Mom doesn’t want to see me in MC

Anonymousjpl123 · February 22

anyone ever dealt with this? My mom doesn’t want to see me. Like pushes me away and says “exit exit exit.” She won’t talk to me. It’s relatively new but definitely tied to her decline. What can I do? I don’t want to just leave, but don’t want to upset her either. Any advice?

sandwichone123 · February 22

I'd go, and maybe try again in a week. Sometimes people associate close family members with their loss of independence, so it may be a while before she adjusts/declines enough to enjoy your company again.

psg712 · February 22

Wow that is new. Not sure what to do except maybe take a break as sandwichone suggests.

You never know what you're going to find when you visit. One day this week when i visited my mom, she kept laying her head on the table. She laughed in a sarcastic tone at anything I said. When I asked what she was laughing at, she looked at me with a scowl and said "YOU". I figured that was my cue to go.

A few days later she was back to her pleasantly befuddled self and allowed me to scrub, trim and file her nails with no resistance. No rhyme or reason for the changes, just the bizarre world of dementia. I'm grateful for the peaceful times. Two weeks ago she was in the ER tearing her clothes off … turned out she had a raging yeast infection. Can we say too many antibiotics?

Quilting brings calm · February 22

Take a break from visits. Just touch base with the nurse or social worker for a few days. Your mom will probably calm down in a few days.

jen ht · February 22

Oh @Anonymousjpl123 That's hard. How are you holding up? So true was psg says about never knowing what we'll find when we arrive there for a visit.

Sometimes with dad I do just leave. When it seems like I am somehow setting him off that day, I just cut it short and head out.

Thinking of you 💜

jht

SDianeL · February 23

try going at meal time so she’s distracted. Don’t stay more than an hour. Slip out without saying goodbye. Get the nurse to give her a treat.

harshedbuzz · February 23

I found visits with my challenging dad went best if I didn't arrive empty-handed. She might be more welcoming if you brought some sort of sweet treat as a peace offering. I agree that keeping visits shorter is best.

If your visits are triggering, and this isn't unheard of (one former poster couldn't visit their SO for almost a year), you could ask to observe her through a window or doorway while engaged in a meal or activity. Another option is to try bringing someone around whom she'll showtime with you.

HB

Anonymousjpl123 · February 28

You all rock. I mean it…here in one sentence you get what friends who love me and know me don’t.

So…back from work trip and heading there now. First time since Sunday.

CUrrent plan:

bring treats (which she has in her fridge and I give her because she doesn’t know they are there), but really high value ones. Fried chicken, coffee, sweets. Hard because she doesn’t like food anymore.

Be ready to leave sooner than I want to

don’t take it personally

New tip (hospice social worker called to see how I was this week and I told her what happened): my mom is entering later stages. She doesn’t know context and may not even know who I am. She will be immobile soon. If she’s hostile, remember everything to her is moments - the present. Leave, sit in the sun for 10 minutes, try again.

@jen ht
So true it sucks but that’s what I’ve got to do

@sandwichone123 yep - I think that’s what it is.

@psg712 It was new and so so hard. But when your mom said “YOU!” I laughed. Geez.

@Quilting brings calm heres hoping. We’ll see what today brings.

@SDianeL yes staff hate to see it. But they understand. Last time I was so caught off guard and upset but that’s a good idea

@harshedbuzz hopefully my snacks help.

Honestly every single one of your comments hit home. ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymousjpl123 · February 28

verdict: treats were the answer! She was slow to recognize me, smiled when she saw me, and when I brought out 10 buffalo wings she polished them off!!! And the desert!