Family Dynamics while caring for Alzheimer’s

edenina

Hello, 

My name is Elbert Denina the son of someone who has Alzheimer’s. My sister recently just passed from cancer and I’m trying to navigate how I should handle breaking the news to my mom if she asks about my sister in a daily basis. Also how should I handle bringing my mom to her funeral. I’m not sure how to handle this especially when my mom forgets my sister has passed. Any advice helps. Thank you all as I’m new to this community.

H1235

Welcome. I’m so sorry for your loss. If her memory is very short and she will not remember that your sister has passed, at some point (soon) it is probably best to just stop telling her. A therapeutic fib is often kinder than having her relive the loosing her daughter over and over. Sometimes just changing the subject or being very vague with your answer works. A treat or something to distract her may also work. The funeral itself is a tough decision. We took my mil to a funeral out of state. The day after we got back she was complaining that that loved one had not calls her in ages. She had completely forgotten the entire trip and the funeral. Even while at the funeral I’m not sure she was able to remember who had passed. If you choose to bring her to the funeral you might want to have someone you trust who could leave early with her if it becomes necessary.

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

edenina

Thank you. Your advice is consistent with many others have told me. So helpful

harshedbuzz

@edenina

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.

I agree with @H1235

The general consensus is to tell the PWD of the loss one time. That said, if your sister lived at a distance and didn't see mom often, you could skip that if it feels kinder to you.

If you tell and she forgets, the best approach is a vague answer/fiblet. Some folks will base the fiblet on something that seems consistent to the individual in question— "sister's probably busy with work, off on a cruise, or at the lake house with no phone service".

My father seemed to be hazy on whether my sister, his favorite, was alive, sick or dead. It was something of a Schrodinger's Cat situation for most of stages and 6 which complicated things. What worked for me was to recognize that he missed her and worried that he was forgetting her. To the end, when he brought her up, I would redirect him and retell some funny or pleasant family story about her which always made him smile.

As for the funeral. It's hard to say. Many PWD can be stressed and inappropriate at viewings and funerals. If your sister has a spouse or children, their wishes need to be honored on this. If she attends, you may need to be able to remove her if she's struggling.

I have 2 funeral experiences with a PWD in stage 6 or so. A friend of my dad's brother, a man dad has known since he was 14, died and dad insisted on attending the visitation. I advised mom against this but she went ahead anyway. Dad went and seemed to forget why he was there and rather seemed to the widow as having too good a time. Mom was mortified.

The other funeral was my niece's other grandfather. In this case, his DW was in stage 6. She, too, really enjoyed seeing the friends and family who came although she seemed to think it was a birthday party. Attendees understood her condition, but her daughters were uncomfortable with how undignified they felt she was and kept leading her to the open casket to remind her why she was there. Oddly, she didn't seem to react at all to seeing his body and I wonder if she didn't recognize him.

HB