Husband won't or can't ask for help.

eburley0504

I'm new to the group. Husband recenyly diagnosed with Vascular Dementia.
I get anxiety & frustrated when my spouse is wet / lays on urine soaked bedpad & won't tell me. I'm completely new to this diagnosis.
Suggestions/ recommendations welcomed.

H1235

Welcome. Sorry you need to be here. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. They can become stubborn, angry, resentful and avoid asking for help at all costs, with the firm belief he can manage himself. It’s also possible because of the dementia that he just doesn’t realize he is wet. If he is uncooperative and upset it might be time to talk with his doctor about medication for anxiety or an increase. Does he wear depends. If they are not enough there are heavier overnight one’s available that might work better. Maybe this is something you need to get in the habit of checking every now and then. His brain is not working right and you can’t rely on him to tell you what he needs anymore.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75551/husband-won-039-t-or-can-039-t-ask-for-help

You have gotten good advise. I totally agree that he has no idea what is going on and cannot control the behavior. Depends and a waterproof pad for the bed and any furniture he sits on would help. Relatives of mine with dementia had no idea they were wetting themselves or that their clothes were soiled. Their brains are broken.

Damiross

My wife does not realize she has soiled herself. She fights me every time I try to change her clothes.

I change her in the morning. It seems she is more receptive to changing clothes right after she gets out of bed. It still takes a while to get her changed, though.

Unless she has defecated, I don't push changing her later in the day. Sometimes she is receptive to the change. Most times she is not.

I use both disposable briefs and diapers on her. I've learned to ask her to hold onto the front of the diaper when I put it on her. I think this helps her feel needed.

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry about you husband. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They are very helpful. Definitely ask for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Who is best to prescribe and manage meds for dementia. Meanwhile ask his PCP or Neurologist for a prescription while you wait. Never argue with someone with dementia and you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. The best time to get my DH to do anything was right after breakfast. Take him to the bathroom every 2 hours. Have him sit. There are urine deflectors for the toilet seat and disposable pads for around the toilet. Put water proof pads on chair and bed. As others mentioned get heavy duty depends or diapers with tabs on the side you can easily remove. A bidet is helpful for cleanups. Also wet wipes that require no rinsing. This is a tough one. We know how you feel. 💜

Victoriaredux

Welcome.

FYI - dealing with incontinence is a large factor in placing our loved ones - at some point they may be totally bedridden and lifting is a factor. Not to mention the physicality of cleaning, laundry etc.

So, if you haven't already it would be a good idea to see an elder law attorney soon to discuss medicaid in your state , be sure you have the right up to date documents : DPOA, healthcare proxy , will , possible trust so that you can handle all your finances going forward.

If you haven't updated your papers to name a back up for you , now would be the time. The attorney will be able to see if your husband can still be considered able to sign new documents or if you have to file for conservator ship.