Affairs, Divorce, and Dodging a Bullet

Chammer

Very long post alert.

I only come to you all because even if your situation isn’t like mine, I know I will get wise (and hopefully not too brutal) counsel from the other travelers on this journey.

I am 64, still working - now 2 jobs. My DH is 63 yo and is:
◦ not diagnosed with dementia
◦ Has multiple health issues including DM II on insulin (w neuropathy, retinopathy requiring eye injections to maintain vision, has had a partial toe amputation due to osteomyelitis from poor circulation), high blood pressure, ED, heart stent in 2019, continued heavy alcohol use, severe ear and jaw infection in 2023-2024 that resulted in permanent dizziness, imbalance (walks w a cane), loss of hearing
◦ I’ve seen cognitive changes starting in 2019 - more personality and executive functioning changes with noticeable word finding difficulty - lots of ummmm, ummmmm, ummmmm, ummmmm.
◦ One of our DSs works as a caregiver for a home care agency and recognizes cognitive changes and physical behaviors in his dad like several of his clients. It honestly felt like validation when he told me that because I thought I was maybe making things up in my own mind.
◦ together / married for 35 yrs
◦ DH is a serial cheater
◦ DH can charm a pot of gold from a leprechaun and sell ice to an Eskimo, then flip and be meaner than a billy goat. His mood swings and challenging personality traits have gotten worse and seem to be on steroids now.
◦ We have a business together which we still have. One of our DSs works in the business with us and helps keep it going. We have our health insurance through this business and it keeps the lights on. It was very successful until:
◦ 2 new (and now failed) business ventures he “always dreamed of opening” starting in 2020 and finally managed to get out of in Dec 2024 resulting in massive debt that I don’t see an end to.
◦ I made the conscious choice to stay in our marriage and
◦ I loved him until 2023 in spite of multiple affairs that I know of (no telling how many I don’t know about). In 2023, after yet another cheating episode caught on security camera and seen by our DD, I told him i wanted a divorce. Then the same month he developed:
◦ Major ear infection with skull base osteomyelitis that eventually required 2 surgeries/hospitalizations and months of multiple home IV antibiotics and anti fungals. He wasn’t “cleared” until 18 months later and still has frequent appts w ENT in addition to endocrinology, pain dr, orthopedics, chiropractor. I was Nurse Wifey doing all the IVs, health care manager/caregiver and multiple weekly Dr’s appt Uber while still working and keeping the household going.
◦ I now “have care” for him as the man I married and the father of my children and stayed to take care of him while he was sick and since he has residual effects from the infection and his other health issues.
◦ Based on DBAT, I would say he seems to be mid-late stage 3 now - it’s hard to tell because I am apparently a major rescuer and scaffold-er handling all household responsibilities, bill paying, child rearing while also working during our marriage. So I can’t tell what is him being his normal difficult self and what is due to cognitive changes.
◦ Yes, he still drives (please no judgement not much I can do without a diagnosis. He doesn’t drive much any more)
◦ He refuses to see a neurologist and honestly, it makes my soul weary to think of adding another doctor and more appointments to his current menagerie. He still has several appointments a month and he complains about every. one. of. them. (He actually complains about everything)
Here is my dilemma -
◦ he very secretively started a new business (LLC) with a woman who apparently is the newest love of his life and “how did he get so lucky in his old age to find such a precious girl” - she is 20 yrs his junior. (I have access to his email and phone due to it being a business email and phone so while I don’t snoop- when he tells me to look up stuff for work in his email or phone - I see more than I think he realizes. We also have GPS on vehicles as they are work vehicles)
◦ Before I realized she was his new woman/affair (they are on a non-profit board together) I told him “do not start this business w her!!!!!! Remember how we talked about the fact that you don’t play well with others with all your other failed partnerships and ventures??!!” I also reminded him of the massive debt we currently have and that his credit score (and mine) are lower than the bottom of the Grand Canyon as a result which doesn’t bode well for a new business.
◦ He apparently also has another woman (also 20 yrs his junior) he is pursuing and I’m guessing woman #1 knows nothing about her. He met #2 for a little fishing adventure with her 5 yo DD at a local river for a “first date” this past weekend.
◦ He has always used divorce as a threat throughout our marriage and now tells me almost daily he wants a divorce for the past year. I let him know every time to go ahead and get it done - nothing has happened yet on his end.

So:
◦ I don’t know new affair/business partner, (and really don’t care to know her) but
◦ Do I let her know that he very likely has dementia, anosognosia and does have massive debt (including significant state and federal tax debt)? She can’t help but see his physical issues and he lets everyone in earshot know about how sick he has been and how he is fighting back and he will get better all while doing absolutely nothing. But I’m sure he didn’t share his/our debt load. I anticipate the storm of the century if I speak to or meet with the new affair/business partner. OR
◦ Just let it be and move on?

