Caring for my mom from afar

dreamofstars

It was suggested that I post over here as the "Caring Long Distance" forum doesn't get as many views. I edited this from the original post with some more detail ... My mom has Alzheimer's which appears to be at stage 4. She lives with my Dad out of state and I'm about an hour away while my brother is closer to 2 hours. My dad is really struggling with being able to manage anything. My mom has a lot of anxiety around knowing the schedule of what is happening and will freak out when things change and accuse my Dad of "hiding things" ... it's a ridiculous situation because we know that mom's memory issues are making things difficult and yet my dad keeps trying to reason with her.

Groceries are an ongoing thing - I had thought originally that my Dad was able to get some control over it but clearly I was wrong. The issue is that my mom is so used to doing all the grocery shopping and cooking that she won't let dad have any say in anything. Even when he tries to help by seeing what is in the refrigerator she doesn't believe him that they already have the food. And he doesn't have the ability to just tell her that they have it already - he gives in because she gets mad. When I went to visit the last time I was able to just stubbornly go through the entire refrigerator and didn't budge and inch when it came to saying "you have that" when I took her shopping. That's exactly what she needs but I think she knows she can convince him by shouting in a way that she can't with me because I don't let her get away with it. (I just ignore her and keep saying "you have that"), But I can't keep going there every time they need to shop.

My brother and I keep trying to convince my dad to hire someone to come in and help but that is met with so much resistance - not because Dad doesn't think it's needed but he can't handle the idea of doing it without convincing my mom that it needs to happen. But we all know that's not going to work. You can't reason with someone like this. There's no point but he can't do it.

The good news is they are at least moving forward with checking out various places to live - working through that. We'll have to figure that out. Hopefully he can deal with her shouting at him and then they will just go visit somewhere.

lilacgirl

That is great news that they are looking at places. (I am assuming some kind of continuing care community?) That puts you ahead of the game. We tried to get my mom and dad to move closer to us for YEARS. They did not do it, and now we are all paying the price, as my Dad passed away in December, and my mom, whom we also think is around stage 4, has been trying to live alone and has only been able to do so because my brother and/or I go back to visit her every 10 days or so. We did convince her to move into an assisted living place near me, which is supposed to happen in less than 2 weeks. I am bracing myself for a tough transition, but it needs to happen.

Anyway, all this to say I think your job now is to encourage the move as much as you possibly can. Your mom is going to need more help than your father can continue to give, and if something happens to him, you’ll find yourself in a situation like mine, which I wouldn’t have wished on anyone!

Victoriaredux

Can your Dad have the groceries delivered , tell her they are cheaper that way ? If he can't do computers you can create a master list on the site and go over that with your Dad privately in a call .

Also, check into restaurant deliveries . Meals on wheels. Anything to make it easier for him.

Have your parents drafted DPOA, healthcare proxies, updated their wills/trusts? Since they are in a different state having an elder law attorney advise which state is best for Medicaid long term care -theirs or yours would be a valuable exercise if it may need to come into play. And of course, having them closer to the holder of their DPOA/HC powers makes the most sense.

You may have to pre-screen places and then have your Dad scope them out by himself — it is rare to get a PWD to agree upfront, and if it is an unseen place it maybe easier to get them through the door and not melt down when the car pulls up .

dreamofstars

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269518#Comment_269518

Yes it will be one of the community care sites with a full continuum of care. We just have keep things moving forward in that regard and get through the fallout. Because there will be fallout.

dreamofstars

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/269539#Comment_269539

All legal paperwork has been taken care of and is in the process of being taken care of where needed. Everything is good on that part of things.

They are going to try getting some things delivered they've gotten to that point - mom still insists things like meat/produce have to be picked out herself because she doesn't trust anyone else to do it. The real issue they are having is that dad was not verifying for himself what was actually in the refrigerator. My mom clearly cannot decide what is there or not there and will put things down on a list that she thinks they need even after checking the refrigerator. Especially of they make the mistake of going to the store after some other thing they were doing without having made a list before hand which they did this week. There is no control and no verification happening because my dad cannot deal with her shouting at him.