New here
Comments
-
Welcome. A few suggestions: Do not ever argue with someone with Alzheimer’s or a cognitive impairment. We were told to take blame for everything we never did and apologize. You will never convince him that he is wrong. His brain is broken, and he will not remember short term memory events. There are multiple tests that can give you a diagnosis. A brain MRI, brain CAT scan, testing by a neuropsychologist, and the blood test specifically that tests for Alzheimer’s. If your husband has not had these tests, demand it! Based on the fact that the neurologist could not give you a diagnosis, I would suggest a second opinion by another highly reputable neurologist.
7 -
Welcome. I think after a while you just get used to(maybe numb to) always being wrong. The person with dementia is always right (unless it’s a safety thing). If they correct you, you just agree with them. I think it takes a while for the caregiver brain to remember/accept/ get used to this different way of thinking. To be in an almost constant state of monitoring your every word is hard and exhausting.
8 -
I never mastered the skill of taking the blame. I'd just say, "Oh gosh, that's terrible! Maybe we should leave it off today." You might also want to move the heater to another place, either so the cat can still warm up or just so it's out of sight.
Still, don't defend. Just agree.
11 -
Thank you. We've had 2 MRI's done. I don't care for this Dr. and am trying to get him to see someone else…..without much luck. I'm also a 6' tall, German Scottish Taurus (your pic of me is accurate!) and unfortunately, I speak before I realize what I'm doing. Something to work on 🤐
5 -
one phrase I learned here is “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and I repeated that phrase throughout the day. It helped me pause before I answered. It also helped for me to think of him as my patient and me his nurse since we were no longer partners due to dementia. It took the emotions out of it. It’s so sad what this disease robs from us.
9 -
It takes practice. I have gotten better, but not good at it. It is easier on some topics then others.
5 -
I can relate to this! Sometimes the words of disagreement or defending myself pop out before I think—almost a knee-jerk reaction. This is especially true when we have discussed the same issue multiple times. I have been trying to put myself in his place and think how scary it must be as to what the future holds; it helps me feel more compassionate. It is scary for us as caregivers as well.
I had to keep pushing his PCP and he finally referred us to a Neuropsychologist who did extensive testing and got the process started with a Neurologist. The Neuropsychologist was key to getting things started for us so that may be a place to start with your PCP and see if he will refer you for testing.
My DH’s Neurologist is working to get him in the clinical trials for the new IV infusion drugs that have slowed the progression in some patients. I have been told it is important not to delay a patient’s diagnosis as the patient has to be in the early stages of the disease to benefit from the treatment.
4 -
I am not a medical professional. My understanding is that in cases of suspected dementia, MRI's are used to rule out particular causes (tumors and such). ALZ cannot be diagnosed with an MRI. DW had an MRI after her first visit for memory issues. Her MRI came back as completely "unremarkable", although it was clear from her MOCA results, something was definitely wrong.
If he is agreeable, I would suggest the next step would be the neuropsychological assessment. That is a rather complete non invasive test for symptoms of dementia.
2 -
Thank you. Yes, his MRI's were unremarkable. I'm hoping to find a different dr. moving forward.
0 -
You are now his voice. Fight to get a diagnosis and the proper treatment and care for your husband. We were told by the VA that my husband was fine after a five minute cognitive test that was a joke. He easily passed it a few weeks before being diagnosed with MCI.
2 -
This is my first time here. You describe my life, thanks.3
-
Yes. Our first visit he was given a test. I told my sister it was a joke. He answered everything correctly with no problem. The dr. didn't really want to hear the day to day I was dealing with which 5 months down the road are worse. I'm trying like heck to get a new dr. One who doesn't seem afraid to give a proper diagnosis.
2 -
I'm sorry. For us. For everyone else here. Sending you hugs
2 -
When moms pcp gave her the quick in office test she did great. The doctor was reluctant, but I pushed for a referral to a neurologist. After the 2 hour neurology exam we were told she was not safe to live along any more, that she shouldn’t drive and she should see a lawyer as soon as possible to get legal matters in order. The pcp she had been seeing almost monthly for years was oblivious.
