Need to whine about moms house

H1235

Mom is a hoarder and her house is full. The house is an hour’s drive away. I have averaged one full 8 hour day a week there for the last three years. I replaced the carpet and sealed and painted the walls in the living room that had cat spray, I dug a path to the water heater and had that replaced and I got all the food out of the house. I have had 2 estate sales with my brother not doing much more than showing up 5 minutes before the sale starts. After some very wise suggestions from people here and from my husband I have finally accepted that I am done trying to do estate sale on my own (it took a while to accept). When the time comes I will call an estate sale company. This has been an huge relief, but everything still needs to be gone through. My grandpa was a woodworker who made some beautiful things, but I never know where I might find something. I would not want personal journals to be gone through by an estate sale company. A single box may contain, lace, buttons, a picture, McDonald’s toys from the 80’s, antique spools of thread, material, my old baby booties, a pen, old newspaper clippings and a journal mom wrote when she was still in high school... There are a few things I may even donate to the local museum. Mom does not want me to touch anything in her house! She complains occasionally that she doesn’t know how we are going to go through the things in her house if I don’t take her there so she can sort through things and decide where she want’s everything to go. I think in her mind at least half her treasures would be passed down to the next generation. I tried to bring her there earlier on, but it was a disaster. She wouldn’t let me do anything and would pull things out of the trash. She doesn’t know what I’m doing at the house. All the insulation in the attic has fallen down and should probably be replaced. But you can’t even get to it there is just so much stuff! I have gathered material from all over the house and boxed it up as I go. I think there are close to 40 totes of material. Ironically I found a little plaque that says “Whoever dies with the most material wins”. I think she might win. My brother is still working (I’m retired) so thats his excuse for doing nothing to help. He is by far the laziest person I have ever met. We have a lot going on at my home, my husband doesn’t feel comfortable going through moms things and is angry that my brother is doing nothing. He will probably be the one to replace the insulation in the attic when I have made room. My daughter says “I would help, but honestly I would just trash it or bring it to goodwill. I don’t know why anyone would want any of of that stuff.” The fact that she puts absolutely no value on anything, even antique family heirlooms passed down for the last 4 generations or things my grandpa hand made, breaks my heart. She is usually changes the subject if I even mention the hell I'm dealing with at moms house. My 86 yo uncle with no kids also has a very very full house. I am the executor to his estate as well. He lives 2 hours away. At 61 I feel like the rest of my life is going to be spent dealing with estates. I feel so alone. Thanks for letting me whine and wallowing in self pity for a bit, I know this is long.

Quilting brings calm

@H1235 I understand as best I can- although I don’t have hoarding to deal with. We ( spouse and I) had to clean out our son’s furnished apartment upon his death. We had to deal with my mom and step-dads move from apartment to storage, then to AL and finally disbursement after their deaths. We donated most of the furniture to needy people we knew. We had to deal with my sister’s apartment after her death. We live 12 hours from her, so we hauled paperwork and some other things home. Trashed a bunchnof stuff, donated her clothing. The apartment manager called a thrift store after we left to clear out the furniture and everything else we left. Did that in three days.
I’m now dealing with my fourth decedent’s estate in less than three years.

What I’ve learned is that no one wants your stuff after you die. Everyone of a certain age has a houseful of stuff of their own and/or different tastes than you. In addition, we have reached the age where we are physically unable to move a household of furniture ourselves. We had to rely on friends to help move ourselves last year. I will call movers the next time we move. Our remaining son has already let me know he wants nothing from me honestly.

Let your descendants and your brother wander through the house and take what they want. Make it plain to them that whatever they don’t want is going to the sale

Call an area quilt guild and tell them about the material. Ask them if they can help you with a fabric garage sale if you donate a portion to their guild.

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268552#Comment_268552

Thanks for your understanding. My grandparents lived through the Great Depression and mom often did without growing up, me too for that mater. Things were never just replaced, they were always fixed and repaired. Family heirlooms were cherished and consider prized possessions that would someday be lovingly passed to the next generation. This is how I was raised, it’s been instilled in me. Times have changed. I need to come to terms with that. It’s just hard.

