Firsts

howhale

Six months into my grief for the loss of my dear wife and rolling into the new year the changes seem forever and overwhelming. As soon as you think you have completed all the distasteful changes required, another pops up. In trying to encourage friends and family, who are not impacted as directly by a loss, to build memories when you have the chance it caused me to write my thoughts. They are here below because I need a place to share this stuff and perhaps someone my find it useful.

FIRSTS

Life is filled with firsts. So many are special and exciting and memorable. They bring joy and happiness to yourself and others. Many are the ones with keepsakes stored away, photo albums on display, videos in a box. Yes, life provides so very many firsts from the beginning onward. These firsts are the beginning of your circle of life with all the excitement they deserve.

• Births
• Baby’s first tooth
• Baby’s first words, walking, etc.
• Birthdays
• Graduations
• First boyfriend/girlfriend, date, etc.
• Weddings
• Driver License
• Celebrations
• Exploring new adventures
• Vacations
• Trips
• And so many more…

The years go by, exciting things continue to occur for possibly, hopefully, a long time. These firsts are so very special and often immortalized in different ways, only to be recalled much later with fond memories, smiles or even laughter. They become even more important farther around the circle of life.

And then, life creates a change.

One in which new firsts are experienced. These are not ones that put smiles on faces or bring joy. These are not ones in photos or keepsakes. However, these are required and cannot be ignored, nor failed to execute. These firsts come at the other end of that circle of life. They create memories, or more accurately often nightmares, that you never wanted. These firsts are the source of tears, pain, unhappiness, grief, missing someone, loneliness, silence and finality, yes finality, the end. We never sit around and consider that this will happen to many of us, maybe all of us in some form. We do not sit anxiously awaiting these next firsts. It will come and there is nothing to be done to stop it or delay it. The circle of life pauses for no one. So, the caution for all is to be aware, understand there is a beginning and an end about which we have little if any influence or control. We will be obligated to experience many, if not all, of these firsts. They are nonnegotiable. They can be life changing. They can be destructive, crippling, fatal. Some can be forever until the next end point arrives. Some of these firsts are:

• Changing your tax filing after almost 60 years from Married Filing Jointly to Single
• Removing and changing the names on checks, cancelling credit cards
• Waking at each holiday to silence without another face to greet.
• Attending celebrations and having to acknowledge “a seat for one, please”
• Receiving mail, forever it seems, addressed to the one now missing
• Driving to and from alone with no back seat assistance or “how much longer”
• Making preparations for a meal, only to not be sure how to pare it down to one.
• Eating, sleeping, resting alone without a live voice to hear or speak to
• Disconnecting phone, email, Facebook, etc. service
• Making a selection for a house paint color, so you just stay with what it is
• How do you make up one half a bed the first time without tears, the second time, every day, etc.?
• Removing the name from authorized contacts
• And more…

So, here we are. Working our way through this list of firsts. As soon as you feel you are about through the list, another arises. And so it will continue, for a long time, until all the boxes are checked, the changes made, the list completed, maybe. But there is that one first at this end which will not be completed. That is the grief that has embedded itself in you. It will not go away, certainly no time soon, probably never. You may learn how to live with grief, how to fit it into life somewhere, how to accept its’ power over you at unexpected moments, how to accept that this is life’s forever keepsake given to you. But it will always be with you like it or not.

Yes, life is full of firsts, many of which we never consider for, hopefully, a long time. The challenge is to make the most of the part of the life circle you are traveling at any time to enjoy it, cherish it, remember it and memorialize it. You will need those keepsakes later to help balance the firsts yet to come. We cannot change this circle, only try to make the most of it as it moves. The path, the speed, the duration, the highs, the lows and the end we cannot control, but you can influence parts and make memories of many.

LindaLouise

Thank you for this. I so appreciate your way of expressing what we are all encountering. I was thinking about this as I work my way through his first birthday, our anniversary (this month- March 18 - it would have been 48 years…), Valentine's Day with no sweetheart, and ALL the things you mentioned. I was just staring at my tax return for this year - the last one I'll file as "married", since that is allowed for the year in which they passed. Whoever thought I'd feel sentimental about a tax form!

I've been a widow now for almost 6 months. I know that everyone who is married will face this eventually, but it is just so very hard to learn to do life alone. We were together since we were 20, so I've never lived by myself before - my life as I knew it is gone -but I carry on for the sake of our four adult children and 7 dear grands. That feeling of being alone is pervasive. I was at Costco today and seeing older couples discussing purchases together just about does me in…hugs to all of us in this situation. I know I loved our life together but don't think I fully appreciated that comfort and joy in just having your person there to do life with every day. It was all I knew, and now I realize how blessed I was…

Quilting brings calm

I don’t think you should have had to change your tax filing status this time. Your wife was alive part of 2025, so you were able to file married for 2025. Talk to a tax accountant.

