Venting - In Law refuse to move into Memory Care

AMHorridge

Three years ago, we added a 600 sq ft apartment to the back of our house for my in-laws.

My MIL had started wandering and going to neighbors’ houses saying there was a strange man in her house. (It was my FIL).

They sold their house to help pay for the addition to our home.

My MIL has advanced AD and is now giving the sitters trouble when they try to help with toileting and bathing. My FIL has some form of dementia/Parkinson’s (waiting on test results). He is easily irritated and has become very OCD with ADLs. We now pay sitters 24/7.

We would like to place them in memory care which would make the money they have go further and give him more space/help with my MIL.

FIL refuses to even look at facilities. He would prefer 24/7 sitters and running out of money for caretaking. He thinks we should bear the burden of the sitters when his money runs out. Unfortunately, we aren’t even in our 60’s yet and us paying for their care would leave nothing for us when we retire. I have a full-time job, and my husband is on disability due to health problems caused by COVID and Chemo.

I feel like my husband is resenting his dad increasingly every day.

Neither one of them can hear what the other is saying. Both are very hardheaded and think everything should be done their way.

I try to help but my suggestions are always met with “I already know what he’s going to say/do”

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75408/venting-in-law-refuse-to-move-into-memory-care

Whoever holds to DPOA makes the decisions. If it is not you or your husband, there isn’t much you can do. You could try speaking to an Elder Law attorney. If they are both not competent, you might have another option. I know it would involve hiring an attorney and going in front of a judge.

AMHorridge

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/266440#Comment_266440

My husband has DPOA. He would prefer his dad go willing.

H1235

Welcome. You’re in a tough spot. I can imagine you want to respect the decision he makes regarding his parents, but putting your retirement in jeopardy is not something to take a back seat to. When/if you find yourselves needing care in your old age you don’t want that burden passed on to your children because you spent too much on their care. Unfortunately if dementia is involved he is probably not going to willingly. In my opinion your husband is making things harder on himself by trying to hold out some hope that fil will eventually agree. He is the one that needs to accept the reality of the situation, because your fil never will. No judgement, it’s hard to get to that point. Maybe if your fil is diagnosed that will help your husband understand that he needs to take action without fils approval. Expecting you and your husband to pay for their care shows both a lack of reasoning and a lack of empathy. Both symptoms of dementia. The inability the recognize their own symptoms or limitations is another difficult symptom you are probably dealing with. My mom did not want to move to a facility. She was very angry. There was some effort made to convince her of the necessity, but it was useless. I made all the arrangements and told her she was moving, period. There was some fowl language (mom never swore before dementia) and weeks(maybe even months) of her barely speaking to me. It was rough. Eventually her doctor got her on some medication to help her with her anger and depression and that has helped a lot. But even now she doesn’t thinks she belongs in a facility and blames me. Most visits go well, but every now and then she can get pretty snippy with me.

SDianeL

explain to your husband that his Dad has Anosognosia. Which is a neurological condition causing a complete lack of insight or awareness into one’s own physical or mental illness, often due to brain damage from schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or dementia. It is not merely denial, but a physiological inability to perceive impairment. Symptoms include rigid belief that one is healthy, medication refusal. Also explain that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. If he will, have him read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which will help him understand dementia.

SDianeL

Which he will never do. Time to do what’s best and safest for them and for your future.

Quilting brings calm

As others have said, you can’t pay for his parents because then who would pay for you? I said those very words when the subject of paying for my parents came up. However I do see one problem about finances here. If his parents ever need to go on institutional Medicaid, there is a five year look back. They will find out that his parents sold the house and Medicaid will want to know if they ‘gave’ it to their son to build that addition. They might tell his parents that they will not pay for their care until that money is returned. I suggest calling a certified elder care lawyer to determine your options.

TLeigh

If your in-laws were able to recognize they need help, they would be trying to bankrupt you financially and emotionally. The reason your husband has DPOA is because his parents trusted he could make the appropriate decisions when the time came. And if they were able to make the right decision now, they would go willingly. But they obviously are not able to do so. It’s not locking them away, choosing a memory care facility is an act of love… providing them with skilled care in a safe environment. It’s very difficult to have to become the parent of your parents. As for your FIL refusing to go, he may be scared of loosing control, scared of the unknown, not able to process what’s happening or why. Outburst and behavior issues are a form of communication, you just have to try and figure out what they are trying to express. Have him visit places with you, assure him you are not abandoning him, and that you need him to go so he can make sure MIL is cared for ( being needed). Wishing you luck and love.

Victoriaredux

I agree the in-law paid home improvement could cause problems with both medicaid and if you go before a judge . I suggest you get expert legal and tax advise. Maybe if they are placed you can rent out the unit at fair market and that income can help with their expenses. The CPA/lawyer may also want an appraisal of what the unit added to your home's market value.

Hopefully the unit has utilities that can "fail" and then you can take them to MC while it is "being repaired."

I wouldn't take them on tours hoping a place will appeal to them . They won't understand and just get more resistant.