I feel guilty/bad daughter

thaley59

My mom is 90 with symptoms just beginning (she being in denial). I try verrry hard to remember it is the illness but have difficulty sometimes. How has anybody else dealt with feelings of guilt and/or being a bad child. I want the rest of her years to be peaceful, but she is like a child and makes it difficult to reason with her when it is necessary. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc. would be greatly appreciated. :-)

H1235

Welcome. It is definitely tough. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It can cause so many problems. Insisting they can do things they can’t, can be a safety issue. Mom would want to buy a bunch of things for projects she couldn’t do. She still insists she should be sorting through the things in her house and says I have no right to go through her things. It’s awful. Trying to reason with a person with dementia is not going to work. Their brain is just not capable. I think it took a bit for this to truly sink in before I got to a point of acceptance. There are a few approaches that may work to avoid problems. First, if it really doesn’t matter and she is not going to hurt herself, let it go/ just go along with it. Second, divert her attention or change the subject. Offer a cookie or treat. Third do what needs to be done without consulting her or even telling her what is happening. Last use a therapeutic fib. If she wants to drive tell her the car isn’t running. This requires some creativity and some people feel uncomfortable with the dishonesty, but I think it’s worth it if it keeps our loved one from becoming upset. I guess I could add, to avoid bringing up anything in casual conversation that may be a sore subject. I would NEVER mention moms house to her. That would be asking for trouble. I have also accepted that I am always wrong. If she claims I never told her about an appointment (even though I did) I just apologize, knowing she will never believe me if I said I had talked with her about it the day before. It takes a while to get used to this. If her agitation becomes too much there is medication that can help. It may take a while to figure out dose and best kind, but it can make a big difference.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

SDianeL

welcome. What H1235 said. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. So don’t try. Don’t argue with someone with dementia. Get in their reality. Redirect or distract. Yes they are like a child. You are now their parent. Your relationship has changed. It helped me to think of my DH as my patient and me his nurse. We were no longer partners. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are very helpful. Come back often for info, support or to vent. We understand what you’re going through. 💜