Driving

Lgb35

DH is 62 and has FTD semantic variant. I unfortunately had to turn him in to the DMV. He doesn’t know it was me. He had his evaluation Friday and they suspended his license. He is angry and doesn’t feel he is far enough in that he is unsafe to drive. He drives a lot for work so I am not sure what his plans are for that.

The test had a section with pictures of street signs and there were 3 choices of what to do next to each one. He had to choose the right answer. He was allowed to miss 2 of the questions. He missed 4. Today he didn’t even remember there were pictures.
He is in the bargaining phase right now hoping someone will allow him to get his license back. It’s not happening. I am scheduling him for a driving evaluation at a brain rehab center just so he can feel like he had a good evaluation.

I am concerned he will just drive anyway without a license because he just doesn’t understand the potential consequences for me. He says he doesn’t care about possible consequences.
He is going to make me be the one to hide the keys or sell his truck.
he goes off to his family saying how unfair this is and of course in a casual conversation it’s not obvious he has an issue.

I just want to tell them all as they are defending his right to drive that he brushed his teeth with Vaseline and he mows his face in the shower or he rakes the snow in the driveway. So many issues they don’t see.

Belle60

Driving was one of the hardest things for my husband. My DH dr is the one that took away his driving privileges then turned him in to the DMV too. He could not pass the written test. He could have up to three tries but I just let it go because he really doesn't remember that he has to take a test or that his license is suspended. Even now two years later, he stills get angry about and has outbursts. I hide the keys. When he gets all upset about I just try to not engage until he is over it. He blames me and has been verbally aggressive towards me about but not physically. I like having the truck around in case I need it but will most likely move it to another location so it can be out of sight and hopefully out of mind.

????

You did the right thing. My wife gave up her driving on her own. She drove through a red light one day, I was not with her, the next day she told me and said she thought she should give up driving. She misses her independence, but has not tried to drive. I am involved with the local ALZ support group. This is a big issue for many. Hang in there.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75424/driving

You did the right thing. If he gets on an accident, you will get sued for everything you own. Your insurance company will not cover the accident. His reasoning is broken, and he will never accept this diagnosis. Since he is still working, I would be investigating a medical leave and finding an SSDI attorney. He will not be able to work much longer.

Quilting brings calm

Yes you did the right thing. Keep the keys on you at all times. There are small lock boxes you can buy at office supply stores if you need to.
It’s no picnic trying to protect them ( and you) from themselves on top of being the caregiver. Just adding insult to injury as they say.

blacksparky

I agree with all the advice given to you. All I can add is if it was me I would sell the truck unless you use it weekly or more. If keeping it for occasions you might need it, you can rent a truck. This would save you in insurance money and more importantly a chance your DH gets ahold of the keys and drives it.

SDianeL

as his caregiver you’re responsibility is to keep him safe not make him happy. I would not take him to another evaluation. Hide the keys, disable or move the vehicle and tell him it’s in the shop. He should no longer be working. I would call the company Human Resources if they have one and explain the situation. He can file for disability. Otherwise he could be fired and lose benefits. He will never understand or agree to these things. You should take control to protect him and others. Sorry you are having to go through this. Many here have been where you are.

M5M

As Diane and others above have said, he is in a very vulnerable situation. Is he truly still working? If he is driving at work, he can be fired for an accident. It is also quite possible the quality of his work is suffering, and that could be another cause for termination. Your goal should be to have him exit work with benefits/retirement and dignity. I would proceed VERY QUICKLY to a worker's compensation doctor or attorney who can tell you how to handle the situation, and THEN you can involve people at work. If you would want to apply for disability, that process is long and of course challenging. You need to be sure you understand your options before you start, educate yourself before proceeding. By the way, you do not need to involve DH in all this process until you have a plan of action.

Victoriaredux

"He drives a lot for work so I am not sure what his plans are for that. "

Because of his condition he won't have or be able to create a plan for not having a license. If you knowingly allow him to drive unlicensed and there is an accident while he is on the clock for his employer they may come after your assets if it's a bad accident.

Have you talked to an elder law attorney or disability lawyer to save as many benefits as you can since he is under 65 and Medicare is a 2 year waiting period ?

If his company offers FML, short term disability,etc you want to hold on to those option BEFORE they fire /separate from him for cause. HR is not your friend in this process. If he is terminated - they save money and he isn't likely to recover so saving money and time on his acct is their goal.

Please talk to an expert ASAP how to maximize what benefits you can ; believe me - an experienced employer has their lawyer on speed dial to save them money.

Waiting for a new driving test to try to convince him there is an issue is pointless. He probably will never accept that he shouldn't drive and the next day may deny he ever was re-tested.

"He is going to make me be the one to hide the keys or sell his truck. " His disease is making you the designated hitter. The fickle finger of fate spun the dial and it points at you now. It's lonely, and scary and it totally sucks. But that is Dementia Land spouse hood.

You did the hard part and got his license terminated, now work on maximizing benefits and income . You don't want a termination letter from his employer - when there maybe options to make life better.

Goodlife2025

I echo the advice from Victoriaedux, I worked in HR for many years - they are not your friend in this situation. There are not well established procedures or industry wide accepted processes companies must or will follow when dementia is suspected or diagnosed. You are as likely to talk with an HR person that will understand the implications to you and your loved one as you are to talk with your local grocery clerk and have them understand. Please get advice on any benefits you can tap into before they are terminated. In the end the HR staff are there to safe guard the company not the employee.