Venting!

Lgb35

DH is doing everything he can to avoid accepting his dementia diagnosis. He’s still working and driving even though he has been told not to. I have reported him to the DMV and just waiting for them to do his evaluation. I am under so much stress. DH can’t do the financial stuff, I have to manage his medication, I handle all of his doctors appointments. I am trying to make sure I am ready to handle all that’s coming without a timeframe or what exactly I will have to deal with. I’m trying to get our estate in place to protect our assets since he is being selfish and continues to drive. He just doesn’t care about the risk to me, our family and other people. He is in sales and made a significant error. He now wants to take 30k dollars from his retirement account to pay his employer the difference. I am livid. I told him if he did that he would be done working. I blew up. I said I didn’t care anymore but it would be nice if he started to care. Sometimes I just want off this ride

ronda b

Can you let his employer know he has alz . And force him to quit. Sounds like he has anosognosia. How old is he? Can he retire?

sandwichone123

Hi LGB, welcome! I'm so sorry you find need for this community, but so happy you found us. This is the most helpful support group many of us have found anywhere. :-)

Many people with Alzheimer's never do understand their impairment. You have to act anyway. It's important to get him on FMLA so he can retain his job while you find out what retirement and other benefits he may have. If he gets fired first, the benefits may be gone forever.

He may never understand that he can't drive any more. You may need to disconnect something so the car won't run until you can hide or remove the keys. Get the car taken to a shop, or send it home with a relative and tell him it's in the shop.

Lgb35

DH is 62 so he could retire. No retirement for him through work only his 401k.

I am at my wits end and I know many are in a more advanced stage so I feel bad complaining but dang it’s hard

Biggles

Dont feel bad about complaining you have some serious problems to solve. Your DH’s brain isn't working properly and he can no longer think, analyze, solve or even understand the seriousness of the situation. Communicate with his work if you can and let them know there is a problem. As a basic get a POA (Power of Attorney ) in place straight away. Don't try to discuss or argue with your DH, just agree with him with words OK, can do or whatever but you must do all the decision making and do what has to be done. It's hard and scary but when you take control you can at least start to breath again. Good luck. Stay tuned in here and ask questions.

H1235

There is no easy stage in dementia. You are going through a lot. Feel free to vent. Conversations with him about all of this are pointless. You need to to what needs to be done without discussion. Is there any way you can hide the things he would need to make a big financial moves. I assume he doesn’t have online passwords memorized. Maybe take all the financial paperwork and hide it in a tote in the garage. Take credit cards out of his wallet and let him think he lost them. Can you disable the car, hide the keys, have someone come and pick it up and let him think it was stolen? I know all these things are easier said than done and I imagine all of these things would make him very angry. Better to have him mad, than your life savings gone or a car accident that involves someone losing their life. I hope you can find a solution

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75192/venting

We all need to vent sometimes and this is a safe place to do it. You need to talk to an attorney ASAP to get power of attorney, both for finances and for health care and make sure he has a will/trust in place. I don't know what you have read about dementia or what you know, but I will remind you that he basically isn't responsible for anything he says or does because his brain is broken. He may talk and act like a normal person but he isn't. That's a really hard thing to wrap your brain around when they seem to be normal. You are THE responsible adult in your household.

I know that talking to your DH about you taking over the finances is a difficult discussion. We were forced into once when DH clicked on a bank scamming site and we nearly lost $30,000 before I stepped in and stopped it. At that point he agreed to let me be the primary on the accounts and I changed all the info at the banks. Since you have a similar situation, you may be able to use that.

When my DH does or says something that is hurtful or seems selfish, I have to remind myself that his brain is broken.

Chammer

@Lgb35 your situation sounds eerily like mine. DH is 62 yo, worked in sales and we started our own business many years ago and sales were his responsibility - he was good at sales, very good. DH made some business decisions beginning about 5 yrs ago which leaves us in a rather bleak and precarious financial place both the business and personally. DH isnt diagnosed with any neurocognitive issues but began showing signs of cognitive changes beginning in 2019-2020. He is still "working" in our company and I'm not sure if the business or him working will fail first.

All that said I would absolutely stand firm that your husband retain the 30k. Unfortunately, mistakes happen - that is the nature of business and sales. His employer may very well terminate him or he can choose to "retire." I am sorry you are dealing w this. I understand.

Chance Rider

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75192/venting

I’m sorry you’re in the position of having to protect your assets. That’s a constant worry for me as well.

When my ex-husband and I had a business (over 35 years ago) we carried a million dollar E&O (errors and omissions) insurance. It’s possible your DHs employer may be covered by something similar.

trottingalong

I changed all passwords having to do with bank accounts, etc. Got a POA and removed credit cards. Like everyone stated, you cannot have a conversation with him about finances, you have to take control to protect yourself. It’s not easy to retrain yourself not to discuss things with your husband. It’s been a blessing for me that my DH shirt term memory is shot.

