How to handle being accused of not sharing information

shiawase12

Hi Everyone,

What a start to the new year. I'm seeing signs of progression in my DH, diagnosed over a year ago with Alz. I saw signs about 3 years prior to that. I believe he's at the early stage 5.

He used to accuse me of not sharing information with him, but it wasn't very often and I would just apologize and say I must have thought I did, or forgot or something just to keep it calm. Of course as you know, I had indeed told him, sometimes numerous times, but he had forgotten.

Now it's happening more often and it's exhausting me mentally. I find myself getting angry and wanting to tell him that I have, but you forgot! Of course we all know that wouldn't help anything.

Usually it's about events on the calendar. I changed my approach some time ago, I tell him about it when I find out, I usually mention it again whenever it fits into the conversation naturally.

I also got a week at a time calendar that is on the counter that I write everything into. I do see that he looks at it several times a day.

This morning he noticed a lunch date with the kids written in there. I had mentioned it to him a few days back, but of course he had forgotten. It wouldn't be so bad if he just said "oh we have lunch with the kids coming up" or something, but no, I always get the lecture. The "I wish you would tell me these things." "I just want you to talk to me and share these things." "Do you know how it makes me feel?" Etc.

Do you have similar conversations? How do you handle them?

Just so tired.

Dio

It's hard but best to let it go in one ear and out the other, as if he had said you are "green" color. Reasoning doesn't work here and won't make you feel better either. Alternatively, you can just agree with him like "ok, I'll do better next time" then redirect the conversation to the positives of the event on the calendar.

Call me Gram

I am so sorry for you that this is happening.

My personal counselor suggested I ask my DH's neurologist to refer us to a therapist who is experienced at working with PWD. She said we could meet as a couple with that person and they should be able help us navigate issues like you are talking about. We asked for a referral and plan to make an appointment soon.

jgreen

hi @shiawase12

I’m in the opposite situation - I don’t tell my DH about upcoming appointments or events until we are getting ready to head out the door! Otherwise he will be up at 4 am trying to put clothes on over his pajamas to ge ready to leave at 10! The anxiety really gets to me and I have to pause and take a breath before I can ‘sweetly’ tell him all is okay and I will make sure he gets there on time ☺️

It sounds like you are doing what’s best by saying you are sorry and that you will do better the next time; plus keep your calendar updated.

Take care

Quilting brings calm

All you can do accept blame- even though you are blameless. And then immediately change the subject to something that’s going to grab his attention.
‘oh I must have forgot - I am going to get me some ice cream, do you want some. Do you want me to get an episode of Law and Order on TV?

cavenson

It sounds like you're handling those frustrating conversations pretty well. Since you said DH often looks at the week-at-a-time calendar, it might be helpful to get a large monthly calendar. I have a 24" x 34" dry erase magnetic monthly calendar that is on the wall right next to where DH sits at the breakfast table. I color code all appointments & events (blue for him, pink for me, black for both of us) and move a round magnet each morning to the current day. For now, it seems to help.

Goodlife2025

While my DW was in the earlier stages I kept a weekly calendar of things she would be doing that week posted on our front door. It was just for those things she would be involved with like lunch with a friend and when she would think I was keeping things from her I could easily point to the posted weekly schedule and confirm I had informed her. It seemed to help her anxiety at the time and worked until she could no longer track or make sense of most written things.

Goodlife2025

jgreen I'm in the same situation as you. I don't dare mention we might have an errand or somewhere to be unless I am ready to leave within 15 minutes. Almost nothing causes more anxiety in our day than my spouse with her coat, hat, and boots on pacing to leave before I am anywhere ready. It has been one of the hardest things for me to learn; I CAN NOT mention in passing things like we might go to the store today or take a drive to visit so or so.

SDianeL

I would hide the calendar because it’s causing him anxiety. I would tell him right before you leave in time to get ready. Fib and say it just came up. Same with doctor appointments.

SDianeL

PS: you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken.

annie51

I, too, got to the point of only telling him within a few minutes of the expected time. Another technique I learned was to use the phrase “did I remember to tell you…?”. This came from a book by the same name, which I recommend (hope this link works)

https://a.co/d/cTWI8LI

wose

Thank you for bringing this up. I keep forgetting about not telling DH. It is so true. If he knows we have plans ahead of time he goes into a tail spin. You would think I would get it by know. Maybe a tattoo on my arm. I feel so bad tho cause every night he says “ Anything to do tomorrow “ But, @shiawase12 .. the same thing happens to me. I get a long angry lecture on how I don’t remember. I usually leave the room to pee.💜

Lgb35

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262755#Comment_262755

have you talked to the doctor about his anxiety? Ours put DH in Zoloft some time ago

jgreen

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262793#Comment_262793

So with you, @Goodlife2025! Don’t know where you live, but we are in north Florida. While days have been cool (60’s) DH is dressed like your dear spouse - two layers of thermal underwear, two more long-sleeved shirts, a jacket, and hat with fleece ear muffs! I ask if he’s expecting to go out in a blizzard! 😱

Call me Gram

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262802#Comment_262802

Thank you for recommending this book. It looks helpful!

CindyBum

I took SDaniel's excellent advice and stopped telling my DW about any upcoming events until just before they are happening. Works like a charm.

Momx3

I am where you are right now with my DH. He is beginning stage 5 I think and his short term memory is completely gone. I like a lot of others that have posted wait until just before to tell him anything. We had doctor appointment this morning. I told him about it last night before bed and when he got up this morning he had no idea about the appointment. Luckily he doesn't seem to care that I "didn't" tell him. This is a horrible disease and I am so sad for all of us that are walking this path with our dear loved ones.

terei

I found that a calendar didn’t really help my mother. She would look at it, could read it, even out loud, but did not comprehend what she was seeing at all. . I would disappear the calendar for awhile(keep a private one) and see if it helps to tell him plans just prior to carrying them out. If he asks about it, I would say you are getting a new one…delay delay.

jgreen

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262810#Comment_262810

Thank you, @Lgb35

I will speak with primary next appt. I appreciate the suggestion 🙏

Goodlife2025

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/262819#Comment_262819

jgreen we live in western Colorado; it is considered high mountain desert here. We are in a drought only 5.39" inches of rain for all of 2025 and currently we are experiencing the month of May for the last few months. 40-50 degrees most days. I get the dressing for "not our weather". Most days my DW would be in sleeping shorts, a Tshirt and her beloved cowboy boots if I let her, regardless of the temp.

trottingalong

I got rid of the calendar, it just stressed my husband out and caused multiple questions on the same thing. Example. This morning I told him we had a 10:00 haircut appt. He is the one who wanted it, but doesn’t remember. It wasn’t on any calendar and I never mentioned it until 1 hour before we left so I could get him dressed. It sure saves me a lot of unneeded stress. Toss the calendar.

Timmyd

I went through a similar phase earlier in DW ALZ progression. I eventually decided that I would not plan things with DW, I would just do things with DW. I found that the planning only made the doing harder. It was going to be hard to do things with DW regardless, but by removing the planning it reduced the period of the difficulty by a lot. Of course I had to tell all sorts of fiblets as to why this event occurred so suddenly, but we both grew used to that over time.