How do I respond to my parent talking about me as if I were someone else?

Merla

As life would have it, my parent who I just moved over a thousand miles is now seemingly fuzzy about who I am (her only daughter). She 100% recognized me back in late January. When healthcare professionals ask, "who is that sitting next to you?" She will answer "my daughter" and say my name and act like it's a ridiculous question.

However, since I flew out with her a few weeks ago to move her near me, she talks to me about me as if I were another person. "Oh my daughter, Merla, lives in city x and she wants me to move there but I'm not so sure." Or today she asked me, "what's your neighborhood like?" I describe it and she responds "oh that's just like Merla's neighborhood!" The worst is "do you know merla?" Though this happened just during the first days I saw her when she was moving.

What is the best way to respond to this? Probably like many people would, I find these types of interactions exceedingly depressing and disturbing. Is there a way to help her connect the dots? It's weird because it's like she kind of knows who I am but also there is confusion around connecting me to her daughter. She has never asked who I am so this is also weird in the sense that if I'm not her daughter then who am I and why isn't she asking this.

My parent was like this 1.5 years ago when she was reunited with her siblings after not seeing them for several years. However within a few weeks she understood who they were. I assumed that the issue was that she was remembering them from 20 years ago when she actually did see them frequently.

Is there anything I can do to help clarify who I am? I also look relatively similar to myself across time as an adult, ie similar weight, hairstyle and color so I'm not sure what visual representation of her daughter she has.

H1235

When my husband went to visit his mom he would always walk in and announce “it’s your favorite son x”. They would both laugh and go from there. I never really found a good way to handle it. I had great visits, but im not entirely sure she knew who I was or her great grandkids ( I didn’t usually visit the same time as my husband). I felt like she enjoyed the visits and that is really all that mattered.

Merla

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270697#Comment_270697

thanks! This is helpful. I just need a quick natural response like the one you suggested and it's great that it reinforces who the person actually is. I had been going with an awkward unconfident "yeah…"

harshedbuzz

@Merla

We didn't have this with my dad, but a dear friend who was caring for her mom at home during that same time did. At first, she found it devastating in the context of being an only child and the sacrifices she had made to keep her mom at home (she took leave from her job, had a larger home with a first-floor suite built and stayed local when her DH was transferred to Colorado Springs because mom could handle the altitude).

Her mom was only ever wildly complimentary of "her daughter" when telling friend about it which took some of the sting out. She also told friend that she was her favorite of the "ladies who come visit me". It did help to announce herself when arriving home or getting mom's breakfast in the morning. When mom rabbited on about her wonderful daughter, friend would tell her what a good mom she is which was an effective segue out of the loop.

HB

terei

You could try leaving the room and returning with ‘Hi, Mom, it’s ME!’

Merla

my psychologist friend said this is called prosopagnosia. I read a little about it and it is important to identify myself clearly and the issue is facial recognition not memory of the person so this is definitely what is going on. I just can't believe she is forgetting what I look like and this seems so unfair as this is coinciding with her moving by me. Hopefully it's temporary though I fear perhaps I missed a critical window the 3 months she didn't see me and I didn't have a ton of contact with her bc I was busy planning her move

harshedbuzz

@Merla

Prosopagnosia is a good explanation. I am familiar from those I know on spectrum who have this quirk.

Another thought might be that your mom is traveling back in time and thinks of you as much younger. Dad time traveled a lot in stages 5 and 6. He'd often ask for articles of clothing from the mid-1970s. Once he accused me of stealing "the painting of the dancing girls". It turns out he was describing an art museum poster for a Degas exhibit that hung in their first apartment circa 1960. Related to that, he believed himself and mom to be in their late 30s and would often comment about how awful mom looked.

My aunt with dementia never knew who my mom was when she visited and always thought I was my mom when I did. I do strongly resemble mom so it kind of makes sense.

HB

Merla

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270731#Comment_270731

Thankfully my parent does seem to know who I am a lot of the time. So it seems like prosopagnosia is gradual and she isn't beyond the point of no return so I have started emphasizing who I am at the start of our visits and sporadically throughout.

I have no idea how old her visual representation of me is but she does cognitively know I have two kids.

I also wonder if part of it is a language issue. If she is mixing up pronouns or words. It's really hard to tell because her verbal communication is a bit jumbled at times or she says the wrong words but it's clear she is thinking real thoughts and sometimes I know what she is referring to even if she is incoherent to others because I know her stories.

Grenah

Generally, I feel that my mother doesn't know who I am at any given time. Sometimes she recognizes me but there is a disconnect between my name and the person standing in front of her. I've been everything from "mother" to the household staff. When I talk about past experiences or people she will say her daughter (me) has the same experiences or knows the same people. There is no correcting her so I just accept it. It's very disconcerting.

Victoriaredux

It kind of makes sense, the "wires" that connect stored memories in the brain are decaying and failing to work at random times.

I try to just keep a positive calm mood going but being asked if I was a LO's grandfather was a gut punch after a long talk about our shared life .

But I know that Grandpa was a major loving influence in their childhood so it was a happy connection for them. Facts may not be right but if the emotions and feelings are good, I take it as a win.