Timmyd

@Lgb35 your DH should be eligible for SSDI if he leaves his job. ALZ SSDI applications are supposed to be fast tracked. I am not sure you can complete the entire application process on his behalf without his knowledge or consent, but you can certainly start looking into it. I would start by having a consultation with an attorney who specialized in SSDI.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75192/venting

I can’t even imagine the stress you are living under. We were advised by our attorney to take out a two million dollar umbrella policy to protect our assets. I highly suggest you do the same. Talk to your financial advisor and find out what accounts could be at risk if your husband was in an accident. Certain accounts are protected. Depending on the state you are in, your home could be at risk in a lawsuit.
Could your local police department do anything to stop him from driving? Definitely talk to an SSDI attorney. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your husband. He can no longer protect himself or you.

SDianeL

You have every right to vent. Caregiving is hard. Your DH cannot accept his diagnosis. He has anosognosia. His brain is broken. You can’t reason with him. No need to try. No matter how many times he’s told not to do something it won’t work. His short term memory is gone and his ability to reason is no longer there. People with dementia lose the ability to have empathy or sympathy. It’s not that he doesn’t care. He can’t. You must take control of everything. Disable the car. Have it moved somewhere else. Talk to his employer. He must quit work and file for disability. Lock down internet and phone access, get control of all accounts, credit cards etc. He’s vulnerable to scammers. He will never do these things on his own. He can’t.

BPS

We talked about dementia once when she was diagnosed and after that we didn't talk about it because it only upset her. I just slowly started doing the thing that she had done before. I know for a lot of people it is more difficult than it was in our case but I just slowly did it and without a discussion she didn't question it.

Momx3

Don’t feel bad about venting…everyone here knows what you are going through and don’t feel guilty about the anger or frustration!! My DH is 62 and we are 3 years into this horrible journey. I gave his vehicle to our son about a year and a half ago. I’m still working full time so most of the day he is at home (I’ve installed cameras so I can keep an eye on him) but I don’t have to worry about him driving. He still thinks he is more than capable to drive but he isn’t. I know that this will only work for a while before we have to take more aggressive steps but I want to keep him home with me as long as I can. When it’s just he and I at home everything is pretty normal (except he has no short term memory left) we go about our day and evenings pretty normally. Hope this helps and never forget you are not alone in this terrible journey !

EH404

I agree with all that’s been said here. Vent away!

But also consider this - The Enhance Protocol - a service provided by a company called A Mind for All Seasons.

A bit of info about the company - founded by Eric Collett - who ran a memory care facility for 10 years & has trained memory care staff in 39 states.

He gets it. His company has a medical team. TEP - The Enhance Protocol- isn’t cheap, it’s $3,000 & not covered by insurance.

We just put our son through it as he was experiencing severe post concussion syndrome a year after a bad concussion from NCAA D1 lacrosse. Amazing results.

They have created fascinating improvements with dementia symptoms too from what I’ve learned about Eric & the company. My mother has lived in memory care for 6 years & I wish I knew Eric when her journey started.

TEP startS with a huge amount of blood work looking at metabolic function, hormones, vitamins, and so many more things. They make sure your body is optimized to fight the symptoms of dementia & they assess people via cognitive testing too, to determine outcomes. They’ve treated dozens of retired professional athletes too.

The website is A Mind For All Seasons. Google it. I’m so grateful we did this for our son - it turned out his Vitamin D levels were super low, he has the MRTH genetic discrepancy that doesnt allow him to process B vitamins normally (we had no idea, apparently 40% of the population has this genetic variation, who knew?), so they gave him a different formulation of B vitamins that his body can use correctly. The right kind & dose of Omega 3’s. Some adjustments to level out his hormones. Advice on lifestyle factors like alcohol, diet, exercise , etc.

They have seen people go from scoring 8% on cognitive tests to well into the 90th %. They see a lot of executives, sales leaders, etc - so they understand that male personality and are well suited to position the necessary interventions in a way that can generate a positive response.

Wishing you all the best best.

Grandot

Sundays seem harder for some reason-so I’m venting. I’ve just answered the same question 4 times in the last 10 minutes and have answered it a hundred times since October. I know he can’t help it!! It is so so sad. I’m exhausted most of the time mentally and emotionally but he doesn’t recognize it or understand it. I’m so grateful that he is sweet most of the time and happy. He doesn’t recognize that he has any memory issues. I miss having meaningful conversations with him - but we have the same ones over and over. I just pray daily that I can help to make his day happy.

Victoriaredux

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264476#Comment_264476

Is there a company disability plan? You don't want to leave money on the table.

Where do you get your medical insurance? If he is on leave etc will employer coverage continue as it takes 2 years to get Medicare if on SSDI .

"DH is doing everything he can to avoid accepting his dementia diagnosis."

That level of processing may be beyond him now. It isn't something he can come to grips with. Look up

Anosognosia
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/295/anosognosia

Arguing, showing documents—does nothing. It's not like addiction issues.

Have you seen an elder care lawyer? If he starts to mismanage funds you may never be able to recover them . You are in the what I think of swiss cheese years - most behavior seems ok and then whoa - the PWD does or says something off the wall. It's a gamble if its something fixable or a disaster.

A lawyer can offer suggestions- like a maybe a living trust - you both own assets but only you are the signer. If something happened to you a successor could step in to care for him . Assuming the lawyer finds him ok to understand the outlines of what he is asked to sign.