Slowly learning: don't argue, don't say no, don't correct, ETC.

ElaineD

So we've been on this journey with familial VD for over 7 years. Recently (last week!), I finally realized that 'arguing' with DH only upsets him and doesn't change him at all, BUT it makes ME feel terrible and guilty and wastes my energy.

For MY MENTAL HEALTH I have to use the techniques endorsed by so many dementia experts (I've read the books, watched the Youtube videos, they are wonderful). I make my self miserable getting upset when he asks the same question every 10 minutes, when he tells a story all wrong, when once again he's tuned into a channel we don't subscribe to which triggers an automatic $10-$15 subscription (fortunately I get an email and cancel, but the first payment is my responsibility). He goes to bed at 9 pm and is up at 8:30 am, gets our breakfast at the buffet in our retirement community and then naps for 2 hours! He often naps in the afternoons, too. Our entire life, and his fabulous career as a biomedical research scientist, our own family, grandchildren and great grandchildren are all a closed book to him. Tho' he sometimes tells imaginary stories about all of that. IT only makes ME miserable if I let it bother me.

I don't need to correct the 'information' he shares when we have dinner in our community. other people are not taking notes, and don't care what he says. He's 6'2" and very good looking, most people have no idea about his memory issues (some do by this time) and everyone is just idly chatting so it isn't important what he says. I have to let it all go for my own sanity.

I am completely disabled with my serious health problems. 3 days in hospital last week) and I am in pain most of the time.vI am dependent on DH who does the laundry and helps me often! I know I AM frightened of the future and what hisfurther decline into dementia will mean for us. But I am really trying to change my own behavior and mindset. Fortunately I have a therapist I see weekly since 2013 (and Zoom since the COVID Lockdown).

ElaineD

jgreen

Hi @ElaineD

It sounds like you are doing good with the mental health aspect of caregiving. Good for you!

Does your ‘community’ have different levels of care in case you or your DH suddenly needs 24 hour round the clock monitoring? You are correct in thinking that your days of depending on your loved one with dementia are limited. So you need to make sure you have a ‘Plan B’ for both of you. If something happens to him, you need to have a plan to make sure he is cared for. And if something happens to you where you will be out of commission, not only do you need to know how DH will be cared for but also how you will be cared for.

Victoriaredux

ElaineD-

I was just thinking about you. Yup, just ignore the stories his brain creates. Some people don't have dementia and tell tall tales . At least you don't have to parse his for reality.

I remember you said you had some years of LTC coverage - maybe just pull that lever now - get the help now and lessen the stress. Unused time is wasted premium money.

Can you remove PAY button on your cable set-up—maybe quietly code his login to a "child" setting so he can't sign you up for "Goat herding in Brazil"?

Sending you best wishes .