Lazy Husband

pmiles1124

My husband has alzheimers. He has always been a hard worker. Now everything has stopped. I know he is capable of mowing lawn, taking out trash, weedwaking, helping clean yard. Am I expecting too much. I have been paying to get lawn mowed etc. He always says, oh I will do it tommorow. And doesn't. I'm frustrated with him.

Carl46

I hired a lawn mower and a housekeeper, because my wife could no longer do the things she formerly did. FWIW, I would much prefer that a PWD not try to use any power tools. I have seen what a lawn mower can do to a carelessly placed foot, and it wasn't pretty.

wose

I was thinking that too in the beginning. He was always lump on a log but dementia brought him to a full stop. I finally realized he is just incapable of doing things. The brain shrinks sometimes pretty rapidly and they just don’t have the capacity to do even if we think they can. My DH uses the tomorrow excuse for everything. I think they don’t want to look incompetent or weak to us, so they cover the best they can. I’m terribly sorry you are in this situation. Take good care and a big hug💕💙

RetiredTeacher

Interesting timing of your post. My DH has a cognitive disorder, they won't call it VD yet. He's had 3 strokes, memory is fairly intact but slipping, still walking but mobility is declining but he doesn't use his walker around the house. I buzz around all day every day working from when I get up to when I go to bed getting everything done and it FRUSTRATES ME, that he sits in his recliner, eats and watches TV all day, every day unless I plan outings and activities while i am exhausted and depressed. All work and no play does not make a very well adjusted person. He is capable of more AT THIS POINT. I do understand that will change. I made a very brief daily task list for each of us. His is very simple, mine is everything else but he keeps saying he wants to help...so I decided to give it a try. Only 4 very easy daily tasks: hang flags on porch, unload dish drainer from night before, clean up dog poop and wipe down kitchen island after dinner. He can do all of those. If he doesn't remember where some kitchen gadget goes, he leaves it for me. That's fine. Those are 4 things he did that I don't have to do EVERY DAY. I say let them do simple things they can. I agree, no power tools. I also have a very short weekly list so he can feel like he is helping: taking trash out and cans to the curb for garbage pickup, Webster for cobwebs the outside of the house and clean his toilet. He can still do all these things as of now. It may not be how well i would clean his toilet but I don't use it and I don't critique how well he does it. Those simple things help me feel less frustrated and makes him feel like he's helping. I always praise him and this is a fluid system. It will change in time as needed but it definitely helps me feel less stressed and I think it helps him feel like he is still part of our team.

Victoriaredux

For your safety and serenity, don't expect anything.

While physically he may be able to still walk etc. his brain is no longer able to prioritize , remember the steps in a repair etc, properly judge safety issues, and with lack of empathy in many PWD even care about chores anymore.

With a child you can teach and coach them to do more - with a PWD it is frustrating , can be dangerous and sad but they just can't handle these types of things . Vision issues can play a role too - where their brain just can't see the full field clearly and let them understand what it in front of them. I'm sorry.

H1235

It’s not just about his capability to do these things. There is more to it. A person with dementia can struggle with the passing of time, lack empathy, lack urgency, and are not able to plan or prioritize. I agree with worse that avoiding a task because they fear their inability may also be part of it. I also agree with the others that dementia and a lawnmower are a bad combination.

tonyac2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264957#Comment_264957

I hear you. It’s frustrating and exhausting to do everything every day for two people. My DH is wheelchair bound and cannot follow instructions, so I have zero expectations of him. He can’t even get his feet out of the way when I walk by. I’ll ask and he just looks at me. I move him around with a lift and ask him to put his feet on the platform of the lift. Sometimes he does it, most often he doesn’t and I have to pick his feet up and put them on the platform. It’s seriously like taking care of a full grown adult size toddler. He depends on me for everything. He will lay in that bed, or sit in that chair all day unless I move him as he can’t get up on his own. I never in a million years saw this coming. Now that it’s here I keep adjusting to his changes and try to make each day enjoyable for him. Even tho I might be internally complaining about the nonstop work load.

Stan2

DW and I have been together 57 years. We built a life together, we raised kids together, made a home together and partnered in a couple businesses. We shared all the joy and all the responsibilities. Some things she was better at and she would take the lead and some things were my bailiwick. We always joked that between us we had one good mind. Then it started changing. First she forgot how to keep the books, then she forgot to order supplies. We sold the business. One day she came to me and said "I need some things from the grocery but I'm not going to drive anymore. Would you take me?" Then she stopped with the housework, then cooking, then laundry. As she lost the ability or willingness to do things I quietly picked them up. Since we are now retired and we live simply it has not been too difficult. She is not lazy, she just doesn't even think about doing those things. She can't plan, she lives in the moment. I know many of you have it much tougher than I. We seldom disagree and seldom argue. I know she can pick up on my moods and I try to stay happy and upbeat but it's really hard. I find myself feeling sorry for myself but then feel guilty because I am sorry for myself. Anyway, try not to blame your DH for his lack of motivation, it's not his fault and I am sure it is not what he wants. Try to take joy from this time you have together. We don't know how long it will last..

Momx3

I know exactly how you feel My DH who will be 65 in August is I think in stage 5 of vascular dementia. I miss him and our relationship so bad. He could probably still do some things around the house that would help me but he lacks the motivation. Not for sure what to do to change this. I hate this disease!!!!

BPS

I found it to be more frustrating, time consuming, irritating, stressful, and so on to try to get my wife to do something that she had always done and still (I thought) could do than to just do it and get it done maybe not as good as she used to do or as clean as it could have been but it was done and over. I got less picky about meals when I was doing all the cooking and a little mess here and there didn't bother me when I was doing all the cleaning. It can be hard to do it all especially if you have a job, so don't expect it to all be as good as it was. Good enough is OK.

harshedbuzz

@pmiles1124

Sadly, dementia impacts more than memory very early in the disease process.
Losses around executive function mean he doesn't truly parse the If …, Then … consequences of doing these things.
Loss of empathy means he can't/doesn't care about the impact on you or feel remorse about you doing 100% of the work in the household.
Poor memory might lead him to believe he's still doing these things if it was his custom.
Increases in inertia mean he likely doesn't have the drive to start the project or the executive function to complete the steps properly.
And apathy will lead to him perhaps not caring whether such things are done.

You might be able to engage him in doing this together with you scaffolding each step, but it's possible he'll lose interest or become agitated at being told what to do.

Consider hiring someone if that is in your budget. Some caregivers choose to downsize to a place where lawn and home maintenance are included.

HB

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75248/lazy-husband

I completely understand your frustration. It's frustrating. Now, in year two of his diagnosis, I just assume that I will have to take care of everything, even if it means hiring someone or asking for help. Sometimes DH remembers but more often does not. Is it the ALZ ? Is it laziness? I don't know, but if it is the ALZ I don't want to make him feel worse about it. Amazingly, most of my frustration has gone by the wayside. Sadly, this is a path where everyone has to find their own path.

SDianeL

It’s not laziness. All PWD have this. His brain is broken. He is no longer capable of initiating tasks, knowing how to do tasks or caring whether tasks get done or not. His tomorrow never comes because he doesn’t know what day it is. Dementia is much more than memory loss. It’s loss of the ability to do things. It’s why many don’t shower. I would continue to hire someone to do the lawn and also hire housekeeping help if you can afford to. Caring for someone with dementia is mentally and physically exhausting. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains the disease and gives tips on caring for someone with dementia.