First MC visit in a week

Bowerbird

Today was the day I finally got to visit my DH in MC, a week after his placement. There were many scenarios playing in my head about how he would respond to me, but I never dreamed of the situation I encountered. One of the issues I had at home with him is that he would only let me do his personal care, which got to be pretty grueling after a while. He is continuing that in MC and they say they cannot force him to let them help.

So I walked into his room to find him lying on the bed with a two day growth of beard and a bathroom with a dried mess on the floor. He had two different shoes on his feet, backwards with the laces removed. He was not agitated, more like confused and possibly depressed. I immediately fetched the head of nursing and she swung into action, getting someone to get him in the shower and wash his clothes, and a housekeeper to clean the room.

He does not really know who I am, which was one of my fears of leaving him alone for a week, but accepted me as (I hope) a kind person there to help. I took him to the kitchen to get a snack and some juice (he drank four small glasses of fluids, so clearly was thirsty). I sat with him at lunch and he ate a bit of this and that.

HIs walker is missing as is his dry erase board upon which I wrote a message to him. I put the word out about those, so hope they will turn up soon.

I have written emails to both the head nurse and the MC Coordinator regarding this neglect, which one would hope wouldn't happen in a facility that charges as much as this one does, not that it should happen anywhere. I hate to be the obnoxious pushy LO, but the squeaky wheel wins out, I hope. I am asking if some sort of medication could help with possible paranoia, anxiety and/or depression. I really hope I do not have to remove him from this place and move him somewhere else. It could be the same thing in another place. How would one know?

annie51

I’m so sorry to hear what happened. When my DH would not accept care from the staff, they called me to approve an increase in his meds and also to approve a PRN dose of Xanax. They would try to change him or shower him and if he resisted too much, they gave him the Xanax and waited a bit, then tried again. This seemed to do the trick. However even when combative, they tried to get done what they needed to do. They often told me they were used to this happening. I could forgive the two day growth of beard but there should never have been dried mess on the bathroom floor and his shoes on backwards, etc. The squeaky wheel is what you’ll need to be as well as a frequent visitor until they fix the issues.

Bowerbird

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265772#Comment_265772

Thanks Annie for taking the time to reply. I have inquired about getting some meds for him, as long as he is not turned into a zombie. I fully intend to be a squeaky wheel and have written a couple of emails to the administrators, so I'll see what happens.

Timmyd

I have no particular advice, but I do really appreciate your willingness to share your experiences with the community. I have great sympathy for what you are going through. You seem to be handling the circumstances with a lot more grace and patience than I might have.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265776#Comment_265776

Good luck. Caregiving doesn’t stop when your LO goes to MC, it just looks different!

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. I hope you get it resolved. It’s unacceptable.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75330/first-mc-visit-in-a-week

We had a similar situation with a relative in memory care. We met with the head administrator and staff under her care. We told the administrator that we would be visiting daily and would take notes and pictures regarding her care. If this were to continue, we would report them to a state agency. This was enough to change the level of care. If you consider another facility, speak to family members of patients. I have found them to be brutally honest. I would speak to them in the parking lot. There are also online reviews of these facilities.

Bowerbird

Luckily today was a better day, as so often happens, though it pays to be a squeaky wheel, which I was in this case. He even knows me again. Though I know better than to think all days will be better ones, I am grateful for this one.

BPS

In my wife's MC most of the workers are very good and caring but there was some things that happened repeatedly that was mostly just no thinking or being in a rush by some of them (there was no abuse or neglect), but since these things were happening repeatedly I told the head nurse I wanted to put a camera in her room. They said there was a few restrictions but as long as I didn't have it facing the door or the bathroom it would be OK. The entire staff knows it is there and the problems have mostly gone away. I also gave access to the head nurse so she can see how her staff is doing, and the staff knows she has access. There is definitely a down side to having a camera in the room. You become very aware of the times your spouse is confused or scared. One of the first nights the camera was there I looked at it and a caregiver had just left the room 20 minutes before but my was sitting there saying help someone please help. She didn't look panicked or upset. I called the MC and told them what I was seeing the they went in and asked her if everything was alright and she said yes and that was the end of it. They had just been in there before hand and my wife's voice is very week so no on heard her. The staff did nothing wrong and when my wife was asked she said everything was OK, but it was still hard to see. Knowing the sad times as they are happening but not being able to do anything about it is hard. Definitely a down side because there will always be times on stress and confusion. I don't even know why I am saying all this because if I had it to do over I would not have put the camera in unless I suspected abuse or neglect. I have learned not to look at it too much.

Lilydaisy

What an extreme violation of your trust and his dignity. I'm glad it has improved. I would guess that sort of non-care would be one of our worst fears as we walk away of a week. It sounds like you handled it far better than some of us might have.

Thanks for sharing that with us.

Bowerbird

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265826#Comment_265826

Thank you for posting about the camera, as painful as it must be to rehash. I thought about doing that, but what you point out about the pain of seeing your LO asking for help sounds nearly unbearable. Just imagining it hurts my heart. What sensitive souls we all are here in this community.

Bowerbird

Thanks for your kind words. Both of the administrators I sent rather irate emails to about this situation were kind enough to stop and speak with me the next day. One was appalled by the situation and said that it should never have happened. So a lesson learned and what a blessing that my DH did not remember it.

Phoenix1966

Something that is quite common in MC facilities is that many of the residents like to “shop”(as most facilities refer to it). They will go around to different rooms and wander off with the belongings of another resident. We’re always instructed to write our LO’s name on items so that they eventually find their way back. The bottom line is not to leave anything with your LO that you can’t afford to lose for an indeterminate amount of time.

Hang in there. Like @annie51 mentioned, the caregiving doesn’t end even when in MC.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265841#Comment_265841

In addition to the “shopping” by other residents, my DH was constantly walking around with things from his room and some things didn’t make it back until I tracked them down.