Mom Passed Away & Dad’s Struggling - Advice Needed Badly

MontelG

Hello! I’m in bad need of some advice. My Mom passed away on January 4th and my Dad, who is in the middle stage of Alzheimer’s, is really struggling. They were married for 66 years and had been living in assisted living for the past couple of years. Neither of them could drive or leave the facility with our help. They were best friends and dependent on each other.

Most days Dad kinda remembers that Mom has died. He never remembers any details but kinda knows she is gone. He often says it’s like a dream he isn’t certain is real. On good days, he knows she is gone and he keeps wanting to notify people and settle her affairs, which we’ve already done. On the good days, he mostly calls to ask where Mom’s ashes are or what we plan to do with them. (They have already been spread in the ocean per her request but he wasn’t there due to travel issues.)

On the “normal” day, he calls me at least once to ask “where’s Mom”? He knows she’s not around and the apartment doesn’t have any of her things. He thinks she’s died but isn’t certain and doesn’t remember details. On the bad days, he doesn’t remember she died and just knows something isn’t right. These calls are often after I’ve gone to bed and they are wreaking havoc on my sleep, mental health, and work. If I miss his call, he calls every 5 minutes until I answer.

Having the discussion over and over is torture for us both. Through my research I often see the recommendations are to say their out running and errand or something and that’s why they aren’t there. That’s not a realistic story given their life. I don’t think he’d believe anything but the truth. He remembers just enough that anything but the truth would be figured out quickly.

I’m desperate for any tips or suggestions on how to make this any easier for everyone.