Life After

howhale

Going on nine months now since the loss of my DW last August, 2025. It is a life I never wanted, feared ever having to live and hate every minute of every day without her. I knew that this disease scares many people and leaves them uncomfortable in the presence of one in the latter stages especially. I saw it with others. As so many have shared, the outpouring of sympathy at the end was there, but fairly quickly dissolved afterwards. I also had no desire to engage with others in light social activities without my DW or have light hearted social chit chat. Recently however I decided to try to make contact with a few friends with whom we were very close before my DW got worse. Now I better see the difficulty of trying to reenter life with those same people. Conversations are strained, not uncaring, just strained and in short order clearly grows uncomfortable for them. I respect that I now make them uneasy about what to say, how to have meaningful conversation. I don't think there will be much continuing contact. Acknowledging that years passed where we had little if any communication and no presence, I guess I thought it might be possible to renew some remnant of the old life with them. Now, I am much less confident. I am now an uncomfortable reminder of the before life, my DW and the horror of this disease to so many. I feel that I will need to find opportunities to establish new friends who do not have our past life a part of any upcoming friendship. I accept that I am now a different person. I did not plan it or want to be a different person but I accept that I am. Life after is proving a challenge, burdensome, sad, and is going to be very difficult to build alone. I do not want a new "relationship". Friendship, occasional simple social interaction, having another live human to just talk with easily might be all that is needed.

jen ht

You are so good at expressing our experiences with grief @howhale. I am pulling for you to find new outlets for camaraderie and authentic connections. I read your posts, but I do not recall if you've found an in person grief group.

I do hope you will continue to share your journey with us here.

~jht

howhale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/271432#Comment_271432

Thank you for your kind words. I have yet to find an in person group locally for those of us who have lost a spouse or partner. The online Zoom group is great and I look forward to it each week.

Quilting brings calm

@howhale

Life-altering experiences like this are just that: life-altering. The people we are after these experiences are not the same as who we were before. We don’t necessarily fit with the friends we had before. We don’t always have the same shared hobbies and interests as we had before. After the death of our son, the deaths of my mom and step-dad, and my sister in the last three years, I have retreated from several friendships and family members. Some because I just can’t deal with their drama, can’t help with their issues, or they are just ‘takers’ . Some because I still resent that they didn’t help me with my parents when it was just as much their responsibility as mine. I’ve found other friends and I’ve also grown comfortable being at home in the peace and quiet.

You will find your new ‘people’ . Just allow yourself to say yes to new friends, hobbies, interests, etc.