Adamant LO refuses to move!

ALClem

I started to notice the cognitive decline of my mother in 2016, she blamed her issues on taking care of my step dad & his declining health. He passed 5 months later. She lived in their home until the pandemic was over & then moved closer to me, my sister is out of state. When she moved, she refused to look at any independent living that was tied to another level of care and settled into a 55+ apartment. I started going to Dr. appointments & brought up the decline. It took me 2 years to convince the Dr. there was an issue. In 2 years since the diagnosis, there has been a huge decline. We hired a caregiver to try to slow the decline by providing companionship, a walking partner and to engage her in other activities. It was a failure from the start. Mom was never accepting of her diagnosis, there is nothing wrong with her and she does not need any help. Her neuro said it was time for AL/MC and she is ADAMANT she is not moving. Of course with this disease, there is no convincing her. I researched places, looking for something that would be assisted, have MC & LTC that is very similar to where she lives now to make the transition smoother & have found a wonderful place. Wondering if her perception of these places is skewed from her own parents and grandparents situations and how far places have come, I took her for a quick tour. It did not end well.

I don't take her words to heart, this is no longer the mother I knew. She only has my sister and I but I am taking the brunt of it being close. Photo albums disappeared a few months back, we believe she may have thrown them away out of spite. Not the first of precious items she discarded.

I am reaching out to her neuro for suggestions, but thought I would reach out here too. Maybe sharing our story will help someone else or your comments could as well.

Also, if anyone else is in this boat…my mother, her mother and my bio father's mother, all had this disease. I fear for myself, my sister & my children, as well as everyone else on this earth as numbers rise.

jgreen

Hi @ALClem

Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. Your Mom is lucky to have you looking out for her.

First - One early symptom is called anosognosia - the inability to recognize or undersatand her mental decline. There is no arguing with her, reasoning with her, or explaining things to her. Sorry to be so blunt. Best advice is do your best to get into her reality and then see if you can manuver the conversation to where you want to go. Her ‘reasoner is broken’

Next - since you are the closest to her, you need to become her durable power of attorney and healthcare surrogate. Find an Elder Care Attorney and meet with them alone to go over your situation. They are best to advise you and help protect your Mom’s assets until a move. Then tell your Mom that it would be good for her to get her affairs in order so her wishes are followed in case something happens to her. She might appoint you or she may appoint your sister. Talk with the attorney to see what approach they recommend. You cannot wait - if your Mom deteriorates to a point where she is no longer capable of understanding the paperwork and why she should sign, then it will be an expensive and possibly contentious court battle for guardianship. Once you have power of attorney, then you will be in a better position to move her to a more appropriate setting for her safety and care.

I will stop here as this is a lot to digest. I am sure others will chime in with other advice and suggestions.

You are in my prayers along with all my dear friends here. God bless you and your family. Stay strong! Come back and let us know how you are doing.

H1235

Welcome. You have been given excellent advice. I will also attach a few resources just in case you haven’t seen them yet. As others have said trying to convince her to move is a losing battle. I wouldn’t be surprised if her resistance is primarily because if the anosognosia. I took mom on a tour (at my brothers insistence) and it did not go well. Like your mom and many with dementia she felt there was nothing wrong with her and she didn’t belong in that kind of place. I finally met with the Al, signed all the paperwork and then told mom that she was moving (NO Discussion). As you can imagine she was very very mad. Thankfully she didn’t refuse to get in the car when the time came. The doctor has her on medication to help with the anger and that has helped a lot (but it took a long time to get the right medication and dose). Having her so angry with me was incredibly difficult, but my priority had to be her safety. The move itself is a whole other discussion. I hope something here was helpful.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

ALClem

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266390#Comment_266390

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. I had not heard this term before today and it sounds to be exactly what her issue is.

We do have all of the appropriate legal documents, her affairs are in order & fortunately no assets to deal with. This part I feel good about and accomplished. Now to figure out a plan to get her moved, it would be so much easier if she weren't so resistant. She always told us when she gets old, just to stick her in a home, she didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

Finding this group is a blessing. The discussions, so helpful!

ALClem

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266393#Comment_266393

Thank you for these links. I appreciate your insight and also you sharing your experiences. This gives me hope that if we can push back maybe she'll just go. The doctor mentioned medication for my mom at her last appointment as well. She really gave him an earful on that! She's been pretty aggressive with me as she feels this is all my fault and I am the problem. However she's been rude and curt with the caregiver, as well as her friends. They are constantly reaching out to me, so it has become clear that we need to do something. My grandmother was not pleasant with this disease either.

I know the move will be hard but just as you did, I know it is the right thing to do for her.

Thank you for being here, I appreciate your comment!

SDianeL

Welcome. Here are a couple of additional resources that will help you: Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which gives tips on caregiving. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are very helpful. Losing things is very common with dementia. Your Mom may have thrown things away thinking she was putting them away. My DH did that. Pictures, wallet, glasses, hearing aids. The MC facility saw the pictures and put them in a shadow box outside his door. Anything that is important you should put somewhere for safe keeping. Your Mom will never agree to move. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Don’t discuss it with her anymore. You need to make the decision to keep her safe. She needs to be in memory care which has 24/7 care in a locked environment to prevent wandering. AL is not secure. If you move her to AL you will be moving her again maybe sooner than later.

Michele P

Talk to the social worker at the memory care facility for suggestions on how to get your mother to the facility. I agree with others that medication is needed to make her compliant. Your mother needs a memory care facility that is secure. Lock up everything of value. She has no idea that items are being hidden or thrown out. This is the disease, not spiteful behavior.