Venting

TooYoungForThis64

My DH has AD & recently moved into a VA facility. This transition has been so hard - for both of us. He wants to come home, I know I can no longer take care of him, I dread going out to see him b/c my husband is no longer there, just a shell full of confusion. We started looking for a diagnosis when he was 58, only to be told by one neurologist, "I don't want to tell you you have AD, you're too young. But that 'clock' you drew? I wouldn't buy that. It makes no sense at all!" Two years (and one pandemic) later, we finally got a diagnosis from a caring neurologist. For the past 4 yrs I was his only CG. Making the decision to move him was the hardest I've ever done in my life.

Now, after all of that, here's my issue: Does anyone else out there get offended when a genuinely caring person says something to the effect, "Oh, I know just what you're going through! When we had to take Mom to the MC…" or "When I told Dad he could no longer live alone…"? I know they mean well, and maybe "offended" isn't the right word. IMHO, we expect our parents to decline. We anticipate our folks will need care. But I have yet (other than on here) to have anyone say to me, "Oh, I can relate. When my husband was diagnosed…" Don't tell me your parent's (or even grandparents) experience when I'm losing the one person in my life I got to choose. God gave me my parents, my children, etc. I got to choose my life-mate 40 years ago, and here we are, with me watching him fade from me.

We caregivers deal with so much every hour of every day. Everythng from callous doctors, stubborn LO, adult children that don't want to face the reality, to just being sure our LO eats/sleeps/is safe. Rather than tell me your experience with your parents, tell me you've seen this monster and ask what you can do to help.

I know this is petty. But sometimes little things can be like a dripping faucet - enough to drive you crazy.

annie51

I am so sorry for what you’re having to go through so young. I understand what you’re saying and agree that there is a big difference between having the love of your life slowly disappear vs a parent or grandparent. We become one with that person so when your DH is getting taken over by this awful disease, a part of you goes with it. I know people mean well and if they’ve been through it with a parent, they can understand the difficulty in dealing with a person with dementia. They just can’t feel the deep loss we feel. I made friends with a couple of the wives whose husbands were at the same MC as my DH and we meet occasionally for breakfast. Two of us have lost our husbands and one is still a resident there. They are able to truly understand the loss and being able to talk with them is invaluable. This site is also a wealth of understanding!

SDianeL

Losing a spouse is like losing half of yourself. It doesn’t compare to losing a parent. The disease robs us of our past, present and future with our spouse. It’s heartbreaking. We understand how you feel. Unless they have lost a spouse they can never understand. Im sure they mean well. 💜