Don’t want to be a caregiver

Zeitgeist

My mother is 72 and she moved away from us after we encouraged her to see a neurologist and psychiatrist for mental health problems, persecutory delusions, and hallucinations she was experiencing.

My husband and I both work full time very demanding jobs, we have young kids and pets. It’s a 6-7 hour drive now to my mom, but between 3 dogs, kids with sports and tons of extracurriculars, and us both working 60 hour work weeks with long commutes, we have not gone down more than 2x a year and it is always an exhausting pain in the butt.

To be perfectly honest, I have a bad relationship with my mom and have never enjoyed spending time with her.

Around September I heard from a neighbor she was having memory issues. She moved into a retirement home only to abruptly move out right at new years and back to living home alone. She is a mess. She really needs to be back in a retirement home if not full on assisted living. She won’t consider paying for a nurse or social worker to come even a few times a week to check on her, she just sleeps and watches tv all day. She has nothing going on but insists she won’t move back to the retirement home. She is set that she will move very close to us and I will take care of her. Both my husband and I are planning for a career step up and very likely going to move in the next 2 years. She says she will follow us.

Seeing everyone’s stories on here, I know I sound like a stone cold bitch, but when did I sign up to be a full on care taker for a woman who I have never been close to, who emotionally abused me through my teenage years, who I was estranged from for a decade, who has stolen money from me and never helped with the kids, and now all the sudden she is scared and she wants us to be full time caretakers. I have zero time to even get myself a haircut or a massage let alone to care for another human being. She does not want to use her own money to help herself and right now is playing a game of chicken hoping I will step in and take on the cost of her assisted living - which I won’t. She actually suggested I use the college fund for my kids to pay for her and then ask my dad to pay for my kids college.

Let me tell you my husband and I have worked hard to build what we have with zero family support, not so much as let me cover a summer camp or bday party for the kids- no one is going to pay for my kids to do anything.

I don’t know what to say other than to vent…

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry you are going through this with your Mom. Not everyone is willing or able to be a caregiver. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. No judgement here. We understand.. Without a DPOA there isn’t much you can do. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Arguing does no good. She has Anosognosia which is a neurological condition causing a complete lack of insight or awareness into one’s own physical or mental illness, often due to dementia. It is not merely denial, but a physiological inability to perceive impairment. Symptoms include rigid belief that one is healthy & medication refusal. The only option you have is to contact Adult Protective Services & see if they can help. Another option is see an Elder Care Attorney about Guardianship. You have to petition the court and show that she is incompetent. Once you have Guardianship you can place her in care. The Elder Care Attorney can also advise on Medicaid and trusts to pay for her care. Guardianship is pretty expensive so ask that if you call. I would also ask the attorney about your obligations to care for your Mom. Come here often for support or to vent.

pamu

You are definitely NOT a stone cold bitch. It's very difficult caring for someone who you've had a difficult relationship with. My mom has been in MC for 5 months and tells me she wants to leave and that I could "do more" to get her out. She's implying that I take her to my house or help pay for an apartment (which would need to meet her out of touch standards). I, like you, have kids at home, husband and a full time job. If you told me it would be for 3 weeks I could do it but I cannot give up my job or what's left of my marbles. This has been a long road…. 8 years so far. I can no longer put my mom's needs/wants/whims/delusions before my own family. Have you considered getting guardianship so she can be placed? Do you have DPOA? If you haven't already contact her state's (or yours) Dept of Aging or Adult Protective Services to find out what resources they offer. Wishing you the best.

MissOldMom

as someone who had a mom as my bff for most of my life, believe me…it was a shock and a BIG regret moving my mom in with us. I shouldn’t have done it. She’s not the mom I knew and has major attitude due to her reasoner being broken. While that is NOT her fault, it’s no ones. Not mine either. The guilt I felt and still feel from time to time about how I hate doing this (and my hubby and I work full time…he is at least work from home) is something I have to check and recheck often. I read somewhere else something I make sure I remind myself about daily…you can’t make them happy anymore. Keep them clean. Make them comfortable. Give them their dignity. That’s it. Not responsible for moving them into your home, life, personal space and time.

I’ve already told my 4 kids…all adults now…they will NOT move me in with them if this happens to me. I know my kids. There is no way they’d do well with it. I wish I’d known I wouldn’t have loved this. I hate it.

Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone at all.

H1235

Welcome. First of all no judgement! If you have a DPOA, I would just do what needs to be done (get her into a care facility). Don’t worry about the anger and unreasonable expectations she may have. I realize this is easier said than done. It is a lot of work to make that happen. But after that things should calm down and be a lot easier. If you don’t have the DPOA, as others have suggested you can file for guardianship. If this is not something you want to take on, I believe you can ask the court to appoint one. The courts are often reluctant to take someone’s rights away and I’ve heard it can be difficult to prove the need. The other option mentioned is to call adult protective services. I believe you may run into the same problem here. They are not going to want to do anything unless it is really bad. The last option might be to just wait for something to happen. Of course this could end very badly. If she is taken to the hospital ask for a psychiatric evaluation and talk with hospital social worker to find a solution. Dementia causes a lack of empathy and in ability to plan and reason. Anosognosia is also common and is the inability to recognize symptoms or limitations. With a parent that has alway been difficult it can be hard to distinguish what is dementia and what is just a demanding, stubborn, pain in the but parent. If she is still driving you can report her. In my state it’s a simple on line form, but who knows if they will actually do anything. Then you have to deal with how she is going to get food. I eventually determined there are often no good options. There is no “right” answer. It’s my understanding that some states do have filial responsibility laws, but I really don’t know what that involves. This might be worth looking into. I hope you can figure something out.

terei

Realistically, does she have the capability to actually move closer to you? Likely not. I would just answer these comments with an ‘uh huh’. I would not even engage with her about these subjects.

If you have concerns about her welfare, contact her county adult protective services to call on her.

I can only say what I would do in the same circumstances, which is to keep your distance + if you do move, she does not have to know where you are. Some people may think I am harsh, but in your shoes I would not have any inclination to much contact with her, let alone consider doing any hands on caretaking.

I was very very close with my own mom, but never considered having her live with me. She was in AL and then MC at the point I felt that she was no longer safe to live alone. I know my limitations and 24/7 caretaking would not have been something I was willing or able to take on.

aleet28

A lot of things you said resonated with me. But the one thing that hit me the hardest, was "when did I sign up to be a full time caretaker?" Thank you for saying this part out loud. I've felt so guilty for feeling this way!

lilacgirl

Not a stone-cold bitch!!!! I have been caregiving from afar for my mom since my father died in December; she is in early to mid stages of dementia/Alz, and we have always had a great relationship up until now. I just spent a week with her and I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Caregiving for a parent with dementia is not something most people are cut out for — I know for sure now that I am not!!! I have been very firm about not allowing her to move in with us, although she has frequently "joked" about it. I don't know what our solution is going to be, but that's one thing I know I cannot do.