Advice on how to reply with DH lack of recognition

Sunny D

I am asking for advice on how to appropriately respond to my DH of 45 years. In the past few weeks, he repeatedly does not recognize me and is fearful of the "lady: who is taking care of him. He calls his sister and our daughter expressing concern about who I am, that I won't give him any money/stealing his investment money, and is mostly avoiding me. He does not drive any longer (another concern of his) and so going to get haircuts, dr apts, daughter's home etc adds more anxiety. I am at a loss as to how to respond and I am also heartbroken. Any advice is appreciated. (I am trying to speak with a counselor at the Alzheimer's Association to plot my journey but thought this forum may be helpful as well. Thanks in advance!

charley0419

I can’t image what your going through, I think about that all the time but can’t get my head around it can happen, keep the faith

H1235

Welcome. So sorry! Correcting him and trying to convince him of who you are will probably only cause more anxiety. The rule we often talk about here is never try try to reason with a person with dementia. Sadly it generally works best to live in their world. Have you tried going along with it. Could you tell him you were hired by family to help him with some things around the house until he gets feeling better. You don’t want to say “care for him”, because he probably doesn’t think he needs to be cared for. Would his sister or your daughter help with this explanation? It might be more comfortable for him if you move into the spare room if you haven’t already (maybe for you too). I would definitely talk with his doctor to see if medication for his anxiety would be appropriate. I’m glad you found us.

Sunny D

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263892#Comment_263892

Thank you for your thoughts and yes, we are sleeping in different rooms (and so I keep one ear out for his night wanderings to our doors. A few months ago he would constantly look out the doors at night to find our home or get dressed and gather a collection of things to go to work. I know from reading up on Alzheimer's that these are very common behaviors so sleep,,, well naps for me in the daytime! Lots of continuous change for both of us.

Dr apt - he does not want me talking to his GP about any of this so wants me to wait in the lobby (I normally go with him for communication ease). His neurologist apt is a few weeks out so maybe that will settle in by then.

We do laugh, eat together, watch tv; trying to find joy in each day!

jfkoc

Heart breaking.

One member posted years ago that she often had to leave the room/house and come back in as herself. You might give it a try.

sandwichone123

What a difficult turn of events. He may be thinking of a "you" at a different stage in your shared relationship. You might tell him that while his wife (you) is away she asked you to come by and help keep an eye out (help with the cooking, whatever you think he might buy). Ask your SIL and daughter to provide the same story. You can shift the story around a little until you find something that works. Provide the neurologist's office with a note or write in on the patient portal outlining the behaviors you're seeing. Getting some medication for anxiety might help.

At some point your dh will stop noticing whether or not he knows you. That will provide the sadness of a new stage.

SDianeL

welcome. Glad you found this community but sorry for the reason. You have been given good advice. A few more things that may help: read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. There should be one on how to respond if your LO doesn’t recognize you.

SDianeL

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NxkD1xrNvMU

Lgb35

I am so sorry I we are not there yet. I wonder if you placed pictures of the two of you around the room it might help him understand you are an important person to him and he is safe with you.
You might look into some security cameras and door alarms. I just got some and DH wanted to know why I got them. I said it was for the grandkids when they were here and he thought it was a good idea. We also sleep in different rooms and I feel relieved when I go to my room at night.

Jeff H

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264121#Comment_264121

I have placed different pictures of us around the house. That seems to help with my DW recognizing me.

LearningCurve

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263892#Comment_263892

I needed to see this post and the reminders. I'm thinking I may need to post it on my bathroom mirror. I so hate it and feel bad when I for get those 2 "rules."

jehjeh

I once used that tactic of leaving the room, changing my clothes, pulling my hair back and re entering the room saying loudly, Hi Honey, do you need anything? He asked if I had seen the lady who was just here and he told me all about their conversation.

Other times,I would go along, pretending to be the caregiver who ran the place, or his nurse...fortunately, he was never afraid of me. I did sort of frighten him once when I tucked him into bed and leaned in for a kiss. I saw the surprise on his face and caught myself before I went too far.

One morning he told me he had a visitor in his bed the night before but assured me he didn't touch her.

Not sure what I would have done if he was fearful of me. I think the advice others have given about bringing his sister and your daughter into the loop might help.

Sunny D

Thank you - we continue down that path and I am getting better at recognizing the look in his eyes for familiarity/none.