Losing me!

JC5

We do so much, give so much, care so much and as a result we lose who we are, who we were! Please I miss me! I miss my belly laughs, I miss my glass full, I miss my friends, family, life, laughter, that joy of each day! How do we reclaim the “me”? I won’t give up on DH nor will I give up on me, but how do I reclaim that person in me that made me me? I miss me!

MaryMN

As they say on airplanes, you need to adjust your own oxygen mask before helping somebody else with theirs. Seeing to your own mental and physical health will also benefit your DH in the long run. Are you able to leave him alone for short periods or is there somebody who would be willing to sit with him for a short time? The joy of going to the grocery store alone or meeting a friend for a quick lunch always leaves me feeling better. I also highly recommend an in-person caregiver support group if there is one available near you. While this site is amazing, human interaction is irreplaceable as our social circles dwindle.

JC5

Tks so much! Needed some affirmation and hope! 😘

Chance Rider

@JC5 thank you for posting this. I sometimes feel guilty for continuing to maintain my sense of “me”. I have a 2 - 3 hour weekly get together with 4 friends. In scheduling my husband’s numerous doctor appointments my Tuesday friends day is non negotiable. So far I’ve always been able to schedule around Tuesdays. My time with these friends helps keep me “me”.

Keep looking for ways to hold onto “you”, you absolutely deserve it. It makes a world of difference for me in caring for my husband.

annie51

This is so important. We all have had those thoughts about losing ourselves, and there should be no guilt involved. Being a long term caregiver is harder than anyone can ever imagine and if you lose yourself in the process, you may not be the best you can be for your LO. The only way I found to get back some of me was to bring in some help when he couldn’t be left alone. Even just a few hours a week is a help - it will be better for both of you.

Jeff H

I had my daughter provide me with some respite for only one hour today so I could run some errands. That one hour was so enjoyable! I didn't have any worries. I felt free. I felt like myself again. You need to find relief for yourself so you can have some down time. Look at in-home care if you can afford it.

RetiredTeacher

JC5, I could have written your post. I felt I was losing my strong, independent, funny, witty, optimistic self. Caregiving wears you down and can skew your view of life. For far too long I didn't realize the importance of prioritizing time for me. I was miserable, short tempered with my DH, ate too much and drank too much to numb my unhappiness. I finally decided my husband is sick but I am not. This disease will take him, I can't change that but I refuse to let it take me too! He is not at the point yet that he can't be left alone. I walk for 30 min most mornings and make sure I get out one afternoon a week for about 3 hours. Today I went to the movies alone and it was a wonderful escape. I highly encourage you to plan time every week out of the house. If your spouse can't be left alone safely, hire someone. I realize it is expensive but losing your health, yourself, your sanity or your life is a far greater cost. You deserve to live and also have some peace and happiness. Hoping you find the strength to save yourself. 🫂 and 🙏

CindyBum

From my experience, you really have to commit to fighting for you, however that looks for you. I had to fight my guilt at leaving my DW with a caregiver, but I finally got a couple of caregivers so I could walk on the beach by myself and run errand for 3-4 hours 4 days a week. I still nearly crumpled with the stress of it all at the end of my DWs battle with this mean disease, but it's the only reason why I feel like I am able to feel gratitude, laugh and feel a commitment to honor the joy, kindness and love my DW spread each day of her life. I know it's also the only reason I know I'll find my way through my grief at her loss now that she's gone.

Please find a way to get some respite. You're worth it!

Doingitalone

Just throwing this out there for people that may not know, if your person is a veteran you should qualify for respite care or a caregiver. I'm fortunate to have this and our daughter and son are very good about staying with their dad when I need some time away. Do I feel guilty? Yes! But I'm so much better for myself and my DH once I've had that mental time off. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Michele P

As others have stated, you need to take care of yourself in order to care for your husband. Look into adult day care programs in your area.Call your local Council for the Aging and ask what services are available. Get prices for in home care. The prices and services that in home care agencies offer varies. Most start between $25-$35 an hour. Adult day care programs run around $100.00 a day. This is all out of pocket unless your husband is a disabled veteran with a high enough rating.

Jacoland

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268326#Comment_268326

I also feel like I’m losing myself. I’m drinking too much. I’m not sleeping enough because of all the phone calls. I am not doing self-care. I’m short with my husband. Thank you for this post is a good reminder to do self-care.

TooYoungForThis64

Before I placed my DH in a facility, the VA provided 3 hrs 3x a week for care & respite. Even if it was only going down to our basement, that brief interlude became precious to me. I'm still struggling to find the old "me" with him out there. Caregiving doesn't stop once they are being cared for by others. Please find a way to take care of you!

White Crane

JC5, There's no doubt that Alzehimer's changes our LO's but it also changes us. Even so, we can and need to hold on to who we are and to be able to experience some freedom and relief from caregiving. For me it took the form of continuing to teach my tai chi classes even though I had to take my DH with me much of the time, maintaining an every other week lunch date with friends, and taking walks outside whenever possible. This was possible because I had some respite care each week from The Area Agency on Aging. You need to take care of your DH and you also need to take care of yourself. Laugh when you can. Try to find some joy in each day. Give yourself a hug. Sing. Go outside. Do whatever you can to relieve the stress of being a caregiver if only for a few minutes.