New member, helping my parents

dreamofstars

My mom has Alzheimer's - stage 4 or possibly stage 5 (somewhere in between?) - clearly at the stage where she needs extra help but is incredibly resistant to accepting any help outside of family. She will basically scream about how accepting help will make her decline faster… etc (she was an RN for years and has experience with assisted living/memory care). We likely just have to do it anyway as my dad is not able to care for her completely. He's been doing a lot but he's at the end of his rope especially with how much my mom screams at him about every attempt to help. It's a ridiculous situation that will only get worse. My mom is the one who used to cook all the meals and do all the food shopping well she can't do that on her own anymore but resists any attempts to point that out. My dad was able to get some control over the food shopping but is having a hell of at time keeping her on task to only get the things they ACTUALLY NEED so they don't end up with 5 containers of the same thing… and trying to get rid of anything expired in the refrigerator results in a fight because she wants to go by a replacement even if it's something she was clearly not using — say for example various cheeses that she bought because it was there but she never ate it. It's just too much. Everything is too much. My sibling and I are out of state and have tried to go down and help but it's not a sustainable situation as we're not close enough and not able to be away from our jobs that long.

H1235

Welcome. I’m so sorry you need to be here. These early stages are tough. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It causes everyone a lot of stress and anxiety. You might want to talk with her doctor about medication for anxiety. It’s often necessary. It’s not always a quick fix, it can take a while to find the right medication and dose. It has helped a lot with my mom. But even now I can not bring my mom to the store, because I never know what she might want to buy and she would throw a fit if I questioned the purchase. Could your dad order groceries on line and have them delivered? She might not be happy about it, but it might be worth it. I often felt like no matter what I do she is going to be cranky. It’s generally best to NEVER point out their symptoms or limitations. It won’t go well. It can be helpful in some cases to just do what needs to be done without telling her or consulting her. If there is expired food in the fridge I would toss it while she is in a different room. Maybe even bring the trash out so she doesn’t find it in the trash. If she needs to be monitored in the kitchen maybe he could make up some excuse to do something in the kitchen at the same time. Sometimes if it really doesn’t matter you just agree. I have just taken the blame for so many things (it’s simply mot worth it). There is a saying here, you can’t reason with someone how’s reasoner is broken, don’t even try. If you think a facility may be necessary, they can be very expensive and there can be a waiting list. I know it’s not part of your post, but has all the legal paperwork been addressed? It’s so important to see a lawyer early and get that taken care of. I hope there is something helpful here.
This part of the board doesn’t get many visitors. You may want to repost under caring for a parent.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

dreamofstars

Sorry I forgot to come back to this - I had posted on Reddit as well and go some additional responses there. I don't live with my parents - I'm about an hour away. My brother and I are currently trying to make my Dad understand that he has to take control and do all the things you suggested here. There are a lot of complicating factors but he's struggling with be able to "take control" as my mom was always in charge of a lot of things especially food and cooking and doesn't even let my dad have a say since Dad doesn't know how to cook. When I visited the last time I was able to go through the entire refrigerator and I didn't back down when she shouted about the food and just did it. I also made a list of things they already had but that got ignored … It's a ridiculous cycle. I will repost to caring for a parent but I had posted here as I don't live with them currently.