Mother lives across country and has early stage dementia

buttonsboomer

Mother lives across the country and insists she is taking her medications regularly, but her BP says something different. She tells her doctor that she is taking her meds and feels that the doctor is calling her a liar. I know she is not taking them regularly, and she meets the criteria of loss of memory for the early stage. She can take care of herself and meets her daily needs, i.e., pay bills on time, shower, dress, walk to the store, and get back home. I've been reading about automated pill dispensers. Is it worth it? Or are there other suggestions? Trying to call her each morning so we can take meds together, but sometimes she says she has "taken" them already. BTW, I'm an only child and moving to her is not feasible, and she refuses to move here. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

buttonsboomer

Also, since I am the only child and family member, do I need a POA if I am on her documents?

H1235

Welcome. You will need a durable power of attorney even if your name is on other important documents. You might suggest that this would be a good idea simply because she is getting older. Bringing up dementia concerns or symptoms will only cause problems. Many people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize symptoms or limitations. It’s very frustrating. Have you stayed with her for a week? There are so many little things you just don’t think about that she may be struggling with. When we moved my mom I discovered she hadn’t changed her toothbrush in over2 years, my mil had no kitchen towels in her kitchen 🤷‍♀️, mom bought a 5 gal bucket of paint intending to paint her garage herself. As far as the pill dispenser, it may work for a while, but probably not for long. Keep in mind that she is NEVER going to tell you she is not safe to live alone. At some point (probably much sooner than you expect) she will not be safe living alone and unfortunately it will fall on you to decide when that is. 24/7 in home care is very expensive. Because people with dementia don’t recognize their limitations, it not uncommon for them to put themselves in dangerous situations. This means someone coming in for a few hours a day will not be enough, even if they seen very capable most of the time. There can be a waiting list at facilities. Even in assisted living or memory care she will need someone to bring her supplies and snacks. If she were to need an emergency trip to the hospital a facility is going to except family (or a representative) to meet her there with a medication list, necessary documents and medical history. It’s going to be very difficult to figure out how to do all of that from so far away. I would start making some plans for this now. I will attach a few resources that might be helpful if you haven’t run across them already. I hope something here is helpful.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

buttonsboomer

Thank you. Yes, I have stayed with her an extended time & saw her routine. I'm aware that as when gets worse I may need to go live with her because she refuses to move to me. We will see at that time.

psg712

We had a similar situation when my mom lived far from us. Agree that pill dispenser is not a long term solution. If she forgets meds now, how will she remember with a dispenser? Even if it has an alarm, will she know what the sound means and what she should do about it? New tech is really tough for a PWD to learn.

Please don't assume that you will need to upend your life and move to her place. Her refusal to move should not determine your future. No older person wants to move from their home. Frankly that's one reason you need a DPOA, so you can make the tough decisions without her understanding or cooperation. I know it sounds harsh but it is real. If you plan to move to her, will you be a sole 24/7 caregiver with no support or backup ? That's not sustainable as the dementia progresses. If a facility is in her future, it won't matter to her if it's in her town or yours. But it may matter to you.

buttonsboomer

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271068#Comment_271068

Thank you so much for your comment. It was probably one of the most helpful comments. As her only child, the guilt is to want to go and take care of her. But your comment helped me see it in another way.

psg712

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271292#Comment_271292

I know all of this is much easier said than done. I moved my mom from another state to be close to me four years ago. The decision was tough but in hindsight it was the best for both her and my family. Every family has different circumstances, but the sad common ground with dementia is that it will progress and the person's needs will increase as time moves on.

My mom didn't want to move either. She started calling friends and distant family in her address book and telling them she was being carried off to my state against her will. Many of these people hadn't seen her in years and had no idea how she was struggling with daily life on her own. I got some interesting phone calls!

Yes, guilt is a part of the journey. It helped me to hear from people on this forum that "you are not doing this TO her, you are doing it FOR her." A young child lacks judgment about her own well-being, so a parent must make some decisions that the child may not understand or agree with. The same applies to helping a parent with dementia.