“Fiblets”

JC5

I am having a very difficult time lying to my husband who has dementia! I have always been that person who people could trust and know I would be honest! But now I find I am being dishonest and lying to my husband. I just want to tell him he is not allowed to drive anymore and it’s not safe and that his beloved truck is in good hands with our son. But for months now all I say is that his truck is being serviced or I’m not sure or whatever pops into my head! I feel so bad, so dishonest, so not me! Do I just tell him where his truck is or would it make it worse?

Goodlife2025

I know this is difficult and most of us can relate in a heartfelt way …. You might ask yourself if you have shared any other unpleasant truths and what his reaction was. Then I would multiple that reaction ten fold regarding driving and the independence it represents. He is not going to just say oh good glad to know my truck is at my son's house. You would need to be prepared for the fall out and the new never ending questions. Are you ready for the truth as your DH will understand it?

SDianeL

it would make it worse. It would increase his anxiety and agitation. You are doing it for him. To keep him calm. Don’t feel guilty. We learn to fib and blame the doctors, the objects, etc. If he has delusions or hallucinations you will need to do more fibbing to get in his reality. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. it’s OK. Hugs. 💜

Biggles

It’s such a sad, difficult and uncomfortable position to be in, especially when we have always prided ourselves on being truthful with each other, now you are dealing with somebody whose brain is no longer working as efficiently as it should. Personally I think you have to do what is in your heart, tell him the roads and cars are difficult and it is no longer safe for him to drive, tell him your son is looking after the car for him, try different ways of expressing yourself. Be prepared if one way doesn’t work to change tactics. Many on this site have found that bending the truth or fabricating a different scenario stops a lot of frustration and anger. I don’t tell my DH about appointments or what we are going to be doing until maybe an hour before we have to be ready. I think I would fabricate a kindness thought if I had to remove a car or boat or whatever. It is also a normal occurrence to have to repeat over and over again about something that has had to change. Please don’t be sad about any decision you make just keep trying until you find a way that suits your situation. With all the kindness available I wish you good luck.

SiberianIris

Rachel Wonderlin, one of the best dementia care experts I've seen, trademarked the term "Embracing Their Reality". I find this technique much more successful with my mom than fiblets, distracting, or worst of all, reorienting. What it means is that you go into their world and interact with them there instead of fruitlessly trying to bring them back into your world.

When they ask you a question, it's about providing an answer that provides the most comfort (or least pain) to them that would make the most sense to them. If you tell them the honest truth, and it upsets them, they are still going to forget whatever you told them, but they will remember the upsetting emotion it caused. This always leads to even more anxiety and repeated questions.

If you "embrace their reality" and provide an answer that provides comfort to them and makes sense in their reality, they're still going to forget whatever you told them, but they're not going to keep experiencing the painful emotion that "the truth" caused them. It won't stop the repeated questions, but it will reduce their anxiety and lessen their emotional pain.

Here is a short 5 minute movie on the subject. She also has a wonderful podcast series "Dementia By Day" - all episodes are very short and to the point.

https://dementiabyday.com/the-movie/

H1235

Here is my take on fibs/lies. We can tell the truth to do the right thing and have a clear conscience. We will no longer feel bad that we have been dishonest. We would be telling the truth to make yourself feel better. In doing so our loved one will feel worse. They will probably become angry and agitated because we are telling them something their brain can’t comprehend, that they don’t have the ability to do something ( drive a car). For me it actually seems selfish to tell the truth. I would rather suffer for doing something that feels morally wrong than to have my loved one suffer in an effort to clear my conscience. If we are talking about doing the morally right thing, wouldn’t that be to ease our loved ones suffering, even if it means telling a lie? I have found it a bit easier to respond in ways that are vague or not entirely a lie. “ I don’t really know where your truck is right now “ (you probably don’t know exactly where your son is with the car, so it’s not exactly a lie). Another idea might be to tell him your son borrowed it (not exactly honest, but not entirely untrue). These might ease your conscience without upsetting your husband.

jgreen

Hi @JC5

Dr. Natalie Edmonds (Dementia Careblazers ) puts it this way - Do you want your loved one safe or happy? If you want them safe, you will do what you need to keep them safe. I think it was Tam Cummings who called the fiblets ‘therapeutic stories’. I like that definition as I don’t feel so guilty when I say to my DH - I am happy to drive you where you want to go. You enjoy the ride.

Do not feel bad or dishonest if you do what is in the best interest of your loved one. And as others before me have said - if one way doesn’t work, try something else. We are all doing the very best we can under extraordinary circumstances.

Prayers and hugs 💝

Call me Gram

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/261509#Comment_261509

Wow, thank you for this!! The video brought me to tears. It's one thing to be told to "embrace their reality," but it's another thing to "see it in action." Excellent resource!