Trouble diverting from calling his mother

iowagirl1961

My 74 yr old DH often wants to call his mother who passed away 15 years ago. (He is in early Stage 6). I’ve tried the suggestions I have searched for here- ice cream, tasks, walk, going for a drive (actually being in the car is where his questions can be the worst). He gets so locked in on wanting to call his mother and even when I break the cardinal rule of not telling him his mother passed away, he gets angry if I don’t arrange a call. Any suggestions other than those we’ve all read already?

jfkoc

ask a friend if they will be his mother for a phone call…

jsps139_

My DH tells me he wants to go home to his Mom and Dad every morning. I tell him his Mom died 20 years ago and his dad died 40 years ago. I quickly add that my parents have passed away as well as our sister-in-laws parents. Then I say … we were all so fortunate to have wonderful parents. I bring up things I remember about his Mom and he smiles. As long as I end with nice stories about our parents, he is fine. Then I talk about our plans for the day, and he forgets about his parents (until tomorrow morning). I used to try to go along with him … that his parents were alive …and it turned into a confusing mess for both of us.

SDianeL

Many have tried fibs She’s out of town, on vacation, at church, at the doctor, or whatever might work and that we’ll call her later. It’s a tough one.

SDianeL

Found this online:

Whe a person with dementia asks to call their deceased mother, they are often seeking comfort, safety, or nurturing. Validate their feelings by asking about their mom ("What was her best meal?""What color was her hair?") rather than immediately stating she has passed, which can cause fresh, repetitive grief. 

2Effective Strategies

• Validate and Redirect: Say"You're thinking about your mom? She was a wonderful person" then gently transition to"I remember you saying she made the best pies. Let's have a snack" or "Tell me a favorite story about her".

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267152#Comment_267152

It would be an act of charity to simple tell your LO that Mom and Dad are out for the day. Every time you tell him that they have died, he has to completely relive the pain of their death. For your LO with dementia, each time they are told about their death is the first time. Most of us were raised with the idea that lying is bad and it is, but with dementia, it becomes necessary in order to be kind…and even at times to keep them safe. It's a long journey here for all of us and we do the best that we can.

BPS

My wife frequently asks if her mom died. She died about a year and a half ago. I give basically the same answer as jsps gives. Yes a long time ago like my mom and dad and her dad and then talk about something else. She doesn't get upset it just helps her move past that thought and on to something else. I think that each case is different and what ever helps stop their anxiety is the right answer. My wife sometimes says her mom came and visited and then I say that was nice and say something else nice about her mom and then talk about something else.

iowagirl1961

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267152#Comment_267152

thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who does give him the honest answers sometimes. It used to be okay to do that but lately he has just refused to believe me. I’ll keep trying and maybe adding on more of the loving memories part will help.

iowagirl1961

Thanks! I’ve been trying the on vacation fib and sometimes he’ll go with it but now he wants to call his sisters- one of which is 88 with dementia also and the other in very poor health. 🙄

iowagirl1961

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/267189#Comment_267189

thank you - that used to work. Now nothing I say works. He is almost in panic mode about it and accepts no amount of love hugs memories or fibs. Diversionary tasks sometimes helps but not always.

annie51

I had similar experiences to some of these posts. When he phrased the question, as “are my parents still alive” I would say no they passed away a long time ago, so they’re up in heaven with my parents, or something along those lines. He didn’t get upset when I said that. But if he phrased it as “where are my parents” or “why don’t we see my parents anymore”, then I’d say something like they went to stay with your sister for a while. If he wanted to call them to talk to them, I would pretend to call his sister and then say there’s no answer so they must be out. I never tried the idea about having someone pose as his mother on the phone, but that’s a great idea.

tonyac2

I bought an old style rotary phone from Amazon and my DH uses that when he wants to call someone. It’s not connected but he’ll spend time turning the dial around and listening with the receiver. I made a list of random phone numbers that he’ll spend time dialing. When he stops fiddling with it, I put it away.