Anger

Sykes Houston

My DW was recently diagnosed with ES. She suddenly turned angry at me as if I was to blame. She is violent in her behavior with horrible language, extremely scary facial expressions, and on a couple occasions physically striking me. Should this type of behavior be expected or is it evidence of another behavioral issue? At first I tried to reason with her and calm her down, but to no avail. I am really having trouble dealing with this and generally the only thing I can think of to do is to walk away. I'm a newbie and have no idea what is normal.

LearningCurve

My heart goes out to you. Keep coming back. There is a wealth of knowledge here and very caring folks who know whereof you speak.

trottingalong

This can be very normal. I would speak to her doctor about medications that would help calm her behavioral issues.

Jim9191

Noticing the same type of behaviors with my DW. She was diagnosed with AD July 2024. This behavior usually occurs late in the day and can last until bedtime. I believe in my case it relates to anxiety from a diagnosis she is having a very difficult time accepting.

jgreen

.Welcome @Sykes Houston

So sorry you have to be here, but you are among friends. Come here often for support and advice.

First tips for you are to research this awful disease as much as you can. There are many good and reputable resources for you, including this platform through the Alzheimer’s Association. Other sources are Tam Cummings (Wellmed Charitable Foundation), Teepa Snow, and Natalie Edmonds (Dementia Careblazers). The book “The 36-Hour Day” (8th ed) is also a very good resource.

I am going to leave you an assessment tool from Tam Cumming’s website. Here you can find out what stage of the disease your DW is in and get a better handle on some of the behaviors she is exhibiting.

Dementia Behavioral Assessment.pdf

One mantra I’ve learned from this group is ‘you cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken’. You need to try to understand what their reality is and respond in ways to help them feel safe and supported. Also look into getting some meds that will help with her aggressive behaviors.

I know others will come after me with other useful advice for you. One step at a time, Sykes. This is a marathon! Sending you hugs!

H1235

No one likes the idea of putting our loved ones on drugs, but this must be miserable for her as well as you. I would talk to her doctor about medication to help her feel more comfortable. It can take a bit to figure out the right medication and the right dose. These medications are usually started at a low dose and increased slowly to find the right fit. Don’t give up if you don’t see quick results. I also agree that you should never try to reason with her. You might even go so far as to sympathize with her or apologize (even though you did nothing wrong and there is no logic behind her anger). This change in approach may help some, but medication is probably going to be best. Unfortunately the person that does all the work to care for them and protect them is the one that gets all the anger directed their way. I think my mom sees me as the one who has taken all her freedoms away vs the dementia. I hope you can find a solution.

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260694#Comment_260694

Certainly personality change is part of ALZ and can occur in ES. My own DH had subtle personality changes, thankfully not violent, but enough so that our adult children noted them.

blacksparky

My DW doesn’t strike at me but she does get very agitated and tells me to leave and then tries to leave the house too. The doctors have prescribed Zoloft, then Serequol and now Prozac. None of them have helped a whole lot. I have just recently been giving her CBD gummies with THC. Early results have proven beneficial in helping her agitation and anxiety. I’ve purchased the gummies from a company called Healer Brands. As you are just starting out, I suggest that you try everything you can to help your LO. More importantly get your power of attorney, both financial and medical done soon while you LO can still sign and understand. We’re here for you as you go through this horrible journey that none of us asked for.

zabet

My mom can be very rude and nasty to me and I try not to take it personally, but its hard not to! ANy advice on how to handle these situations for the best outcome? I usually walk away and just try to ignore it, but if it lasts all day, I have a hard time not reacting. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you

harshedbuzz

@Sykes Houston

Hi and welcome. I an sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place,

If the behavior change was very rapid onset, it might be prudent to have her tested for a silent UTI. UTIs can bring a dramatic change in behavior.

Pay attention to any potential triggers for the sudden switch. Often, well-meaning partners want to talk about planning for a different future, end-of-life wishes or find themselves having to restrict IADLs (driving, managing money, etc) for safety reasons. If you are triggering her, you may need to stop bringing these topics up and find work-arounds and fiblets that don't feel like judgment to her. For instance, if she always paid the bills, you could tell her that they're on automatic payment now.

If onset has been more subtle, the behavior changes are likely due to the parts of her brain that's been damaged by the disease. Medication can help with this. Behavior is communication— whatever she's feeling is as awful for her as it is for you to witness. Sometimes the best way to address this is via transport to the ER with a transfer to a geri-psych unit for medication management.

HB

jgreen

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260738#Comment_260738

Hi, @zabet

Welcome! Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.

You wrote your first message in a reply to Sykes. You will find you get better responses and advice if you start a new discussion post. I recommend you ‘copy and paste’ your comments and start a new thread.

How you react to your Mom will make quite a bit of difference. Try acknowledging her feelings, like saying you are sorry (even if you did nothing wrong) or paraphrasing what she said such as ‘You do not like my pot roast’. This lets her know you are paying attention and listening to her. Then you might ask for her help or redirect her - “should I add more salt next time?” Or “how about we do dessert first and then see if we have room for supper?” Get her on another topic - they often forget why they were rude to you. Sometimes I have to walk away from my DH to take some deep breaths and calm down - so you are not alone.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260738#Comment_260738

welcome. Rule number one: never argue with someone with dementia. Get in their world. Rule number two: you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Redirect or distract. Ice cream worked for my husband. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Learn all you can about the disease so you can help her. Don’t hesitate to contact her doctor about medications to calm her. Her agitation is caused by anxiety caused by dementia.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74825/anger

My DH is often angry. He is also abusive. It isn't his fault it is the disease. I work hard to never engage him in anyway and yes if you can walk away that is good too. It isn't your wife it is the disease.