Convincing person with dementia to go to parents' memorial

Merla

My parent with dementia had their parents both recently pass away in close proximity of each other. There will be a memorial service at an informal venue. My parent is local to the memorial celebration. My parent with dementia visited her parents regularly in the past year when she moved close to them to go to memory care. She is midstage.

My parent was close to her parents considering she was a very independent person particularly in the last 20 years of her life. However she developed a negative perception of one of her parents in the last few months mostly based on her perception of the past. Prior to this she was always mostly positive about her parents minus one brief negative period about her other parent which was due to dementia but this passed.

In any case my parent is saying a lot of negative things about her one parent and saying she doesn't want to go to the service. People are trying to convince her to go. I am flying in from out of state to attend and had planned on accompanying my parent to the memorial event.

Is there anything I can do to facilitate her attending. In theory this is an important event. I think that she would enjoy it, seeing family, seeing photos, eating at her parents favorite restaurant. And it would be a time to say good bye. My parents overall has really enjoyed connecting with her parents and other family this past year and it was probably the one bright spot of the start of memory care. I feel like if she goes then she might make one final nice memory of her parents. She still does have some ability to form new memories.

So personally I think people should stop trying to convince her to go and should just try to change the subject when she starts going on about how terrible her one parent was and how she isn't going to go to the memorial. And hopefully these negative feelings pass and she just goes with me to the event. I also tried taking the slant that she should go for her other parent but this wasn't at all persuasive to her.

I don't have a high level of concern my parent would act inappropriately at the event. For whatever reason she has become highly non confrontational so will act polite to everyone but then may complain vehemently behind their backs. Highly unlike her normal self as she was always direct and assertive and spoke her mind. Now she just talks about them behind their backs even in the case of my sibling who dropped her off at memory care. So I don't anticipate her being inappropriate at the memorial but do plan to be on high alert and leave with her immediately if things go south. I also think her parents would have wanted her to attend their memorial.

H1235

What is her memory like? Do you need to remind her at each visit that her parents have passed? My mil was taken out of state for her sister’s funeral. She was so confused and uneasy the whole trip. When we visited just days after returning she was complaining that her sister hadn’t called in ages. You said you don’t expect her to act inappropriately, but what if she does? If you bring her she could disrupt a very solemn event. What if she were to shout out these very negative thoughts during the funeral? It could leave distant relatives and guests wondering if these things she is saying are true. This would taint the memory of your grandparents. Or maybe she would bring these accusations up in quiet conversation with a distant relative while you are in the bathroom. Even if it’s unlikely is it worth taking the chance. I would protect your grandparents memory and reputation. We usually say here it’s best to live in their world. If she doesn’t want to go I would not try to convince her. Sorry for being blunt, but given the dementia it’s not something she is going to regret down the road.

Quilting brings calm

Since you are flying in for the event, you are obviously not local. How long has it been since you’ve taken your mom out for a meal and an extended visit with people? Being with her will be quite different than talking with her on the phone or over FaceTime. Changes can happen so gradually that you don’t notice it until you are actually there. It’s quite possible your mom won’t handle just being out and about well. At mid-stage, she will be anxious and confused about the change in her routine. Deciding what to order for lunch might even be too much for her. Too many people in one place could upset her. I’d honor her wishes and leave her in her familiar setting. Visit with her on your own.

Merla

She used to see her parents about once a week and they were a regular part of her life so she does fully understand they have passed. I last saw her around thanksgiving and the change I noted was delusions which are becoming more frequent and impacting her quality of life. I think her memory is ok, like midstage so she obviously forgets a lot but she does remember some things especially special events like going to see a musical with family. She goes out from memory care frequently with a caregiver and family.

I've never seen her make a scene but there is always a first for her everything with dementia. I'm of course very desensitized to dementia drama and take it with a grain of salt but I can appreciate that others at the memorial service are not. Like when she goes on about how terrible her parent was, it doesn't impact me emotionally at all as it's clearly the disease talking but I can see how someone else might be impacted.

terei

Quit discussing it. On the day, tell her you are going to a luncheon or whatever and just take her. The prior discussion of the event is only serving to agitate her (IMO)

Merla

yeah so this is what I told people, to just stop talking about the event and let her mind to move to something else and maybe she will just come along with me to it like she would if it were some other family event.

I never argue with my mom beside an occasional inquiry to her thoughts but it seems like other family members are trying to refute her perspective. When I called her the other day, her first words were that she wasn't going to this dinner even though I hadn't even mentioned it so she must be all riled up and fixated on it.