Taking away beloved pets

clarkjuliea64

My mom, with mid-stage alz, is currently in an Assisted Living Facility. We placed her there because she is extremely attached to her 2 dogs, and pets aren't allowed in memory care. We were trying to ease the transition so we chose AL. We have been here a week and it is painfully obvious she won't be able to function in AL. We are so afraid of what taking away her pets will do to her. Does anyone have any experience in this? She lost my dad 6 years ago and slowly got over that, but the alz wasn't that bad at the time. I feel taking away her pets and putting her into MC might just be too much for her. I know they say it's harder on the family than on the person with alz. How long will it take before she forgets about her dogs? Any thoughts on this will be helpful. Thank you

harshedbuzz

@clarkjuliea64

Could you or another local friend/family member keep the dogs and bring them for visits? A number of folks did this at dad's MCF. You could create a fiblet about her "going to rehab on doctor's orders" and that you're keeping them for now.

HB

MissOldMom

So, somewhat related was when my mom had to be in rehab after a fall last summer. She lives with us, but being without her dog was going to be very hard on her since she had to be there for about 18 days. Luckily where she was allowed us to bring the dog for visits. So I agree with the previous poster that if you are able to place her memory care where they allow visits from pets, then just take them with you when you go to visit. It might be hard on her at least at first, but I like the idea given above about having to be in memory care on doctors orders as far as what you explain to her and that the dogs are still hers, but you are just taking care of them.

Anonymousjpl123

I agree it would be ideal to keep her pets so they can have her visit - even if they can’t live with you, you may be able to find a foster or adoptive home that would take them and visit. I know that sounds hard but it may be possible!

It’s heartbreaking to have to make these choices I know. For what it’s worth, I started my mom in AL and she lasted about 6 months before I had to move her to MC. It’s been 2.5 years and what I can say with certainty is there are definitely people I have watched transfer from AL to MC in my moms place who thrive in MC in a way they didn’t in AL. There’s more care, structure, attention, and activities people can actually do.

I hope you can find a way for the pets to visit. The other option is to find someone in AL whose pets she can visit with. A lot of people in AL have pets in my moms place and they are always around. Let us know how it goes.

AmandaF

We were so worried about this too, but my mom forgot her (beloved!) dog very quickly. For a while she would ask me how the dog was doing and I would say she’s great! And she would say oh good. Now, after two years, I show her photos and videos but I don’t think she remembers the dog at all. We did try bringing the dog for a visit once but I think it stressed her (the dog) out, and my mom didn’t care too much. Good luck and I am sorry. For what it’s worth my mom’s dog is SO much better off living with someone who doesn’t have dementia.

terei

My mom really didn’t miss her dog even though they were very close when she had him. I initially took him and told her he was going to the vet and had to stay there for awhile because of illness. She accepted that and never really asked for the dog back. I was fortunate to be able to rehome the dog with relatives. I gave her a Joy For All cat that interested her for a few months.

clarkjuliea64

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268998#Comment_268998

Thank you for your reply. I feel that bringing the dogs to visit would be too hard for her. She won’t understand why she can’t keep them there with her and she will be upset when we leave with them. That will happen every time we visit. It might be best to rip off the bandaid and just tell her that they are sick and can’t come to visit yet, and hopefully in a couple weeks she will have forgotten them. I appreciate your feedback 😊

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269053#Comment_269053

You know your mom and her current level of cognition best, but if you tell mom her dogs are sick she may may be very upset about that.

psg712

My mom had a cat that she was very attached to. He had been with her for nine years before she moved to AL. Every conversation revolved around the cat. She was allowed to bring him to AL, where she continued to dote on him. Then she was hospitalized with covid for 3 weeks and discharged to rehab. The cat was now out of sight, out of mind. We had been working on a plan for a transfer to memory care anyway so it was the best timing to rehome kitty. I still struggled with the decision, but it was the right one. She hadn't been able to care for him herself in a long time.

To my great surprise, from the day she went into the hospital, she never spoke of the cat again. She's been in MC for two years now and not one mention of him. I hope that separating your mom from her dogs goes smoothly. Perhaps the fact that she will be in a new room in MC, where the dogs have not lived with her, will help with the change.