Fixation with Driving

cavenson

Those who post on this site provide a welcome wealth of wisdom. A frequent topic is giving up driving. To say this has been hard for my DH is an understatement. He was first officially diagnosed with MCI 8 years ago, and this was changed to AD 5 years ago. It was definitely time to give up driving when his geriatric psychiatrist submitted the form to DMV. DH is 86 with mobility issues along with impaired judgement. DH’s license was suspended 7 months ago. We sold his SUV; but he still has a classic car (not parked at our home), and I’ve arranged for friends and family to take him for rides in it—but this doesn’t satisfy him.

Here's the problem, and I’m looking for advice. DH does not accept that he can no longer drive—insists he’s still an excellent driver (has excuses for all the camera tickets and unsafe driving I saw). He has an obsession with buying another car—he wants a used Mercedes and spends hours on-line looking for one. He has made numerous inquiries to car dealers; so he gets phone calls from salesmen. He gets very angry when I, family, or friends won’t take him to a dealership to test drive local cars or to the bank to send money to buy an out-of-state car. I get the brunt of his anger—mostly ugly words or throwing things like sofa cushions. I try to stay calm, tell him that I wish things were different, and remind him that without a license he can’t register a car or get insurance. And I repeat the fact that his doctors submitted information to DMV for his safety. Today, he’s angry that I won’t take him to DMV so he can tell them what a good driver he is and they’ll give him a new license.

Is there anything I can say or do to make life with DH easier?

JC5

I just signed onto this site to discuss driving and yours is the first post I see! I share your frustration and wish I had a magic answer. My husband hasn’t driven in a year, gave my son his car with the excuse it needed service. He went from total anger, banging his cane yelling and cursing - doctor prescribed an anti psychotic med which I didn’t give him. After a few weeks he calmed down to where he didn’t ask for his car, the past week he asks, demands for it daily! Usually late afternoon. Distraction has helped a bit but I don’t understand why the renewed interest 🤷🏻‍♀️ I know someone here will give us good advice! Good luck be strong .

David1941

Living in a senior building, with many of us in independent apartments while accessing help services, I see all the time what a threshold giving up driving is. Even when done voluntarily, by healthy people, there is a sense of crossing a line of life diminishment this is. My DW has Alzheimer’s but gave up driving early, thank goodness. It is one more crucial grief to which we have to respond when nothing we do is enough. Blessings to you!!!!!

harshedbuzz

I am sorry you are dealing with this all too common issue. This was our life, as well. Dad never let the driving thing drop; the very last conversation we had hours before he died was him asking me to bring (in a MCF) him a car in case he needed to go somewhere.

Empathy and validation of the unfairness of it all was a better strategy than trying to reason but frankly, he needed medication to handle the big emotions that went with this and other losses. If he's throwing things, he likely would benefit as well. It might be a cushion today but could be a lamp or table tomorrow.

Also, lock down your credit if you haven't already.

HB

Call me Gram

JC5, I understand and respect your reluctance to give your DH anti-psychotics. My mother (who was a nurse) always drilled into me how dangerous strong medications could be. As a result, anytime I have been very sick or in the hospital, I have declined offers for oxycodone, hydrocodone, or morphine. However, if my DH were dying of cancer or some other disease, and morphine made him feel better, I would not hesitate to provide it.

Our loved ones with dementia are dying from this awful disease. If giving them an anti-psychotic makes their life a little less "painful" (less miserable), I think it's a similar scenario.

My DH takes an anti-anxiety medication (sertraline/Zoloft). He is much happier and experiences less anxiety (pacing, questioning, worry). Do what you think is best, but I wanted to share my experience with you.

Praying you can find some peace in the middle of this journey we are all on together.

Chance Rider

My husband was experiencing anxiety and would get very angry. Since being on Sertraline/Zoloft he’s much calmer. Still occasionally has outbursts but so much less intense.

H1235

It is so hard to know how to handle these things. Would it work to just put off going to the bank, dmv, or dealership til spring, or maybe your really busy around the house, or your worried about finances because you just replaced the furnace ( come up with an excuse)….. I also wonder about being on line. Could this easy access to cars for sale be feeding his desire for a car. Could you find a way to block his access to these sites. Maybe you could put some kind of child restrictions on his computer. How bad would he freak out if you blocked internet access all together? You could tell him there is a problem with the internet and you need to get it fixed. I would avoid any discussion of his not being able to drive at ALL costs. He will not believe you and nothing is going to convince him he can’t drive. This is causing him a lot of anxiety. I would consider medication. Maybe the doctor would be willing to start with a mild anxiety medication vs what I would assume is a more powerful antipsychotic. I hope you find a solution.

SDianeL

This is one of the most difficult behaviors for caregivers. Your DH has Anosognosia which is a neurological condition where a person lacks awareness or insight into their own disability or illness, often due to brain damage affecting self-awareness, common in conditions like  dementia, preventing them from recognizing symptoms or impairments that are obvious to others, and making treatment difficult. It's distinct from denial, as it's a physical brain issue, not a psychological coping mechanism, making people with it genuinely believe nothing is wrong. Reasoning does no good. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Arguing does no good. It only increases his anxiety. Better to stop triggers. Maybe taking him for drives is making it worse. He is vulnerable to scams. Lock down his phone and computer internet access. One person posted here that a dealership actually sold their loved one with dementia a car. You will have to answer the driving question many many times until the disease progresses to the point he no longer remembers. Try to distract, redirect or offer a treat. I would reconsider medications to calm him. No need for him to have anxiety. Get a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is the best type of doctor to manage medications for dementia.