Victoriaredux

Have you had a consignment dealer look at the larger items and see if they will take some for sale? Clear space . If they don't sell, donate them -out of their shop.

Other firms can run a tag sale at her place . A local realtor can probably give you names of firms .Be sure her insurance is active in case a member of the public falls in the driveway.

Your job isn't to redo her house , just to manage the finances of it for her future upkeep and then pass on the receipts from the sales according to her will/trust.

If you aren't the sole heir allowing items that can have a current marketable value you shouldn't gift anything . Last thing you want is a fight over egg cups or that sketch that was a "genuine Rockwell".

A friend from Europe said that antique furniture- the lovely curved french pieces with inlaid wood is so out of fashion that wood shredders come to the houses when people die and grind them up into sawdust.

Performing this duty is a gift of your time and energy , don't donate your health too.

H1235

There are not many big items left. The upholstered living room furniture was taken to the dump because of the smell. The insurance is active. I had to get special insurance because the home is unoccupied. I’m the DPOA. My brother and I are co executors to the estate and everything is to be split 50/50 between us. He is going to want to get the most possible money he can out of things while doing nothing to help. Dealing with the estate after she is gone is going to be miserable. I half jokingly suggest to my brother we just donate whatever we don’t want and be done with it. He immediately volunteered to just take it all to his house and he would deal with the sale( hes thinking about all the money he can make by selling her stuff) He has no idea how much work is actually involved since he did nothing to help me with the two estate sales we’ve already had. His house is very small and would not hold even a 1/4 of the stuff. There is absolutely no way he would have enough ambition to box it up and haul it to his house. Even if he did take some he would just leave all the junk and I would be back where I started or he would just never take it(claiming he’s busy and he’ll do it next week). At this point I’m just trying to organize things and sort through it all. I’m trying to make things a bit easier when she passes. I did donate an old exercise bike and a few other big things, but I cleaned it with my brother first. I’m also trying to maintain the house and I need to be able to move around in it to do that. Thanks for the reminder about my health.

Victoriaredux

"There is absolutely no way he would have enough ambition to box it up and haul it to his house."

I'd get an estimate by a licensed mover to have the stuff delivered to him and another from a home organizer to go through the place -they are expensive - like 8k a day for a crew of 3 ,and it can take days to sort and then remove junk to trash or donate— and that's what your time is worth .

I'd photo the boxes with family stuff, the images will create the memories in your mind and you'll remember off that - versus having the stuff in your house . If the items do nothing for your daughter - she won't care.

You'll need a realtor at some point, they do know local resources and how to move stuff - getting the one you'd use to sell to give you leads on mover and organizer wouldn't hurt .And advise on what repairs make sense.

Point out to brother as interest rates go up the value of the house will probably fall so trying to make an extra what ~2k on a tag sale versus an extra whatever her money from a house sale would earn in the bank is a false economy. [Check with accountant if capital gains involved- would selling now and getting rid of expenses -insurance, utilities , taxes make sense].

If rodents were in the attic , have a bid to have that replaced professionally - you don't want your husband getting sick . And the realtor may say just discount the price and skip that step if a total redo.

At the end of the day , you'll both have a piece of paper with numbers on it. And you can live your life again. Time with your husband and child[ren] are priceless. The stuff not so much.

And you get to keep the plaque with the saying on it !

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268604#Comment_268604

Thanks. I like the idea of taking photos to remember things. Mom is on Medicaid so the house can’t be sold til she has passed. I just don’t want to wait til then to start sorting through things. My brother and I will eventually end up splitting the costs for the house until it can be sold. I don’t want to spend another 6 months after she has passed getting it ready to sell. I would be shocked if we don’t end up needing to get some kind of arbitrator after mom has passed to help him understand how these things work and that he can’t be expected to do everything just because he works full time.

psg712

Wow H1235. it makes me tired to read what you have been going through with your mom's house. My family had to clear my mom's house and sell it just a few months after we moved her to AL. It was an overwhelming job but perhaps made less emotionally heavy by the fact that we had a tight timeline due to distance, finances, and the need to get the house on the market before winter weather set in.