2 -
Hi Christine
Find a good neurologist experienced with Alzheimer’s and other dementia diseases. It is important for you to be there with him to answer your observations of your husband’s symptoms for past years and there are more than 10 over past 5 years. The neurologist will clinically evaluate him to check his balance walking and test his memory with some simple tests. If he is convinced or not he should have the lab draw his blood for the new Alzheimer’s Blood test just approved by the FDA and Medicare. He should also have a brain MRI and EEG done to confirm or rule out Alzheimer’s and other results from those tests. The blood test is 90% to 96% for testing for Alzheimer’s and more accurate then a PET or Spinal Fluid tap. However, he may order those tests to further confirm Alzheimer’s unless the clinical tests are strongly showing memory loss. If the blood test is positive, he will have amploid Plaques and Tau Tangles in his blood and in his brain. Only a brain pathology after death is 100% accurate checking for Alzheimer’s.
I am not an expert, I was just diagnosed in April 2026 by a neurologist experienced with Alzheimer’s and other dementia’s and he did all the above to confirm Alzheimer’s. In 2018, I first noticed random short term memory problems and figured it was just getting old. I was also diagnosed with type2 diabetes in 2018. In 2020, my PCP tested me for Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI) and diagnosed me with MCI. Since then I had 3 TIAs with the last causing right eye blindness when two arteries going to that eye were blocked with embolisms. In January 2026, I discussed worse symptoms with my PCP and he told me he could see the MCI was much worse. He asked me why my wife stopped bringing me to my doctor visits and I told him that I embarrass her by arguing and lashing out at her when she answers their questions about me. He asked if and why I do that and I said I feel like I am being treated like a child. He then prescribed medication for depression, anxiety, and my aggression that seems to be helping me. I do forget at least once a week to take all my medications even with a 7 day pill dispenser.Lastly my PCP referred me to a neurologist at PARADIGM who was one of two neurologists experienced with dementia and Alzheimer’s diseases and took Medicare and Aetna that is my secondary insurance. He also asked me why I did not bring my wife or one of my adult children with me and I told him same thing I told the PCP. Anyway he clinically tested me, tested my blood for Alzheimer’s, and a week later I had a brain MRI and EEG done early in the morning and that afternoon he called me personally and informed me my tests were positive for Alzheimer’s showing amploid plaques and Tau Tangles in my blood and brain along with inflammation and signs of diabetes. I have a follow-up with the Neurologist in 2 weeks to discuss the findings and my options. The PCP and my Rheumatologist ran all the other blood tests before I saw the Neurologist since I have Polymyositis and Dermatomyositis since 2008 that is in remission and Type 2 Diabetes in 2018 and my Aic is controlled at 5.8 for the past year. Style 2 Diabetes, Polymyositis, Dermatomyositis, and Alzheimer’s are all considered Autoimmune diseases and the Type 2 Diabetes and Dermatomyositis puts me at higher risk for Alzheimer’s progression faster. I am 72 years old.
Regards
Bill7 -
My partner and I share the same PCP and she hasn't been listening. She didn't do well on her mini test this year finally, another referral. She's a nurse and seems to fool them every time. You all have made me feel sane again. We're going to a geriatric assessment program finally.
But before diagnosis, we both know what's going on even when we deny it. How do you deal with the anger? Everything is my fault, something I did or said. I cry constantly that at 71 I never expected to be alone and together. Her today moments are filled with anger about everything. I don't want to spend our last years arguing. How have you managed?
4 -
Christine,
I can understand your frustration. I am certainly not an expert, but perhaps one response might be to say, "Oh no, I'm sorry that happened!" If it is a portable heater, maybe you could ask, "How about if we take the heater out of the room so that doesn't happen again? You can let me know if you need it to be put back in the room."
I have found responses where I don't accept the blame, but I don't deflect it either. I just show empathy for how my DH must've felt. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a try. I'm with you… I don't like to be blamed. When I can empathize without accepting blame, it makes me feel a little better.
