Memory care placement too early

dbarrylewis

I am checking my mother into a memory care unit tomorrow. My 87-year-old father cares for her today but she’s had so many delusions lately and fixations! She’s become aggressive with him as well. Cognitively it feels too early for her! I’m choosing a respite option so I can potentially move her out if I realize it is too early, and also so I can give my father a break.

has anybody else had experience with this??? It’s the right thing for my father to remove his caregiver responsibilities, but I’m just afraid it’s not the right thing for her right now! The four week respite will give us some time to decide.

dbarrylewis

I meant to say she’s had so many delusions and fixations lately. She also wanders around the house during the night.

harshedbuzz

@dbarrylewis

I'm sorry you are at this point with your mom.

A couple of thoughts—

How long is the intended respite stay? Most PWD need some time to adjust to a well-chosen facility. A two-week stay is not likely going to be long enough; most folks settle in around 12 to 16 weeks.

Will you or dad be visiting initially? Some MCFs ask family to give their LO 2-3 weeks before visiting to hasten the process of bonding with their new caregiving team.

I don't know that there is such a thing as too early given the behaviors you are describing. If your dad needs her placed— then it's time. You have to consider what is best for them both. I mean, I wouldn't hire a caregiver your dad's age for this 24/7 job.

When you say "take her out" do you mean moving her into your own home or returning her to your 87-year-old dad's care?

My aunt was in the middle stages and adapted beautifully to the socialization. One nice thing was that so much of her was still "there" that staff really got to know her.

Another benefit to placement now is that it avoids having to place her urgently if something happens to dad. One-third of caregivers died before their PWD and many more have a medical incident that prevents them from caregiving at least temporarily.

HB

H1235

I will attach a staging tool. In my opinion this is a lot for an 87 year old man to manage. If he continues to care for her you may find he passes before her. If she is having delusions, fixations, being aggressive and wandering you are describing someone in at least stage 5 (a person does not need to show all the symptoms listed to be considered at that stage). At this stage it says memory care is advised and it says “family caregivers health remains at risk”. She needs to be in memory care for both her health and safety and your dads.

DBAT.pdf

pamu

It can take a long time for someone to acclimate to MC, probably more than 4 weeks so it may be difficult to make a decision based on a short time frame. I have no experience with respite so I cannot offer any advice on that. My mom has been at her MC for 7 months and she still has really tough days where she talks about wanting to leave. My mom is 87YO and is probably around the same stage as your mom. She has all the telltale symptoms of dementia; cognitive decline, confusion, delusions, severe agitation, as well as Paranoid Personality Disorder which makes her exit seeking. She can also hold conversations, use the restroom and feed herself. Unless someone is able to step in and help your dad on a daily basis this may be the best decision for everyone. Your dad can still help with caregiving, but it won't be as demanding. My sister and I still do a lot for my mom even though she is at a facility. The caregiving doesn't end there. My advice to you is to be in frequent contact with the staff. The staff makes all the difference. My mom's charge nurse is wonderful and texts me several times a week with updates and observations. Mom had a really bad two weeks a several weeks ago (required a brief hospitalization for aggitation) and we were in constant contact. She also texts me happy photos of mom too. We are also friendly with the evening and weekend nurses, activity people, and LNA's. They see us each several times a week and fill us in on things going on. It may be difficult for you dad to "let go" at first but reassure him that he can still care give…it'll just be different. Sending you well wishes for tomorrow!

AmandaF

Just seconding the advice you’ve already gotten - moving her in when she’s still able to do some things for herself is actually a good thing, and will make it a lot easier for her to form relationships with staff and other residents. We would have liked to go this route, but my dad was resistant, and when he passed away suddenly (largely due to the demands of caregiving), we had to really scramble to get my mom the care she needed. I know it’s hard though, when it’s your parents and they’re so used to living together. Good luck.

dbarrylewis

Thank you for the advice. The hardest part is answering her about why she is there when she is clear minded. I can’t tell her that she cries all the time on bad days at home and fears my father will kill her (a recent paranoia) or that she is sure she’s in labor nearly every night and becomes very desperate when we assure her there is still a few more months and won’t bring her to the hospital. To her we brought her there because she was behaving badly.

My mom has been my best friend and is the kindest strongest most selfless person. It’s just so hard to think of her being so upset in the new environment.

harshedbuzz

@dbarrylewis said:

It’s just so hard to think of her being so upset in the new environment.

At home she thought her husband was trying to kill her. With the disease impacting her brain, you may find safe is as good as it gets sadly.

HB

sandwichone123

Answering why she's here: make sure to have a story ready before you need it. Maybe she needs physical therapy or Dad had to go out of town. I prefer something really vague like the doctor says you need to stay here for a while. If she asks how long you can say until the doctor says so.