Trying to adjust

Winkle

Wife 78 years old has dementia first noticed problems 4 years ago last year she was afraid to be alone and I quit job to care for her. Now she is at the stage where she can’t speak coherently and gets upset when I can’t understand what she is saying, Entered a memory care facility 2weeks ago after making sure for years that she never wanted to leave home. Been visiting each day for 7 to 9. hours each day. I have second guessed myself about every decision I’ve made for her over the past couple years. I know she is much better off with professionals looking after her than she was with just me but I still question the decision. She has wanted to leave everyday and sees no reason she can’t go home with me when I leave. I’m thinking of making visits shorter and not every day, Need some advice on if that would help,and how do I make that happen without making things worse

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74895/trying-to-adjust

welcome. Sorry for the reason you are here. People with dementia say they want to go home. To them it’s a feeling, not a place. Even dementia patients who still live in the house they have lived in for decades say they want to go home. I would visit at lunch time so she’s distracted. When you leave, don’t say goodbye, just quietly slip out and tell the nurse you’re leaving. My DH’s nurse would then distract him with ice cream. Caregiver tips say to ask them about home. Perhaps they are asking about their childhood home. If so, ask her about her Mom’s cooking or something like that. If she asks about her parents, fib to her. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was helpful to me. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Teepa Snow or Tam Cummings. They give tips on what to say to avoid her becoming anxious. Search online for the 7 Stages of Dementia Chart with behaviors. It will give you an idea of what stage she’s in. Come here often for info and support.

Winkle

Thank you for your response. According to the chart she is stage 7, hasn’t been able to speak coherently for quite awhile and has lots of trouble with even simple tasks. I will definitely read the 36 hour day.

harshedbuzz

@Winkle

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found us.

One nice thing about having a team provide her hands-on care is that it can allow you to step back into the role of spouse and just love on her.

That said, spending the kind of time you are may actually interfere with her adjusting to the MCF and bonding with caregivers. To that end, some MCF ask family to avoid visiting for 2-4 weeks. Most PWD take a month or two to settle into their new home, so her wanting to go home with you isn't uncommon. Spending all day with her may be preventing her from connecting with others and participating in activities.

It took dad about a month to settle down. It was useful to bring him some sort of treat when I visited— a fast-food lunch, some hot coffee and a baked good of some kind, etc. I found my visits fatigued him, so I only stayed an hour 3 times a week.

HB