DH and I have been through the run-around with neurologists, so I can relate there as well. I found that keeping a journal was the key. I used the Google Keep app on my phone and typed in quick notes (with dates and times). When the next neurology appointment was close, I copied my notes and pasted them into ChatGPT with the request that AI summarize the most glaring symptoms. I was pleased to find that it not only summarized them for me, but also gave me an idea of progression and other patterns that I hadn't noticed. I got to the point that I would type in anything that seemed weird, which helped me find out that my DH was having seizures. The neurology team said these notes helped to support the diagnosis.
Yes, this is a horrid disease, but this forum has helped me manage the day-to-day. In addition, the current technology (that was not available when my FIL had Alzheimer's) has helped me to navigate DH's symptoms and disease progress.
I pray you can find ways to cope.
Gram
5 -
For those that can't get your Dr to take you serious one thing that I did was to print out a SAGE (Self Administered Gerocognitive Examination) test off line and took it with us when we went to see her DR. He was not familiar with it but did look at it and it help him take her condition more seriously and give a referral. I don't think all Dr's are as open to looking at things looking at things people bring in from the internet but it helped in our case.
6 -
Your partner has Anosognosia which is a neurological and psychiatric condition where a person with a disability, illness, or cognitive impairment is incapable of perceiving their condition, resulting in a severe "lack of insight". It is not mere denial, but a symptom of brain dysfunction often associated with dementia. She's fooling them by "showtiming" which PWD can do for short periods of time. It helped me to keep a list of my DH's behaviors and send to the Neurologist monthly or whenever a new behavior surfaced. I did not let my DH see the list. Hope you cope with the arguing is don't do it. Never argue with someone with dementia. You can't reason with someone whose 'reasoner' is broken. Get in her world. Agree with her. Fib if you must. Apologize. Promise to never do it again. Use distraction (treat) or redirection (change the subject). The only time you would argue is if she is doing someone unsafe. It helped me to think of my DH as my patient and me his nurse. It took some of the emotion out of caring for him. Sadly, your relationship is no longer the same. I would speak to her doctor about medication to calm her. Anxiety, agitation and aggressive behaviors are common in dementia. Ask for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is the best type of doctor to manage medications for dementia patients. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow which are very helpful.
5 -
I'm with the others. It took a lot of practice for me and at one point, I just decided I would take the blame for everything and not care about it. It worked like a charm and I discovered it just didn't bother me to answer anger or accusations with, "Shoot. I'm sorry, baby. I must have forgotten."
Hang in there. You can do it.
6 -
THANK YOU! Your interactions with your wife is exactly what I'm dealing with. I figure his primary will get sick of me calling every week and refer us to a different dr!
0 -
Thank you! I need more practice…….
1 -
Thank you! I have been keeping a record. But I LOVE what you've done. Setting that up today!
1 -
What if it's something important to you? She took down all the curtains in our apartment for more light. I just want one room that can be closed and we've argued forever about it. One room is important to me.
But I understand now "her reasoner is broken".
One room I can dress in that's all.
3 -
I don't deal with the anger. I don't know how. I hope I learn soon because I bottle it up until I break down sobbing. It's horrible. Sending you a hug
4 -
Thank you, yes you described it perfectly in one word. I have been reading and researching since you posted. Do you have tips to share because I really don't know if I can keep doing this, I can't take the arguments about everything. I don't even have to be there and I find out later we argued about something.
You got me repeating "can't reason with a broken reasoner".
1 -
I have spent a year exploding over everything I am so angry. It overtakes everything sometimes. But about 6 months ago I stopped, tired and exhausted. Because of an assault on me and my Service Dog we had to move in February.
No more denial on her part, she clearly couldn't figure things out. I once again rescued us from a mess and accepted that's my life now. I cry a lot too, this isn't what I imagined our life would be.
Thanks to a few people here I'm doing much better accepting reality.
2
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 638 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 353 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 285 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 17.8K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.7K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 8.7K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 3K Caring for a Parent
- 229 Caring Long Distance
- 181 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 13 Discusiones en Español
- 1 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 12 Prestación de Cuidado
- 3 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 23 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 15 Help