We ended up hiring someone to help us clear it. It was sad to hear this estate sales person tell us that many of the things that mom cherished were of very low monetary value. Also tough was coming to grips with the fact that we could only take with us what we could fit in our extended cab pickup. So a lot of stuff went into an industrial dumpster or to a charitable organization's thrift store.

This was four years ago and I still have some tubs in my garage with things that have absolutely no value to anyone else ... for example, my grandparents' high school diplomas. My mom currently would not recognize these documents, her brothers barely communicate with me, my sister doesn't want this stuff, and as for future generations...my son never knew my grandparents so these items hold little significance for him.

Qbc, you could probably go into business to help others clear property after a loved one's death. My heart recoils from the thought of having to clear out your son's place. No parent should have to face that.

Victoria, your story about grinding antique furniture into sawdust reminds me of my mother's piano. It was old but held lots of memories for us. Our estate guy said we wouldn't be able to sell it. He was right. My brother in law, a musician, made multiple calls trying to donate it to schools, churches, other organizations. No takers. None of us could haul it hundreds of miles to our homes. We didn't stay to watch, but we know that the estate guys took a sledgehammer to it and the pieces went into the dumpster. We all still feel like criminals for letting that happen.

Quilting brings calm

@psg712

I want no part of clearing out another apartment. It’s going to be bad enough clearing out the home we just moved into when the time comes. And we downsized when we moved here. ( although not nearly enough). I’ve also let it be known that I refuse to be the administrator/executor again for anyone except my spouse and our remaining son ( G*d forbid). I keep nagging our son to get a will and name someone other than me.

I think it’s very sad when we realize that our family’s treasured possessions have little monetary value and we can’t get anyone to take/buy them. It takes so much time to sort through it all. It’s hard to see that they worked all their lives and what was kept fits in the back of a SUV.

April23

Ugh @H1235 your sibling situation is similar to mine. And @Quilting brings calm you are so right. When I had to clear out my dad’s home and saw all his treasures that he collected so painstakingly, I was and still am overwhelmed with the grief of it. I’ve boxed it all up but can’t bring myself to go through it. There are things I could sell but can’t bring myself to while he’s still alive.

My dad called an ambulance and never went home again. Never slept in his bed, drove his car, or sat in his recliner surrounded by his things. And he has never once been angry at me or complained. Sometimes I feel like I will die from the sadness of it.

H1235

April23 I am sorry about your dad. This is all just so hard. To complicate things mom has vascular dementia and only has minor memory issues (her symptoms are logic, reasoning, anosognosia, anxiety, anger sometimes). If she were to see the beautiful wrought iron bench that belonged to my great aunt or the China bowl that belonged to my grandma in my house she would be very angry. She wants everything left in her house til she passes. I have accepted that I will not bring her to my house again since it is an hour one way to visit her ( so it would be 4 hours on the road for me to bring her for to my house). But I hate that I have a feeling that I need to hide that I have things from her. I feel guilty. I could also picture my brother stopping by unannounced while he has mom out for a drive. He knows I have these things, but he would not understand the issue. He has many things of hers at his house (yard furniture, china cabinet, a bed…) but he asked her and she was fine with it (he is the perfect child). He doesn’t recognize the issue with this. As is often the case she places all the blame of her current situation on me. I asked early on if I could have a simple cookie jar and she told me no I could wait til she was gone. I have the cookie jar now, but I think I will never get it out of my head that she said i couldn’t have it (even though I know it was her messed up dementia logic). This overshadows the pleasant memories I had that made me want it in the first place. What a twisted mess.

April23

I have a few things displayed my home—exactly 4 things, two of them just framed pictures—but I don’t care if my sibling knows. My mom has probably told them. But I consider it my payment for spending weeks clearing, cleaning, packing and selling my dad’s home without my sibling lifting a finger (but took whatever they wanted). I dare them to say something.

I still have so much to go through but nothing compared to what you are going through @H1235. Probably the hoarder mentality is coming into play also with her not wanting to part with anything.