were, I stopped trying to provide the “right” answer. Instead, I’d pause and say something like, “Hmm… I’m not sure today.” Most of the time she would then come up with her own explanation—often imagining they were off visiting Aunty Bella in Scotland. After that, I could use her answer the next time she asked, and she would nod and say, “Oh yes, that’s right.”One of the things that helped her most—especially at Christmas —was giving her cards “from” her family: her parents and her six siblings who had already passed away. Those cards brought her far more joy and comfort than any gift ever could. She read them again and again, tucked them into her handbag, and they kept her content for hours. I reused the same cards every year, and she loved them every time.

tonyac2

Very interesting about the Christmas cards. My DH daily and frequently asks about his deceased mom, dad and siblings. I’m wondering if it would be safe to try the card idea with him. Thanks for posting this.

jgreen

Thank you, SDianeL,

I am flagging this so I can refer back when I need the reminder.

God bless you for sticking with us!

jen ht

Thank you @SDianeL 💜

LearningCurve

Thank you Diane!!

Goodlife2025

Yes thank you Diane I will keep this card idea in mind. My DW became an orphan at age 8 and I have wondered how I might handle it if she starts wanting to go 'home'.