I will most likely file for divorce, we can sell our home and any thing of value to pay off as much debt as possible and see if there is anything left to split and start over with.

I thought I could stick it out and hopefully save my kids from being his full-time caregivers at some point in the near future, but I just don’t think I have it in me anymore. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise and I’m dodging the dementia caregiver bullet. I took care of his mother w Alz for the last year of her life in 2016 - different than a spouse but one of the hardest years of my life to date so I have some understanding of what is on the horizon.

JulietteBee

Wow! That was quite transparent of you.

I am not in your situation, but would just like to encourage you to do whatever you deem best for yourself.

However, if you already plan to divorce him, there is no need for you to tell his new lady friend anything. Let her find it all out for herself! I believe thay would be sweet justice.🍾

Carl46

Your husband sounds just like the husband of a friend. He had FTD and exhibited similar behaviors. She placed him in a NH after he knocked out her front teeth, and her sister encouraged her to do something before he killed her.

I don't know that your DH has FTD, but I see nothing for you to gain by staying in this relationship besides more debt and abuse. In your place, I would consult an attorney and make plans to leave. Your life will be so much more peaceful without this burden.

I don't think I would tell his harem anything. They will likely dismiss anything you say as the vitriol of a bitter ex-wife, and you don't owe them anything anyway. You should focus on you and your healing.

Bailey's Mom

Chammer…thank you for your honest and soul-baring post. Here is my unprofessional advice…CALL YOUR ATTORNEY TODAY AND FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! Once he has a diagnosis, it will be very difficult, and expensive to do so. This situation will only get worse and has no upside…maybe for him, since you take care of everything, while allowing him to have affairs with his 'precious girls'…but not for you. You still have some life left, but if you stay with him, he will suck it out of you…from what you have said, he does not deserve your remaining years…just sayin'.

harshedbuzz

@Chammer

Your story sounds very BTDT to me. Reading your post, I felt as if I could have written it from the adult-child perspective excepting that my parents were older/retired already.

I am so sorry you are living this.

I do suspect that some of the poorer decisions made by dad (with mom appeasing as always) around the time of their retirement were informed by some of the early changes in personality and executive function that preceded obvious memory loss. Dad was diagnosed later in the disease; I encouraged mom to have dad evaluated for a decade before a crisis forced her hand. Dad had mixed dementia and had it been diagnosed earlier the treatable one* had the potential to be improved or even reversed until his Alzheimer's worsened.

Dad was finally diagnosed after a trip to the ER during a psychotic episode. On one hand a diagnosis didn't bring much in the way of treatment for him, but knowing he had a terminal diagnosis brought clarity into making medical decisions around his other health conditions.

By this point, he was in the later middle-stages and mom's options were very much limited. I got mom in to see a certified elder law attorney to discuss getting POAs for both (with me as her person) and to explore divorce as an option. The CELA finessed the signing of the POAs in such a way that dad did. If he hadn't, we were prepared to petition for guardianship which would have forced a neurocognitive evaluation.

I would encourage you to see a CELA, alone or with one of your supportive adult children asap. It was eye-opening. In discussing divorce, a couple of concerns came up that mom hadn't anticipated. In a divorce, dad would need his own counsel and guardian ad litem to protect his interests. Even in a state where assets are typically 50/50, he might have gotten a bigger piece based on "need". She probably would have been responsible for his health care as she'd always carried it. And, worse for her, she would have lost any control over his care as I would have become his guardian, and she knew I'd have placed him in the most reasonably priced facility that would accept him.

Their financial situation was as dire as what you're facing I suspect. Their only debt was a car payment and a small mortgage on their second home. That said, early in the disease (before he forgot his passwords) he managed to day-trade away $360K which limited funding for placement. She was beyond angry at this point.

At the end of the day, mom decided to gamble that she stayed married and would keep him at home until she couldn't physically or emotionally as she wanted to preserve assets for her eventual care. It paid off for her as he passed less than 2 years after his diagnosis and only a few months into his stay in MC. YMMV.

Good luck. Yours is a difficult situation and only you can decide what is best for you.

HB


*An alcohol-related dementia, Wernicke-Kosakoff's Syndrome, which is the result of a Thiamine deficiency. You mention heavy alcohol use. How heavy? It might be worth a visit to a PCP to test for this and also other vitamin and hormone deficiencies as well as infections that can cause these kinds of changes.

