Dealing with verbal abuse?

Mdianewa

I’m caring for my 85 yo husband. As far as I can determine he is moderately affected: able to do adls, able to walk slowly due to chf. Short term memory gone—less than 10 minutes. Orientation limited. Does walk alone around the block. However, his personality has changed. He has always been explosive when angry but responded to my conversations regarding tone, volume, manner. Now his reactions have amplified, becoming agitated over minor things, waking me up at night when I have retired early talking loudly ignoring my plea for sleep, waking me up early talking/yelling at me saying he doesn’t know why he married me. Then he changes during the day telling me how much he loves me. About 80-90% of his conversation is sexual, demanding the right to touch me where/when he wants. Of course, he is impotent.
We have a part time house help. I can leave the house for 2-3 hours. I am responsible for household accounts and chores, auto and house maintenance. I would appreciate empathy and advice. I have decided to not respond to him when he is verbally abusive and attempt to distract him during other times which only works minimally. My stress level is high.

ronda b

You might need to let his dr know. There are medication that can curb the aggression and seawall aggressiveness.

terei

I would look into medication to control his aggression. Record his attacks if possible to demonstrate the abuse. Just because he is impaired, does not mean that you have to tolerate this. Your comfort and wellbeing is AT LEAST as important as his.

If he actually threatens you, do not hesitate to call 911 and have him brought to an ER and then to a Geri psych unit to be assessed and treated. There is only so much stress one person can take.

harshedbuzz

The middle/moderate stages of the disease were most difficult for us because of dad's behaviors.

Medication is what works to calm the anxiety the drives the hair-trigger rage. We found redirection and distraction impossible until meds were on board.

An antipsychotic might be most appropriate in this situation as they can help with dysfunctional sleep patterns and hypersexual behavior.

IME, Seroquel helped dad with the agitation and aggression but didn't tamp down the constant sex talk. FWIW, he was already on ADT so it was interesting this was even an issue. I have since been told that cimetidine (Tagamet) can help with sexual behaviors.

My sympathies.
HB

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry you are going through this. All the behaviors you mention are common in dementia. Anxiety, aggression, delusions, hallucinations, sleep problems and hypersexuality. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. When he wakes you Lin the middle of the night, it sounds like you are trying to reason with him. Ask his doctor for medication to calm him and take away his hyper-sexuality. Try to get him on a schedule. Learn all you can about the disease. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are very helpful. Come here often for info and support. 💜

arldaughter

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Like others, I would recommend talking with his doctor about the behaviors and see if medication might help. Rexulti is approved for dementia patients, so you might ask about that in addition to what others have suggested. (I say that with no awareness of cost nor whether it might be too expensive for your household.) My LO is on it and it has helped with all the behaviors you noted (although I am not aware of hypers-exuality being a concern). My parent who was the primary caregiver was hospitalized for more than a week and when they returned home they got an earful from my LO about being away for so long, then had to deal with nightlong restlessness and disruptions in their weakened condition! My LO is now in memory care, and that has been difficult but overall a blessing. As others have said, your well-being is as important as your spouse's, so be sure to take care of yourself. Being a caregiver and managing all aspects of your household takes a toll on a person and is very stressful! I hope you have ways to make time for yourself.

wyldrnwolf

Like you, I am coping with verbal abuse as well as a stream of curse words when his phone does not work or the tv control "doesn't work." He (77 y/o) also denies he has moderate brain atrophy, dementia symptoms, and that his behavior is a problem, blaming me. He does not do much except pay bills but he has been very rigid and controlling with that. .He is facing hip replacement in early February. On Monday, he is having his neuropsychiatric testing. I am a RN with a PhD and taught on dementia but, in his opinion, I don't know anything. He is lucky I recognized what is going on or I would have left five years ago.

I need help trying not to be angry or bitter in his verbal abuse . I can't stop him when he escalates. He is not so bad to put him in care but he is wearing me down emotionally.

How does everyone else cope through aggression.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263623#Comment_263623

welcome. Sorry you are going through this. Many RNs in this group and they say it’s much more difficult to care for a loved one. Training doesn’t prepare you for this. Your husband has Anosognosia which means he doesn’t have the ability to recognize he has a disability. No amount of telling him will change that. 2 things I learned here from these great caregivers: You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Never argue with someone with dementia. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended by a nurse. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are very helpful. Anxiety is common in dementia. Cursing is common in some forms of dementia. PWD takes it out on their primary caregiver. I’m not a nurse but what helped me was to stop thinking about my DH as my spouse. Our relationship changed. I began to think of him as my patient and me his nurse. It took some of the emotion out of it. Remember it’s the dementia talking not him. Find a Geriatric Psychiatrist and ask for medication to calm him. They are best to manage medications for dementia behaviors. Techniques you might try are: redirect, distract or offer a treat. Ice cream worked for my DH. During the day I focused on him 100% until I had to place him in memory care. I did everything else at night after he went to sleep. Hire help for your respite care, housekeeping and yard work if you can. Caregiving will take a toll on your mental and physically well being. Make sure your legal affairs are in order. DPOA & Medical POA. Start a Plan B now for long term care. Some areas have long waiting lists. Come here often for info and support. We understand. In the future, you will get more replies if you start a new post. Press the plus sign at the bottom of the page and create a new post with subject line. You can also call the Alzheimer’s toll free number listed below the page to see if they have resources in your area like day care. Also your local Agency on Aging may have resources in your area.

Jeff H

My DW is similar. She doesn't fall for any redirect or distraction. She's honed in on her fixation and nothing works. I just have to wait it out until it subsides. Some episodes can last an hour or two and then it's gone like nothing ever happened. It's a sickening horrible disease. It's so taxing on us caregivers. I feel for all of you, but we are not alone.

Timmyd

What has helped me is to try and create some space during the periods of verbal abuse. Being yelled at and insulted from 6 feet away is much worse for me than from 26 feet away. Fortunately we have an open floor plan and I am able to generally create space when needed and still keep an eye on DW. It still is a miserable experience but fortunately with DW, these are episodes that normally do not last more than an hour or two.