Totally frustrated

Geot

I am at the point I hate to see the evening arrive. My DW every evening here lately it's like a switch has been flipped and I become her father and her husband has left. I tried playing the role as her father to assure her she is safe, but she gets very angry as to why her husband has left for the night and nothing I can say assures her he will be back. When she gets up in the AM she angrily starts asking me where did I go and I assure her I did not go anywhere and was here, but she does not accept that. Later in the day she pretty much calms down and then the whole scenario begins again the next evening. From what others have said here it is not good to just tell her "father and mother is dead"…and I don't want to cause her any more frustration. I seem to be between a rock and a hard place…anyone face this type of thing and if so what have you done?

Thanks for listening

jgreen

Hi @Geot So sorry to read about your troubles. it looks like you are doing all the right things to help with her agitation/anxiety.

So far my DH has not had ‘sundowner’s’ like your DW. I do try to keep him on a routine during the day and get him outside for a bit to get some fresh air and sun. Last year he was hospitalized with a really bad case of the flu. He got terribly agitated with delusions and hallucinations that frightened me! Doctor put him on Depacote and he’s been on it ever since. When reading up on it, I think this drug is why his sundowning is rare - usually when he’s had a break in routine or very busy day. There are side effects to the drug, but at this point in our journey the benefits for both of us outweigh the risks.

https://moradaseniorliving.com/senior-living-blog/depakotes-role-in-calming-agitation-in-alzheimers-disease/

I found some information on the Alz website that might help. If all else fails, you might speak with DWs doctor about some new meds or med adjustment to help relieve both of you.

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/sleep-issues-sundowning

I hope this gives you some options, and pray something works for you. Sending a big hug. 💝

Geot

Thank you jgreen …I will certainly check out the info. Sometimes I feel like just shouting out "I am not your father, and your mother has not been here they are both dead" but of course I don't.

White Crane

Geot, have you talked to your DW's doctor or neurologist about this behavior? They might be able to prescribe something to help. Other than that, you need to "live in her world" if you can even though it's hard. My DH is in MC but he still mistakes me for his sister or mother at times. Sometimes I am his wife one minute and his mother the next. When he asks where dad is, I tell him he is at a conference and will be home in the morning. Sundowning is hard to deal with. I hope her doctor can help with this.

blacksparky

This disease has unfortunately turned me from an honest Abe to Pinocchio. I have to lie to my DW most days just to get her from asking me questions over and over. I’m sure glad my nose doesn’t grow after each lie because it wouldn’t fit in our house. 😩😂

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. She thinks her husband is younger. That’s why she confuses you with her Dad. When I and my daughter would visit my DH in memory care he would think she was me. So we started entering the room separately and introduce ourselves not sure if that will work at home. I would say, “hello honey it’s me, your wife Diane” and she would then come in and introduce herself in a similar way. Some have put framed pictures around to show their loved ones. Also ask her doctor to prescribe something for sundowning and delusions. Also Google tips on helping dementia patients with sundowning.

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268210#Comment_268210

love this 🥴🤣

Geot

Unfortunately, I have a daughter(60) who also has this terrible disease and is in a MC facility. It is much easier with short visits with her and going along with whatever delusions she has than living with it 24/7.

Thanks to all for your support…don't know what I would do without this venue to learn and just vent a little…well maybe alot.

CindyBum

Sometimes I could leave the room for a little, then come back and say, "Hey baby. I'm home." and that would settled her.