Processing DH's Dementia Journey and Recent Death

Sweetfire

My DH graduated to heaven recently after seven years of moving through the different stages of Alzheimer's. After living with anticipatory grief, this final ending of our earthly relationship has been very hard on me. He was the center of my world. I spent at least a couple of hours every day for the past year with him at his AFH, loving on him and taking care of his personal needs. He knew and loved me until the end, which was a true gift. Now I feel lost. I am trying to process the last several years of emotional pain and the negative impact all this has had on my already poor health. It's like a bad dream, and when I reread my journals of those years to try to get a handle on it, it can retraumatize me (but it can also remind me of the sweet moments with my beloved).

For me, the grief of my DH's death isn't just the day he died; it encompasses all the pain of the years leading up to that moment. Is this other people's experience? I think I need to hear from others who have walked through a similar journey so I don't feel so alone.

annie51

So sorry for your loss and for what you have been through. My journey was very similar to yours and I can relate to every word you said. My DH and I did EVERYTHING together and had a wonderful relationship, so losing the “physical him” a couple of months ago was very hard, but was an extension of the grief over the loss of his essence for the last several years. As you described, he knew and loved me till the end - and I am so thankful we had that. I reread my journals too, and had the same reaction as you. It was eye opening to see what we went through together but I did record the little joys as well. I found that in those first weeks after he passed, many things made me cry like a baby, but going through photos and writing a “speech” for his celebration of life eventually got me to a point of realizing what adventures we had and what good memories we made together. The pain is still there and will always be there, but the good memories start replacing the bad ones, and you get better at pushing the bad memories out when they appear. My thoughts are with you now, and I hope you’ll find peace as you move forward. Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. 🫂

tonyac2

I’m so sorry for you loss and the pain you’re in. My DH is still with me so I can’t speak to the loss. You mentioned he graduated to heaven. That is a wonderful assurance to have now and in the future. One day you’ll be reunited with him. That blessed hope can take the sting out of death. Prayers and hugs.

jgreen

Prayers and hugs for you, @Sweetfire

SDianeL

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my soulmate in Aug 2024. I miss him so much it hurts but am thankful he’s no longer suffering. There is an organization called Grief Share that has online support groups and in person support groups at local churches. I have not used them personally but have heard good things about them. I made a list of ways to honor my husband. I do them on special dates. That helps me. After 19 months I’m just now able to remember the good times without breaking down in tears. I now have warm wonderful memories of him. Of us. Everyone grieves in their own way on their own time. Take the time you need. “Grief is the price we pay for love” 💜

howhale

So sorry for your loss and I can relate very well to what you describe. My dear wife left us last August, 2025 and I am still in deep grieving. I think we all have to find our way forward but I am hopeful it is there for us all to find. Right now, I cannot see it. Every attempt to focus on the good times over our 60 years of being together is lost to the images and memories of her in the last years. There is no telling what will trigger an emotional breakdown. It sure is not logical or predictable. Many have told me that we have to learn how to live a new life, one with our grief still present but not overtaking life as it does now. Your feeling that your grief encompasses all the years of caring for him and losing him bit by bit is truly what I feel. For those early on who expected this would be a more typical grief process, I told them it took almost 10 years of grief I could not express (I was her full time care giver) to accumulate, it will take time to find a new life where it does not control me. Support groups with others who know the truth of our life as caregivers for one with AD for years are very helpful. They understand, they lived it also, they can share experiences they found helpful. The grief we carry as the spouse of one with AD is unique and talking about it with others who understand is very helpful. I wish you the best and success in finding a group in which you can share and find support in real time.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268576#Comment_268576

That list you talk about is a great idea!