Just Curious

Doingitalone

Don't know what stage my DH is but quite frequently he will look at me and ask where his uncle is or if he went home or if he went to bed already. His uncle died long before I met my DH and we have been married almost 40 years. I know who he's talking about. I usually just answer him that I'm not sure or yes he's already left, etc. Is this the right thing to do or should I gently tell him he died many years ago?

tonyac2

I understand your dilemma. My DH asks about and calls out for deceased loved ones all the time. In the beginning I made the error of telling him his mother had passed away. I’ll never make that mistake again. He cried as if he were learning it for the first time. So now I go along with his reality on everything. It helps him be less anxious. This is a terrible disease that keeps taking and taking.

Jeff H

For me, it helps to just agree with their conclusion. If you try to reason, it can just open up a can of worms.

trottingalong

Never tell them a person has passed away. It’s horrible emotional for them in that moment. Then they will ask again where they are because they have forgotten already. A fib is the kindest thing you can do.

Biggles

Totally agree with trottingalong. Their brain is no longer functioning properly and nothing really computes properly anymore and can’t deal with the emotional turmoil.

Miles2Go

best to make up the fiblets. Never tell him that the person has passed. DH often asks for his mother (passed 30 years ago) or says she called but he missed her call and he asks everyone if they have her phone number so he can call her. Then he asks about his sister who also passed about 25 years ago. Continue to say he's not here now, or some other diversion and then distract or bring up another subject.

jgreen

Welcome @Doingitalone I am so glad you found us!

You received great advice from all the above. I recommend you research this terrible disease as best as you can. There are some good books (such as The 36-Hour Day) and websites by respected professionals (Natalie Edmonds, Tam Cummings, and Teepa Snow to name a few). I found this behavioral assessment on Tam Cummings’ website. It can help you get an idea of your DH’s stage. Tam has other good tools as well

Dementia Behavioral Assessment.pdf

Come back often and let us know how you are doing. God bless you.

annie51

You’re doing the right thing. My DH often asked about his parents and I said they were away visiting his sister. It’s hard at first to fib if it’s not in your nature, but once you realize it’s the most compassionate way to handle it, it gets easier. You can try using the same answer over and over as long as it works. That way you don’t have to come up with something on the spot. They usually will not remember your previous answer.