Parent making insulting remarks towards visitors and other residents

Merla

My parents is on a geripsych unit and I get so uncomfortable when she makes insulting remarks about other residents and visitors regarding their appearance or being crazy. She makes these remarks to me but says them so loud so they can hear. I'm scared when she says mean judgemental things about other residents and embarrassed when she says them about visitors. I'm worried she could provoke anger in another patient and cause harm to her or me. Afterall who knows what type of mental state other people are in. It's possible some of these people don't fully perceive what she is saying.

I'm absolutely mortified when she exclaims how fat some of the visitors are when they are within ear shot. My strategy is to talk over her and act like it didn't happen. I mean can you imagine it from the visitors perspective, they come to a geripsych unit at the hospital to visit their involuntarily committed loved one going through a very rough patch and a patient exclaims they're so fat and how it's so sad. It's so uncomfortable and then I had to take the elevator down with two visitors at the same time I know my mom has called fat at least a couple of times and probably more when I'm not around.

I also get uncomfortable about comments she makes about race but these comments are not usually directed at individuals but rather are vague negative generalizations and are more linked to concerns about crime than individuals in front of her.

Is the polite thing just to ignore it all and act like it didn't happen?

Victoriaredux

Yes, no need to apologize- every visitor knows they are visiting their LO in a geri-psych unit, it's not the Opera House lobby [where you can whisper behind your program book].

Their minds on probably on what their own LO is muttering. You have your Mom in the right place.

Quilting brings calm

It’s a Geri-psych ward. All the patients have some sort of issue that’s brought them there. Your mom’s issue is just more obvious than others. Talk to the nurses and doctors to see if they can tweak her medication to manage some of these outbursts. Otherwise just ignore it- or cut your visit short. If she’s cognitive enough to understand, you can even tell her why you are leaving.

FYI- my MIL didn’t have dementia - but she talked about others weight, race, etc a lot as she got older. Not just about strangers. Waitresses, etc- but also her own family. She was obsessed about people’s physical appearance. I finally started telling her I was going to leave if she didn’t stop commenting on my weight … and then I would leave as soon as she made another comment.

harshedbuzz

@Merla

This kind of talk is probably harder on you than others. It's your mom and this behavior is "less than" who she has always been. I get it. Others probably abide by the old adage consider the source.

QBC— I think weight is a common fixation for folks of a certain generation. They haven't moved on with current etiquette around not discussing such things. I have a friend who is caregiver to her mom, 98, w/o dementia who is currently being ignored by her grandson for calling him "a bit chunky". When called out on it, she claims she's just being honest. This means the son doesn't visit his mom as often. She's already driven the nonbinary granddaughter away as well. Fun times there.

HB

SDianeL

certain types of dementia removes filters in that part of the brain. She can’t help it or control it. I wouldn’t worry about it. If anyone mentions it you can explain she has dementia.

Merla

well i got my payback of being the recipient of awkward patient behavior. A patient went straight up to me and said how sorry she was for everything and kissed my head and walked away….