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Two Months

CindyBum
CindyBum Member Posts: 703
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

Two months ago on this day, my DW passed away peacefully at home. I am sitting on a plane, flying to New York City to see an opera with a friend. A respite trip I arranged when I thought my DW might make it longer into 2026. She didn't, but I'm going anyway.

Stage 8 is interesting so far. I spent the first month planning for her celebration of life, feeling immense gratitude for the love we shared and the luck I had in finding the love of my life. The celebration of life then kicked my poor, sad butt and I've spent much of March isolating and feeling sad, along with being pretty unable to grasp the reality that I will never see her in person again, see that twinkle in her eye, hold her hand.

But the end of March had gifts for me. The caregiving fog is starting to lift. I feel more like me again. I started dreaming again. I had literally stopped dreaming when I slept the last 4, very intense years. Either I wasn't dreaming or my poor brain could not remember. It's fun to dream when sleeping again. I also have started losing my fixation on the last year, which was the most intense and difficult. Those images are starting to be replaced by memories of the first night we met and how we were both hit by a lightening bolt and knew it that night. I've had visions of our first dates, our trips together and all the laughs and inside jokes. Perhaps the biggest relief is finally letting go of the guilt — did I do the right thing? What if I'd given her these meds instead of those? Why did I let my impatience and frustration show? Why in the world did I pick a fight with her? Etc. God, that was all so damn awful.

I like feeling like me again and didn't realize just how far gone I was, and I knew I was a friggin' wreck by the end. The exhaustion is so real and will take me a while to recover from that.

I remain filled with gratitude. I remain incredibly relieved that my dear Suze and her big, bright spirit has been released from that mean bully dementia. I feel her warmth around me every day. I know I gave her every bit of love I had in me for her and her care and that has held me up these two months. I find myself proud of what I was able to do for her and amazed still that I had it in me. I really didn't think I did.

But, I also know I have a long road ahead. Our plan for the last 20 years was for us to move where we did move to, then I'd retire and we'd travel and enjoy our days together. I spent years getting us all set up for my retirement and the move we made. Here I am. Retired. In our dream house and dream location. And my love and those particular dreams are gone. Guess I'm not quite done dealing with big emotional and psychological realities, but these are not anything like the crazy, difficult intensity of caregiving my DW with dementia. But, I know I'll find my way.

Hang in there everyone. You're doing an amazing job caring for your LOs. The strength and love you are showing to your LOs matters a great deal to them and ultimately for you.

Big hugs!

Comments

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,237
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    💜

  • CindyBum
    CindyBum Member Posts: 703
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269426#Comment_269426

    I have been thinking about you, dear. I hope you are doing ok. Sending you strength and a big hug.

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 629
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    Cindy, thanks for posting this update. I’m going through many of the same emotions as you are. I know I’ll be OK, but i don’t think I’ll ever be a part of that kind of love again. We just have to find our own way now, and keep them in our heart as we travel to places they would have loved to see and do the things we loved to do together. And maybe find some new friends and new activities to bring us joy. Hugs!!

  • Goodlife2025
    Goodlife2025 Member Posts: 310
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    Thank you for this update, it means so very much that you share this part of your journey as well. I hope you enjoy your time in NYC.

  • Bailey's Mom
    Bailey's Mom Member Posts: 218
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    Cindybum…thanks for the update. I have missed your wonderful sense of humor…pretty hard for me to be amused by anything these days, but you have a way of making me chuckle! Enjoy your opera…she'll be watching!

  • jgreen
    jgreen Member Posts: 323
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    Dear @CindyBum

    So very good to hear from you and that you are finding your way down this new path. Safe travels and enjoy the opera. As others said - Suze will be right beside you!

    💝

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 629
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269446#Comment_269446

    Good for you! Enjoy the opera while thinking of her.

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 974
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    Getting all gussied up for your night of Opera sounds wonderful. I enjoyed reading your update. I suspect that when the time comes, my journey may be similar to yours. The grief will be there. I fear the loneliness not having my husband here will bring. It was nice to hear from you, it helps us all.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 1,164
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    thanks for the update, Cindy. It’s good to hear from you. Enjoy the opera! You were an amazing caregiver. Sending hugs.

  • Karen711
    Karen711 Member Posts: 251
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    Nice to hear from you Cindy, my thoughts have been with you and wishing you well! You’re amazing at articulating what you’re going through and generous in sharing your deep process and feelings. It’s good to hear how you are actually navigating this, and I appreciate the idea that how we handle things today will stay with us in our future when we reflect back on the challenging times that being a care/giving partner brings. Say hello to New York City for me!💜

  • M5M
    M5M Member Posts: 266
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    CindyBum, this is such a poignant memorial for you and DW. Thank you for sharing, the encouragement towards “ the life after” is warming.

  • Chance Rider
    Chance Rider Member Posts: 277
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    Thank you for sharing your continuing journey with us. I’ve only been on this site since last August but have found your posts to be very informative and inspiring.

    Hoping you enjoy the opera. Suze will be right there with you.

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 309
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    Cindybum…thanks for the update. I know I'll be where you are one day. My DW is the love of my life.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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