I need some positive vibes and a positive outlook. Help.

Merla

I had a hard visit to memory care and feel so sad for a lot of reasons. My parent is midstage, I'm power of attorney and live out of state and visit every couple of months.

any way usually I try to keep myself emotionally detached from her symptoms and make it my goal to just give her a pleasant fun enjoyable visit and play the role of a "secret caregiver" in the sense that I am arranging her life and her care to make it as pleasant as possible. This mentality makes it easier for me to interact with her because I'm just care focused for her so I just validate her emotions and try to meet her where she is at and take her thoughts and concerns seriously regardless of of what they are. However sometimes it all gets to me emotionally to see her decline and also it's hard because dealing with her care is a major responsibility for me when I'm in the height of midlife busyness with a demanding job and young kid etc. I just feel so sad today for it all.

I would like help reframjng my sadness. Terrible sadness just isn't even helpful when dealing. With a person with dementia anyhow. To me I'm at my best when I'm happy, energetic, calm and in problem solving mode with her. So this sadness is getting to me. I had to run out of the memory care when I was Leaving for the airport because I was overwhelmed with sadness for what is and what will come.

There are so many positives to my parents situation. I can choose any memory care i want. I am her power of attorney so can make the decisions. I have supportive extended family. My parent is generally in a good mood. The facility she is at is as good as there is available. My parent is generally in a good mood relatively speaking. Also I wasn't super emotionally close to my parent during my adult life so I don't feel a massive loss of a "best friend" that some may feel. I do feel a sense of loss but it's probably very different than adult children who spent many years with their parent nearby or were very emotionally very close.

I am generally positive and really try to focus on the positives and am solution and plan oriented but I'm having a moment of overwhelming sadness.

Quilting brings calm

@Merla did you take your mom to the celebration of life or not? How did it go if you did?

H1235

My mom and very very difficult brother have caused me so much stress. I finally talked with my doctor about medication. I avoided it for way too long. For me I find the issue is anxiety. Do you feel the depression is worse when you visit. I know my anxiety amps up during my visits. Even if everything goes fine, there is that stress and anxiety wondering what she might say or what crazy demand she might have. Maybe your doctor could prescribe something just for those times when you go to visit her. I get the impression from another recent post that you stay with her in her memory care room while you visit. Is this typical? Maybe it would be better for you to get a hotel while you are there. I hope you can figure something out.

psg712

Sometimes, as upbeat as I try to be for my mom when I am with her, the sad reality of her condition just gets to me. It's tough. Hugs for you.

Merla

I'm sad in part because my parent's parents just passed and this is huge for her even if she doesn't truly realize it as she viewed her purpose as taking care of her ailing elderly parents and this is gone now. And also her symptoms are getting disturbing to me like total delusions. Also her parents passing was always the time point I was going to reevaluate her care and consider if she might be better off local to me and I think the honest answer is yes she would be better off.

my parent did not go to her parents memorial dinner as elected not to go weird reasons and I just told everyone she was sick which was true and in retrospect the event wouldn't have been enjoyable for her as it was loud and crowded in a small space. I brought her back a memorial announcement which I think she liked. My parent had her own special good bye with her mom ( likely imagined but whatever) so she won't regret not going

To me now that her parents have passed. It's of course scary to assume total responsibility for a parent with dementia and have literally no other family to call on for support.

I'm having trouble coordinating her care from a distance. Thr facility is truly amazing but she also needs a family member taking responsibility for little details nearby. Like it's a challenge to get her to accept new clothes and this is something best done in person. She had been hiding away the warm clothes I sent and not wearing them. Or making her room nice. Also I wonder if they would have been on top of her crush so quickly if I hadn't been there asking for mucinex telling them that she is super sick. I wonder if she would have been given a meal in her room if I hadn't asked for it when she was sick. Simple stuff like making sure they put the soft mattress pad on her bed. Etc this is all hard stuff to achieve from a distance and it would be easy to achieve in person. I don't at all regret placing her by her parents and other family but I think it's time to look into moving her when thr timing is right and this gives me a pit of anxiety on my stomach. I would be totally fine with it if I had a network of extended family by me.

Fortunately my parent at this point doesn't get mad at me or anyone really. Oddly enough the disease in many ways has mellowed her out. Also even a bad mood doesn't scare me like it used to when she lived with me.

I actually feel better already. I always have a hard time leaving the memory care when I visit. This time was just harder than usual.

April23

Personally I don’t feel I could care for my dad from afar for all the reasons you mentioned. Like your LO, my dad is in a great place but even still I feel like I have to stay on top of them a bit. Also I see my dad at least twice weekly so nothing is ever a shock when I see him and if it’s a bad visit, I just let it go and try again at the next one. That must be much harder when you see your LO less frequently.

I have let some things go though, I remind them about the mattress pad when I don’t see it but I don’t sweat it. As long as he is warm and clean, I don’t care what he’s wearing. These things bother us more than them. And even being there frequently, these things still happen. As the disease has progressed, my dad cares less and less about his room or things in it and in fact isn’t allowed in his room alone at all anymore until bedtime.

Good care is the most important thing though. Do you have a facility in mind near you? You’ll know when the time is right, just trust your instinct, it has served you and your mom well thus far. hugs

Merla

Yeah I do feel like I need to move her. My sibling is local to her but doesn't really get what needs to be done with her care ie he takes her out for pleasant meals with his kids or may even take her to drs appointments but he doesn't get that it's his job to take care of the details of her care and he probably doesn't have the time for this or recognize the necessity of making it a priority. I am very happy with the facility overall but she needs closer supervision as the disease progresses. I don't regret placing her out there as I really do think it's been an important phase in her life ie reconnecting with my sibling, his kids, her siblings and "taking care of" her parents in the last year of her life. And for my part I had an incredibly stressful year with one of my children having a very major issue that needed to be addressed requiring a lot of my time so having other family take responsibility for her care for a year was beneficial.

But the time has come for me to look into care options by me. My intention was always to have her by me but one thing led to another and I decided to give it a go by our extended family thinking I could always move her. So I already know two facilities I'm debating between which will be a hard choice. One is the same chain as the one she is at and the other one is comparable but another company but is 5 minutes away from me vs 25. It of course is so overwhelming and scary to assume full responsibility of for someone with dementia.