Ideas? Traveling and getting alone time.

shiawase12

My DH was diagnosed 1 1/2 years ago with Alz. Early to mid stage 5 is my best guess. He is still able to care for himself and do small projects and tasks around the house.

Although he doesn't like to talk about it, he is very much aware that he is progressing.

In April we are taking a 2 week trip to Japan to visit my sister. I was born and raised there. This will be my DH's 3rd trip with me to Japan.

I wanted to get a trip in now as I'm not sure how long it will be before such a trip is out of the question.

DH is pretty glued to me these days. Although he's ok with me running an errand now and again with out him. While we're in Japan I would love some alone time with my sister. Just not sure if it will be possible. I'm torn as I don't see my sister often. It's usually years in between visits. I want so much to have an hour or two once of twice while there.

Do you think it would be too much to ask of him if I just told him I'd like some alone time with her?

It would mean he'd stay in the apartment (her place) while her and I go for a walk or cup of coffee or something.

So torn. Don't want to upset him, yet I don't want to pass up an opportunity to visit with my sister alone either.

Is it too selfish of me? I so hate how we all are put in these positions every day and made to feel guilty about time for ourselves.

H1235

The DBAT indicates that someone at stage 5 five needs a memory care level of care. I would think this means 24/7 care with locked doors. The trip will be a lot for him. I would be surprised if you don’t see a worsening of symptoms at least for a few days. Leaving him alone in an apartment in a foreign country seems like a very bad idea. Even if he has never wandered before, with all the confusion this may be the time he starts. What if he decides to use the stove or oven and because of worsening symptoms ends up starting a fire? It goes beyond upsetting him. I think it’s a safety issue. Does your sister know someone who can come and stay with him a few times during the visit? Could someone be hired to stay with him?

harshedbuzz

@shiawase12

This is a tough one. Your wish isn't selfish at all, but it may be unrealistic.

Many folks who make bucket-list trips find that their LO functions at about 1 stage of progression beyond their baseline at home with familiar routines and surroundings. Sometimes new behaviors like wandering or agitation rear their heads for the first time under such circumstances. It's often suggested to travel with a third person in the form of adult child or sibling to provide a safety net in airports and at your destination.

If the goal is revisiting your childhood home, then you may need to accept that sister-time might not be possible. If the goal is reconnecting one on one with your sister, you might have an easier time pulling it off if she could come to you.

HB

Chris20cm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75396/ideas-traveling-and-getting-alone-time

what if you arranged a spa treatment for him so he could be pampered while you spend some time with your sister? You could try one here before you go and see how he likes it. Just thinking outside the box…

trottingalong

Even though your husband may be aware of his failing memory, it does not mean he is capable of making a decision of staying alone while you spend time with your sister. My husband is in a similar stage to yours. I can tell him I’m making a quick trip to the store and he will ask about how long I will be gone. Some days he’s fine, others he will text or call asking me “where’s my honey?” You are taking your husband away from what is familiar on a long plane ride to a foreign country. How he reacts to these changes in just getting there may be your answer to leaving him alone for any length of time. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it.

annie51

Please don’t feel selfish about trying to get alone time with your sister. I craved that when my DH was in the later stages. It is perfectly normal to want that for yourself. We need to remember that we are important too. With that said, I agree with most of the comments here that it might be too big of a risk to leave him alone, but if it’s possible to have a companion stay with him for a bit, you’d be able to feel comfortable leaving him. I think you’ll have to play it by ear and see how he reacts to the trip over. I hope you can make it work.

Timmyd

I don't think it is too much to ask of him. As much I might be inclined otherwise,I am not responsible for DW happiness. However I am responsible for her safety. It is perfectly reasonable to make decisions that on occasion put our own interest above those of PWD and may cause them some distress. However, we always have to make the right decision when it comes to their safety.

shiawase12

Thank you everyone for your insights and guidance. I totally agree that keeping DH safe is the top priority.

The last few days have been challenging and have solidified even more that I need to stay close and keep an eye on him.

I most likely will need to skip alone time with my sister while we're in Japan. I'll do my best to not resent that reality.

Thank you for listening and letting me vent a bit.

M

sandwichone123

It's possible that the travel will leave him so exhausted that you will be able to have some down time while he is resting in the first few days.

JEA

We went on a trip to Hawaii last February. It was an early 30 year anniversary trip. He also was able to mostly do for himself, but I was not leaving him alone anymore (other than quick trips to doctor/store before he woke up. The trip was a disaster. He forgot who I was, one day into the trip and decided he needed to take a bus home. He was unable to comprehend that he couldn't take a bus over the water, so he haphazardly packed a few things back in the suitcase and headed toward the door to catch a bus. I told him I would give him a ride, and headed to the emergency room. I was then a nice lady. We caught a flight home the next morning. It took a couple of weeks for him to come back to "reality", but he has never returned to where he was before then (he goes in and out with recognition, with the afternoons being the worse). If I would have known how things were going to change, I never would have went and would have cherished the time I had.

This is only the second time I have shared on here, but thought I should.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75396/ideas-traveling-and-getting-alone-time

Do not leave him alone in a foreign country. Traveling thus far will be extremely difficult and confusing for him. I don’t think at this stage a trip to Japan is a good idea. The chances of him wandering and getting lost are too high to chance this.

DHteam68

My DH has early Alz. Last year (year 2 after diagnosis) we travelled several times including once solo internationally on a cruise ship and once internationally with 2 friends to help. Based on the challenges that traveling with someone with ALz presented, this year I’ve cancelled all future travel except a simple trip, just a short flight away, with two relatives to help. Fingers crossed I’ve learned enough about how to avoid complications from last year’s experiences. (P.s. We also had flights cancelled & a security breach that emptied the airport along the way- anything can happen, but problems are much harder to solve with a LO with Alz.)

Despite help on one of last year’s trips & my best effort to plan ahead, anticipate problems & be extremely organized, I’m burned out from retirement travel. For example, on one trip we had valuables “lost” in hidden areas in the cruise ship cabin. We didn’t realize it until the ship, now 2 hours away, was about to leave again. Those valuables had to be retrieved that Sunday afternoon! (car keys, credit cards, cash etc.). A lot of tipping was involved to get DH things returned. On another trip DH had trouble going through airport security due to confusion with instructions. The list goes on but I’ll spare you.

I’m glad you are adjusting your expectations and best of luck.