How to keep their mood from ruining yours?

lilacgirl · April 11

When my mother with early-to-moderate dementia has a bad day--ie., crying, anxious, or angry--I find it greatly affects my own mood. I am having a hard time separating my own feelings from hers, I guess. I have recently been prescribed Lexapro and it is helping to some degree, but I am wondering how other people manage to compartmentalize or let things roll of their back?

SDianeL · April 11

Caregiving is hard. We know how you feel. Remember that it's the dementia causing her to be depressed, anxious or agitated. Her world is falling apart and PWD usually take it out on their primary caregivers. What helped me was to stop thinking of my DH as my spouse and think of him as my patient and me his nurse. It took some emotion out of caring for him. Sadly, your Mom is no longer capable of a typical Mom-Daughter relationship. Another thing that helped me was the phrase I learned here: "You can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken" — I repeated that throughout the day. It helped me pause before I spoke. With practice you will learn. You're human. If your Mom isn't on any medications, I would speak to her doctor about something to calm her. A Geriatric Psychiatrist is the best type of doctor to manage medications for dementia patients. Get a referral to one if you can.

H1235 · April 12

I’m glad you are getting medication to help you. I think of myself as emotionally strong, but I am glad I have talked with my doctor. It’s so hard! Whenever I visit I try to mentally prepare myself. I remind myself that even though I worked very hard to do something special for her I will never ever get a thank you and she may even get snippy with me because it’s wrong. I brace myself before each visit, expecting the worst. I also go to ridiculous lengths to avoid upsetting her. Sometimes there is not a lot of conversation, because I just can’t think of anything that won’t potentially cause her anger. If I tell her I worked in my garden, she will be angry I won’t take her to her house so she can work in her garden. If things go ok (or even if she is just a little grumpy) I am pleasantly surprised and take it as a win. It has helped that her anger seems to be directed more at staff lately rather than me. I have never been able to just let it go or let it roll off my back. I find it very hard to not take things personally. I agree that the right medication can make a big difference for your mom too.

Ed's mom · April 12

What I can't handle is the arguing. Gaslighting has become the latest accusation.

Since coming here a few days ago I feel like I was hit by a bus, and much better.

I refer to my LO as Jacq and Original Jacq. The problem is I don't always know which one I'm talking to immediately and they switch rapidly.

caregiving daughter · April 13

When my mom got critical of me, I would pretend I was a professional caregiver. I would drive her to doctor appointments and try to distance myself a bit. It allowed me to be overly calm and kind and also allowed me to protect my feelings.

lisn2cats · April 13

I have a slightly opposite that results with the same outcome as above. After watching my mom's behavior as well as my interactions with my mom, her AL nurse told me that my mom is emotional empathetic with me - that is, she mirrors my emotional state. She doesn't seem to do it with others…just me. And I am, admittedly, not the most patient when it comes to the complants, circular conversations, or imaginary issues. I know it's wrong, but I did test out the nurse's diagnosis by cycling through a couple of emotions while visiting. It's fascinating. I have to pinch myself from using it as personal entertainment. I know. Horrible.

Caregiver31 · April 14

It was comforting just to read your posts. I am a single only child care giver living in a state away from all other family. Most of the time I feel so alone with the struggles relating to my
LO. My mom has always been my rock and the relationship roles are changing. She is at the stage where she knows she can’t do things she used to, but is fighting with all she has to hold on to any control she can. In her frustration I am the target, and I never seem to get/do/say anything right. That I have learned to manage, but when caregiving is over, I am home all alone. I have no one to vent or release to. That has become the hard part. Reading your posts helps me know I’m not the only one struggling.