Here is what AI said:

File a joint tax return for the year of death, listing the deceased spouse's name and date of death, and write "Deceased" along with the date in the name/address area. You can use the Married Filing Jointly status for that year. If a personal representative is appointed, both must sign; otherwise, you sign as the surviving spouse.

howhale

I did file as Married Filing Jointly this year for the year 2025. However, for income in 2026 I did have to change my tax filing status already to single to ensure proper withholding this year. Making that change was hard. I never wanted to be single.

annie51

This is a very profound and well written post @howhale. I’m only two months in and have had to deal with many new firsts that you listed. Each one causes a reaction, sometimes sadness, sometimes full on waterworks. One first I have not yet experienced is to refer to myself as a widow (out loud), I’m sure that will come in time. Last weekend was my DH’s celebration of life. I chose to focus on the things that made me fall in love with him, his sense of humor, his sense of adventure, his love of people, rather on the sadness of his passing. It was not easy to do but as I scanned through pictures for the slide show and prepared my “speech”, I realized how lucky I was to have had such wonderful marriage and a deep love for 38 years. Some people never experience that true one-ness that comes from marrying your soulmate and I’m so grateful I had that. Now I need to redefine who I am now, not the one-half of a pair that blended into one, but someone who must learn to live life and love life as one person. To honor him and the way he lived, I must do this, as hard as it will be. I think of many of you experiencing stage 8 and pray for all of us that we will find our new selves and be happy again.

Jo124c

This discussion is helpful to me. Thank you Howhale for the list of new 'firsts'…my DH passed in November of 2025 and I have struggled with all those issues. I found a CPA to help with my taxes and to change some of our joint accounts that I have had such a difficult time with—it seems each has different paperwork and new requirements that have left me exhausted. I have done our taxes and taken care of the finances for many years but this time I have been too overwhelmed with my grief and with what seems like endless lists of things to change.

I have been spending lots of time looking at pictures of my DH and remembering our life together. I've begun to remember him before Alz. took so much away and seeing him smiling and all there in photos from years ago. I have been re-reading things he wrote and sitting in his home office with all his things.We were together 53 years and married 50 years.

I hate the loneliness and all the sharp reminders that he wont be coming home as I do things that suddenly remind me of our shared tasks and enjoyments. It can be as simple as folding clothes and I feel him near, or the waking up and realizing I am in bed alone and there will never be another.

howhale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268858#Comment_268858

I am glad you found the post helpful. I understand the loneliness, the painful reminders and all the tasks we ever shared or those she did that I now have to do. I just wish some of would stop. Another piece of junk mail addressed to her yesterday I had to grind up and tears started as I heard the first sound of the shredder. I envy that you are able to enjoy looking at pictures before your DH's illness. I keep trying only to become angry again at her absence. Any picture of her during the illness brings on a flood of tears so I try my best to not look at those but some are inevitable. I wish you all the best as you walk this path without your DH. This site is helpful and I hope you use it as often as needed. I have found it a safe place. Best wishes.

Demikg

Thank you for posting this. I lost my husband of 43 years May'25. My first was the anniversary we no longer had, then of course the holidays, Valentine's Day, his birthday and now coming up his 1yr anniversary of his death. The other first as you listed have come as well as the waterworks - I find myself perfectly OK & then out of the blue, the tears & sadness overwhelm me and I can't explain to anybody why. The loneliness is unbearable - all the things we could share before and now there is nobody but the silence that envelopes us. I have just started going out to places on my own just to get out & always come home lonelier than before as you watch people holding hands, discussions, smiling at each other, whatever - all things that will never be shared again. I don't know how long this pain lasts or if it ever goes away but no one ever teaches us this. One thing I have learned is that death is never easy - whether it comes quick (like with my parents) or is long awaited like with my husband (12 years) - it still leaves us without the resources or abilities to deal with it - that is the only certainty of death - we have to cope without the ability to on our own, regardless of whether there is support, it never satisfies the nights, the mornings, the everyday....I am sorry for all who have to experience this...

CindyBum

My DW was born on April 15th. Two days ago was her first bday without her here. We always laughed about how her bday on tax day helped me remember it. I spent the day in a bit of a haze. My bright light sent me rain for the entire day. The rain made it easier to cry, even though it was kind of lovely to sit by the fire and remember her. We had 20 years of love and so, so many laughs. So very sad and so grateful at the same time. That combo is often quite overwhelming for me.