Struggling with a dilemma

RetiredTeacher

My husband was diagnosed with MCI 7 yrs ago, has had 3 strokes, CV disease and many health conditions related to that. Dr switched him to palliative care 2 yrs ago. Cognitive testing revealed likely VD from strokes but cognitive decline has been slower than physical decline. The grandsons are growing up in NC without us and I feel strongly we need to be a part of their lives as they will be grown in 6-9 yrs. My plan is to end up in NC, either now or when my husband passes. He is 77 and I am 69. It would be a big move but it's going to happen, the question is move now or wait for my husband to decline further and pass away before I move alone. House prices are rising quickly there with folks moving from CA, NY and NJ for a better more affordable way of life. So much to consider. If I wait, he will surely be less ambulatory and cognition will be worse. He is agreeable to considering a move. He has no friend support here and his son does not take time to see him I'm checking Medicare options and single story homes. What else should I consider? If anyone has contemplated this kind of decision, I'd appreciate your input. Missing out on memories with the grandkids while staying home in CA.

trottingalong

Progression with any ailment, cognitive or physical, is individual to the person. Ultimately I think you need to think of yourself first at this stage and your needs in the long run. Make the move now. Don’t wait. The years will pass by too quickly and regrets will stay with you.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75736/struggling-with-a-dilemma

Move now if you see yourself there at stage 8 while he can still make a move. You will have more of a support system if you move.

H1235

There are some people here who have been living this nightmare for 10+ years. There is just no predicting the path things will go. If you wait til he has passed you may lose your opportunity to spend precious time with the grandkids. A move now would also give him the chance to get to know them better and spend time with them. A move is going to be a lot of work and may be more difficult for you (getting told stinks) the longer you wait.

RetiredTeacher

Ty all for your input. I've been leaning that way and I would like the grandkids to get to know their grand father while he is still able to interact with them. Getting my ducks in a row to be able to make the move. New HVAC system goes in Wed, back fence is next abd hiring some landscape help for the backyard after the fence is replaced. Ty all.

Biggles

Lots of positive suggestions coming forth. I agree if you have made a considered decision make the move. We moved 4 years ago sold our home of 30 years downsized and moved to be close to our daughter and 3 grandsons. We were then, me 72 DH 74 he was early stage VD from a couple of strokes but I had to do all the work selling, buying, packing, organising removers, finance, timing of the moving out and moving in. Friends had already abandoned us and children were too far away so no help. It didn’t go particularly smoothly but I’m so glad we moved when we did. We were able to comfort talk to each other about doing the move together, finding all the new necessities, shops, doctors, hairdressers, dentists etc. Take care with the details, it’s all in the planning. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

@RetiredTeacher

If you want to move, do it now. I think the biggest piece to this is finding the place where you want to be in stage 8.

You don't mention ages, but tweens/teens tend to be busy with their friends and activities which makes getting quality time hard even for grandparents who have always been very involved. I am seeing this with my friends with tweens and teen grands. Even the ones who hosted sleepovers and helped with COVID-era schooling while parents worked find their beloved kiddos less engaged with them.

And it seems to get worse as they get older and busier; my nieces were very close to mom well into their teens (they even lived with her for a time), and she sees them rarely although the older brings her on a yearly girls' trip. Mom moved away when DS was 6 so he wasn't as bonded when she moved back when he was in college. He's kind and helpful with her but it wouldn't occur to him to just stop by.

You mention wanting your grands to get to know your DH. How is he with kids generally now? My dad was pretty irritable as a baseline and went through a phase where younger DS annoyed him which is not unusual. LOL, I had a friend whose family had no children at the time, so her mom took to disciplining the cats constantly. During this phase, I pretty much visited my parents solo to spare DS and DH (dad didn't like him much either) dad's behavior. This did improve as DS hit middle school but then dad started telling him conflated stories about terrible things I had done and asking after DS's (nonexistant) sex life.

The other piece is social. Mom moved in her mid-70s, but she was so engaged in dad's care and supervision she didn't have time to build herself a social life. She's not the most outgoing but when she finally had time to find a social niche at her 55+ neighborhood she became almost invisible to the folks your age moving in who were striking up conversations with me instead. If you're more outgoing or a joiner/volunteer you might avoid this.

Concerns I would have would be availability of MCF/wait times, and whether Medicaid covers SNF is needed unless you absolutely have funds for extended time in MC and/or aides in the home. The tax situation in retirement can vary by state so it may be worth looking at.

Good luck with your decision.
HB

RetiredTeacher

Lots of good info to consider.