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75631/affairs-divorce-and-dodging-a-bullet

A sad story, indeed. I think my Mom could have written something similar. The underlying reality is that in most places, his debt is your debt, regardless of which "honey" is in business with him. If he owes, you owe. If for no other reason than financial security, you need to get a divorce ASAP, and it must be done while he can still legally sign the paperwork. Good luch.

jfkoc

No one would advise you to stay in an abusive situation. Well hopefully noone

Appointment with CELA asap;

https://www.nelf.org/attorney-directory-search

you need to fully understand all getting a divorce means in order to make the best decision for YOU!!!

I would suggest getting to ALANON. That would be ASAP also.

Judith

ronda b

Please get a divorce before he gets a dx. Sounds curl but you need to look after yourself. You can still help IF you want to after,but on your own terms.

trottingalong

I’m with the others in your need to see a CELA asap. You need to protect your current assets and not be liable for possible more debt from his adventures. If you sat the woman down and told her what’s going on, the odds are she wouldn’t believe you and go straight to your husband for reassurance. So don’t waste your breath. But do protect yourself.

Michele P

I can’t imagine living in this! Call an attorney. Divorce him! I would never say this in a situation where someone has dementia; however, he is continuing his past behaviors and will destroy you in the process. Get out while you can.

Jgirl57

No judgement if you end your marriage. Consult a divorce lawyer, do not contact the mistresses , and limit discussions with the hubby as you get your ducks in a row . Best wishes

Dusty217

Don't wait. Get a lawyer and get out now.

SDianeL

talk to an attorney asap. Since he’s ill you may have to provide financially for his care. It happened in our family. So sorry you are going through this.

BPS

My wife had an on and off affair for over ten years before she was diagnosed. Each time I believed her that it would not happen again. Then she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I was told that getting a divorce after the diagnoses was much more complicated and expensive. I decided to stay because I didn't want my kids to have to deal with everything that is involved in caring for someone with dementia. She didn't cause any of the financial issues you are dealing with so I can only tell you what I did and what I think I should have done. I should have divorced her prior to any diagnoses. My staying with her because I didn't want my kids to have to deal with it was short sighted on my part. I could have still helped even without being married if I choose to. I still care about my wife but there is a constant resentment for the affair and dealing with this disease for 10 years as I get older and have less opportunity to be happy. You need to protect yourself physically and financially and mentally. Staying with someone out of obligation is different than stay out of love.

harshedbuzz

@Chammer

A couple of other points.

With my dad, the middle and early-late stages of the disease were the most unpleasant as he had enough bandwidth to just be ghastly. And before anyone says, "it's the disease, he can't help it" the man looked in the eye and told me he was going to continue to make my mom as miserable as she made him by forcing a "made-up diagnosis" and move on him. Medication helped a lot with this. We took dad to a geriatric psychiatrist who created a combination of psychoactive meds that did help dial back the anxiety driving the behaviors.

When you see a CELA, another option to discuss would be qualifying him for Medicaid and placing him in a facility for custodial care sooner rather than later. This would allow you to manage his care without having to do it all. As a Medicaid spouse-in-the-community, you would be able to remain in your home living expenses until your death. It would also allow you to restrict access to these women.

HB

Chammer

Thank you all for the wise advice. I met w an elder care attorney a few years ago for just a consultation. She provided me w good information. I didnt engage her services at the time as I had DPOA (active), MPOA (active) and Wills in place. I am DPOA and MPOA for DH. My POAs are my oldest DS and DD.

I made an appt to meet w a family law attorney this next week. We really don't have funds to engage an attorney so want to discuss options since we have property and debt that needs to be taken care of.

Chammer

As far as his health issues, he sees his endocrinologist NP every 3 months and has most of the lab work done mentioned by @harshedbuzz quarterly. It has been a couple of years but I requested and had B12 and B1 levels done and they were normal at that time. I sort his meds weekly and he takes a daily oral multi B complex and I added a B1 tab morning and night since both DM and alcohol impact absorption of B vitamins. At his endocrinologist appt last week, NP added diabetic nephropathy to his problem list due to a 2nd abnormal UACR.

DH had a brain MR angiogram done in 2024 for his skull base osteomyelitis. It wasnt done for or evaluated for dementia but does show "chronic microvascular changes in supratentorial white matter and pons" and mild global parenchymal volume loss - both which are just a "normal aging brain" even at 61 - his age at the time per his ENT NP.

I need to stop worrying about it and let him figure it all out moving forward.

Victoriaredux

Yes , see a hopefully combative lawyer as soon as possible and ask if you can file something now-legal separation? - while divorce is pending , if you do go ahead with that , to not be responsible for any new debts or have your settlement impacted if one of his sweeties has a baby and he's then got child support . If going out of state to a quickie divorce place helps , do that - he's a time bomb.

Be sure to bring your legal docs to the meeting with the lawyer so they can see what you are allowed to do right now to secure assets from his actions.

I'd have an ob/gyn check you out too, in case …