Fibbing about dead people

dancsfo

PWD asks about dead people daily, many times a day. I know that some people oppose fibbnig, but I'd rather not tell the truth that these people are dead, since it brings grief.

If PWD wants to see them, I usually say they are traveling, and that answer is usually forgotten and I get the same question later. Or I distract to some other topic.

But if PWD insists on calling them, how far would you go to go along with the delusion? I don't want to set up a fake a phone call with a collaborator to pretend "talking about the old days", and perhaps needing to repeat that call over and over. I think I'd just try to distract away from the idea of a phone call. I prefer to use fibs sparingly. PWD doesn't know how to use a phone anymore so there's no danger of making a call on their own.

An equally difficult issue is a desire to talk to someone who is alive, but may not know how to talk to a PWD. I think one needs to prep them to talk and "live in their world" or "reality", so as not to agitate the PWD. I think that kind of prep is very difficult in my experience, and maybe it's just better to make the call very short with just a few words. I've pulled out photos of people and talk about them, and that seems to be reassuring and enough to satisfy for that moment, instead of actually talking with that person. But it's hard to predict - some photos seem to cause distress.

I found one article on this topic from AgingCare.

Jeff H

I know trying to cause a distraction or to change the subject might not work, but it may be worth a try. I know my DW can be fixated on things for an hour or so, but it does eventually pass.

terei

I used to say that I just tried to call them + there was no answer or their answering machine said they were on vacation.

dancsfo

Thanks @Jeff H and @terei I think distraction or deferring is the way to go, as you wrote. If I can stop PWD from getting fixated on the topic, I can do whatever that works. Whatever I say will be forgotten, so I don't have to worry about specifics (i.e. whether there the dead were "on vacation"). I keep making the mistake of thinking what I say matters. I think saying something to answer is more important.

tonyac2

@dancsfo

I bought my husband an old rotary phone and gave him a list of phone numbers. He loved dialing the numbers and trying to reach people. The phone isn’t connected, but he doesn’t know. Once in awhile he’ll say nothing is happening. I’ll tell him, well, they must not be home. Now he has no interest in the phone. Funny how things change. What used to be a big issue is no longer an issue. Something else has taken its place.
I made the terrible mistake of telling him his mother passed away when he asked about her and he bawled like a baby. It broke my heart that I hurt him like that. I never tell him his loved ones are deceased. I’ll say I haven’t seen so and so today. Or, I think they went home. Anything but saying they died. That was so cruel.

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265050#Comment_265050

Thanks @tonyac2 It didn't occur to me that a non-functional phone with be a solution. Sometimes, the act of trying to make the connection can satisfy a need, even if nobody answers.